Fighting over Circ

[titania]

Originally Posted by bunkie Hi ladies. I hope you can give me some advice. Forgive I have rarely posted here before but I've been around a while and know some of your regular members. I'm having my baby on August 22nd and my husband and I have still come to no resolution over Circ. I used to be pro-circ but now I'm against it. (have been for about 2 years now.) DH is pro circ... he doesn't even really have a reason for it either. I've tried every which way of approaching the situation to prove to him that its best to leave him intact and that I really really DO NOT want him circ'd. This ends up going down a path of "why does it have to be what YOU want" fight. I will be seriously crushed if he gets circ'd. Is there any advice out there on how we can get this settled?

but this isn't about you or your dh. this is about your son. and your son's body, and his future sex life. about his marriage, potentially. sure, your dh is happy with his penis, and can't imagine his life any other way. perhaps he thinks he's happy with his penis *because* its circ'd. the truth is he would be just as happy (and perhaps more!) if he were intact. he's also probably feeling like your rejection of circ itself is a rejection of HIM and HIS penis. not too far of a leap, really. though i know that is not at all what you are feeling. circ is revolting, imo. but my dh is circ'd and i love him. i wish he wasn't cut, but it is what it is. anyway...

i was *this* close to agreeing to let my boys be cut. i know, without a doubt, that had that happened, i would not have been able to ever forgive myself. i can't imagine the depression *I* would have gone into. regret is not easy to live with. especially when you are talking about something so serious and preventable. it might be time to just tell your dh that this isn't about him or you, and it just isn't going to happen. period. no gambling or making deals or saying you need to show me this or that proof. you know it doesn't exist, and really, is there anything that would change your mind?

have you visited mdc? there is a forum specifically about circ, and a sticky thread of regrets. and regular posts from moms just like you, who have a resistant dh. lots of support, resources and suggestions on ways to talk to dh.

good for you for standing up for your son.

[aggfan]

My DH and I also argued and went nowhere in our discussions. He refused to research it... and he's a professor who researches for a living. During labor, the nurses asked (I have no idea why, especcially since we didn't know what sex we were having) and I said we were undecided. Suddenly, minutes after DS was born, my husband suddenly caved and said olut of the blue we don't have to circ. I think he wanted to throw me a bone since I'd just pushed a baby out. So maybe pick your timing right then.

Also, you may not want to rely on this, but at my hospital, my comment about "undecided" was interpreted as a no. No one came back to us and said, ok, so have you decided now? It just defaulted to a no, essentially.

Two of the ped nurses told me that the doctors often don't wait for the penile block to take affect before beginning the circ. And that they didn't even use anesthesia until 5 years ago (this is an otherwise very progressive hospital). That was very convincing to DH after the fact.

I also called our pediatrician and had a talk with her about circ and how it was done (sounded bad), cared for (sounded easy), and any repercussions of not circing (sounded infrequent and easily treated should they occur). Talking with her gave me good info. and normalized caring for a normal, intant boy.

If you ask DH, he'll say he changed his mind because shortly before Ds was born, two boys in Illinois were accidentally switched while waiting for a circumcision. The error was discovered a day later and rectified, see http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=4646369
I find that a bizarre reason to not circ, but hey, my husband claimed it changed his mind.

Good luck.

[tararaboomdeea]

I agree with the PP-it's not either of your choices. It's your sons penis and his choice. You're his mama-stand your ground!

[isabel249]

Oh my gosh- I watched just a BIT of that video and it made me feel sick (any medical procedure does...eww!!) I am terrified of having a boy because of having to make that decision.

Anyway- good luck to you! Hope everything works out and you and your DH can agree.

[upstategirl]

And, you could always tell DH that if/when your DS ever (doubtful) came to you and said he wanted to be circ'd that you would be more than happy to take him in to the doc to discuss the procedure. Then, at least, you're leaving the decision up to the owner.

