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Old 07-07-2008, 05:15 PM   #1
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adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

So in further talks this weekend i have started to see that where i once thought my hubby was on board with the idea of adopting in talks before we had our son....I am now realizing that was in his mind more of a thing we might do if we could not conceive. I know I am not alone here mamas! Adoption is not just for those with fertility issues! RIGHT? I mean there are a lot of children that need parents and I for one have never had any issue loving a child that was not of my own blood. So it has always seemed obvious to me that I would be a prime candidate for adoption. Yes the financial issue is tough, the red tape, the hoops you jump through...all crazy i am sure! But in the end you have done a wonderful thing and your life is better for it, right? Just looking for some words of wisdom from your collectively wise wise mama minds!
I do have to say that at the end of our talk the hubby did say he married me knowing I wanted to do this and will give it some thought. I know how it is...He just looks at our boy (who by the way looks JUST like him!) and does what all parents do...wonders how he could ever love another one as much as he loves this one. You just do! Your heart grows with each child and always finds room to love the next one just as much...adopted, biological...or whatever!

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Old 07-07-2008, 05:35 PM   #2
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

We had 3 bio-children when we started our first adoption of their older brother. We've since adopted 2 more and are expecting the second of 2 more bio-children as well.

We actually gave birth to the first 3 before our first adoption because it was easier to give birth than adopt when we were 22 and had little funds. We wanted to be parents. So we gave birth while waiting to reach the point where we could adopt. The 2 born after we started adopting were both surprises.

But, there was a point when I thought Dh had walked away from our committment to adopt, and my heart was broken. I had to wait long years for his heart to turn back to adoption. And, in the end, he did it when I had surrendered and least expected. One day, he just said out of the blue, "Where are we on this adoption thing?" Um...waiting for you to say we can do it!

9 months after that fateful conversation, my precious oldest ds stepped off of an airplane into my arms forever.
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Old 07-08-2008, 12:31 PM   #3
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

We have three bio-children and have begun the process to foster children and ultimately adopt. For us, we were fortunate enough to be able to bring children into this world. Ultimately, though, there are lots of children already here that need a great foster or forever home and I KNEW that no matter how many bio-children we had that someday I wanted to experience this as well. Took a while for DH to be on board - he kept using the words "someday" or "when the kids are older" but I kept letting him know gently that this was something I felt very passionately about and he eventually decided he wanted the same thing. Good luck - remember hubby's are typically just a little slower at coming to decisions - we get to rely on our hearts and emotions but they typically have to work it all out logically before they reach "our" conclusion :-)
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Old 07-10-2008, 07:12 PM   #4
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

i'm glad to see this post! i think it is a common misconception that adoption is only for people who can't get pg. we have one 4 month old and though my heart has always been open to adoption, after dd's traumatic birth and 9 months of hyperemesis has solidified this decision. though i could probably get pg again i can't physically take the sickness and emotionally i couldn't take the possibility of another traumatic birth/extended hospital stay for my LO. i hope to foster then adopt, hopefully a sib set!
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Old 07-11-2008, 04:37 PM   #5
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

I think people just don't think about it. When I was pg with my 2yo I was nanny to a 4yo and 19mth old (I'm Black and they were both ultra platinum blonds with blue eyes). At a swim class one summer a woman actually came up to me with an attitude and asked WHY I adopted if I knew I could have my own kids.

It's a blessing for anyone to have the love in their heart to have a house full of their bio-kids AND want to adopt others. I hope we can manage it one day.

~KayCee: one who can get pregnant but can't manage to make it to term, and one of four adopted kids to a couple who already had 4 of their own.
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:30 PM   #6
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

OK, this might seem non-PC and I don't want to make people flame me for this, but this is the way I really feel. I think that if you CAN have bio kids, you shouldn't try to adopt babies and take them away from the couples waiting out there who can't have bio kids. I think it's great if you are fertile and adopt older kids, but my heart is selfish in this and I want the babies for myself and other infertiles. I apologize if I just offended anyone, please don't yell at me. There is just something so special about parenting a baby and I think that anyone who wants to do so and can provide a stable home should have an opportunity, and so infertiles need priority to make that happen.
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:37 PM   #7
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

Quote:
Originally Posted by lyra1977 View Post
OK, this might seem non-PC and I don't want to make people flame me for this, but this is the way I really feel. I think that if you CAN have bio kids, you shouldn't try to adopt babies and take them away from the couples waiting out there who can't have bio kids. I think it's great if you are fertile and adopt older kids, but my heart is selfish in this and I want the babies for myself and other infertiles. I apologize if I just offended anyone, please don't yell at me. There is just something so special about parenting a baby and I think that anyone who wants to do so and can provide a stable home should have an opportunity.
There are some agencies that have this same outlook... so in the case of people who are able to have bio children, they are expected to adopt older children, not an infant. But I don't know if all agencies are that way or not.

I understand what you are saying, but I don't know if it is realistic to put those parameters on adoption... after all, most of the match-making is due to the preferences of the potential birthmoms... so if she picks a family with bio children, then that's her business.
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:38 PM   #8
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

Karen...

I completely understand your stance if you're only looking at domestic adoption of caucasian children...there is a ton of demand and very few available children.

But there are so many children in foster care, domestic adoption of minorities, and international adoption where babies really need good homes and the demand is very small compared to the need.
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:43 PM   #9
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

Oh...and back to the topic...(LOL)...

I always thought we'd adopt and have our own, but recently discovered that DH only wanted to adopt if we couldn't have our own!

I would love to be a foster mom or do an international adoption, but DH would obviously have to be on board with that....so I'm waiting and praying to see where we go next.
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:49 PM   #10
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Re: adoption-not just for the fertility challenged

I have 2 kids, and one on the way, and ideally, I will have 4 kids. I would LOVE to adopt baby #4, whether he/she is a newborn, a toddler, or in elementary school. I've often considered adopting older kids, but I don't want to adopt an older kid that might feel like I expect them to help out with the younger ones in some sort of way, or feel that is why I adopted them.

I don't think adoption is just for people who are unable to have their own biological children. I think it's for people who want to open their arms and love a child that may otherwise grow up in the foster system or not in a loving home.
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