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Old 07-11-2008, 07:13 PM   #1
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Angry Why is it ...

That MY work is "less" important than DH's? I feel as if no matter what is going on, I have to put aside what I am working on to hold the baby, make dinner, etc. etc. etc.

DH is putting up the fence right now -- which CAN WAIT -- but I have lesson that I have to get done before classes on Monday -- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHH

After I CLEARLY told him I NEEDED some TIME to WORK!

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Old 07-11-2008, 07:22 PM   #2
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Re: Why is it ...

My ds' first year he was sick all.the.time since I worked and he was in daycare (starting at 4 months). Almost every time he was sick I took off work. I was out three different weeks because of stomach viruses (one each week). My dh just said that since he made more than I did, we lost less money if I took off. That made sense to me until December, when I realized what a HORRIBLE job I was doing because I was out so much. I finally just told him if my job isn't as important, then I just needed to quit or find a different job that didn't depend on me being there all the time. I also let him know that I couldn't just continue to do a bad job at work and feel depressed because of it and feel depressed because I couldn't be home with my son. I had to get to a point of feeling successful somewhere, and being absent from work all the time wouldn't allow that. The next year was better. He took off more and I wasn't afraid to just tell him, I can't take off because of...
So, I'd say just be up front and tell him exactly how you feel. Yes, you are the mom, but you have to work too and you want to do the best job you can and feel proud of that.
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Old 07-11-2008, 07:27 PM   #3
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Re: Why is it ...

All I can offer is
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:15 PM   #4
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Re: Why is it ...

I still do the lion's share of household and childcare duty, although I work FT and just as hard if not more so than DH. But then again we can make ends meet with just DS salary but not just on mine. I also took a huge paycut so that I can spend more time at home so this is to be expected. However on certain days when it is just too much I tell him (in a nice way) that I need to do XYZ and he usually complies. (I lock myself up in a room so that I am not distrubed.) I also forbid him to travel during fiscal month-end when work is especially busy.
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:18 PM   #5
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Re: Why is it ...

Yeah, my big one is when I give DH a kid when he comes home and he says "I worked all day!" Yeah, cause I've been watching my soaps and eating bonbons! (and online......)
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Old 07-11-2008, 10:38 PM   #6
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Re: Why is it ...

i totally understand mama. my husband and i are/were both getting our masters at the same time (i'm done with classes) and his work ALWAYS came before mine. so we would both have something due, and his would get done, and i would have to ask for an extension. or i would get a measly thirty minutes to myself to study for a final, while he got five straight hours in studio to build a model.

in less than a year, we'll both be in our careers, and i just know that mine is going to take a back burner b/c he has way more earning potential than i do. it's definitely a personal struggle, because if *I* am thinking that his work is more important than mine, of course he's going to! but my work is important too.

so yeah, there's my rant to tell you that you're not the only one. i have a feeling this is a super common problem. stupid sexism.
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Old 07-12-2008, 12:11 AM   #7
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Re: Why is it ...

I know how that is. I use to work 60 hours to DH's 40. I made way more than him. The only difference is that he worked 5 days a week and I worked 60 hours straight. All weekend I was at a group home and I got to nap at night. I showered, changed diapers, dressed, fed, administered med etc. He made doors.

He told me that my job didn't count because I got to sleep and I had so much downtime. I say it doesn't matter, that is still 60 hours of my week that I don't have to myself because I am working.

He is brilliant with computers, he's the one that chooses to do things that take a lot of physical effort. I provide a valuable service to people in need. Of course I still work in the same feild, I technically work 3 days a week, 40 hours and 2 of the nights I get to sleep. I do fill in a lot of OT too.
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Old 07-12-2008, 09:13 PM   #8
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Re: Why is it ...

Well, if anyone has tips, I'd love to hear them ... really. This has been an ongoing issue for me and I don't anticipate it getting any easier. Sometimes I feel like I just "suck it up" and move on, but then I struggle with serious resentment toward DH.

Other than hitting him over the head with a hammer, anyone have ideas to work through this? Or, are we just "doomed"? I will have to say as my LO's get older (say 3 or 4 years old) my *life* usually gets easier, but we started over with DS3 and now I have 3 boys and a busy, growing business and I'm just POOPED
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Old 07-13-2008, 07:36 PM   #9
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Re: Why is it ...

My husband and I bounce back and forth on this issue as well. It's a tough one because I make more money than him and carry all the benefits for our family, but his job has way more flexibility, some very unique benefits (free daycamp for our 6yr old for example), but they expect him to be on call and at their beck and call 24/7. It's so stressful when I have to get out the door to work and his work-world is crashing down around him.

We just had it all laid on the table last week and came to the understanding that my job has to take priority because we just can't survive on what he makes, we NEED my job. But there are cases where my job can take the back burner...for example when we have a sick kid, it's easier for me to get the time off work (paid) and he doesn't get paid if he's not there.

Sounds like you guys need to have that kinda talk and get it all out on the table.
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Old 07-14-2008, 08:23 AM   #10
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Re: Why is it ...

The only suggestion I can offer is try having a discussion at a time where he's not stressed, overworked, or contingent upon anything else. A time where he would be most receptive of hearing about your needs. and take it from there. We too deal with stuff like this and some times I just have to tell him that I need his help with certain things. Sorry I can't type more...have to go do something.
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