I have heard that is much more painful when the child is older. My story doesn't really help too much. I didn't want it done with my first ds but, dh talked me into it. I told him he had to be there and if he wasn't then it wouldn't get done. Well he was there through the entire thing. He did say it seemed very painless. They nubbed it with cream, no shots or anything and that it was very quick and at least with our son he didn't even cry or seem to be uncomfortable. We don't know the sex of this one but, I hope it's a girl so I don't have to decide to get it done or not. If your really feel very strongly about this just get all your info, have him watch a video about how it's done in the hospital, and then just stand your ground.

[boobyfeeder]

Originally Posted by upstategirl I have heard that is much more painful when the child is older. My story doesn't really help too much. I didn't want it done with my first ds but, dh talked me into it. I told him he had to be there and if he wasn't then it wouldn't get done. Well he was there through the entire thing. He did say it seemed very painless. They nubbed it with cream, no shots or anything and that it was very quick and at least with our son he didn't even cry or seem to be uncomfortable. We don't know the sex of this one but, I hope it's a girl so I don't have to decide to get it done or not. If your really feel very strongly about this just get all your info, have him watch a video about how it's done in the hospital, and then just stand your ground.

Many times babies shut down from the pain, so that could be why your son didn't cry. Before they started using anesthesia, they used that as an excuse not to, they claimed it wasn't painful b/c the babies didn't react.

[JollyHolly]

Originally Posted by frogandtoad Stand your ground. I was on the fence and let my 3rd get circ'd just "because" the other 2 were and all that, but I did not want it done and DH did so I said fine, then you'll go with him when the procedure is performed and he did. Looking back, I would NOT have DS3 circ'd "just because". I've got more information now and know routine infant circumcision is unnecessary. Don't do it "just because". Just hang in there. If DH' reason is because his is, that's just not good enough. I realize there are some strong underlying cultural attitudes but hang in there. And, you could always tell DH that if/when your DS ever (doubtful) came to you and said he wanted to be circ'd that you would be more than happy to take him in to the doc to discuss the procedure. Then, at least, you're leaving the decision up to the owner. JMO. Also, I'm pretty sure the AAP has a statement about it being unnecessary ... \ http://www.aap.org/publiced/BR_Circumcision.htm

Not only this, but my friend was having the same argument w/ her dh over ds3, she gave in, and he ended up having scar tissue heal incorrectly (which is apparently fairly common, like over 10% chance). Not only did it heal incorrectly, but when it healed, the hole got smaller and every time ds3 urinated it was too forceful breaking open the opening and causing bleeding and pain. He had to have a 2nd surgery to cut open his urine opening for it to be "normal". She was so mad b/c as it turns out, her DH had the same thing happen to him and he never mentioned it to her. That's a big reason for NO CIRC on my list. Too many complications.

Plus, if you dont pull it back regularly enough, it can heal together again causing him to need ANOTHER circumcision when he is older.

My dh's argument is (he is ex-military) that you get made fun of in school and apparently the military too if you arent circ'd. In fact, this one guy got made fun of so bad that he went and voluntarily got circ'd at the age of 24. My response is that so many people arent getting circ'd these days, (I think I heard something like only 50%) that it's not going to be abnormal and shouldnt be an issue. I still dont think we should cut part of his winkie off just b/c the rest of society is doing it anyway. JMHO.

Good luck and I hope you and dh come to some peaceful resolution. I know the argument between dh and I (if it's a boy) will be a battle to the death. Something I'm not looking forward to.

[MomsHelpingMoms]

My friend had a son back in March and they too had differences of opinion on getting circ'ed. She refused the Vitamin K shot and in turn, the hospital refused the circumcision because of the blood clotting issues the baby could have with out the Vk shot so she won that argument without having to get into an argument.

[bunkie]

Originally Posted by MomsHelpingMoms My friend had a son back in March and they too had differences of opinion on getting circ'ed. She refused the Vitamin K shot and in turn, the hospital refused the circumcision because of the blood clotting issues the baby could have with out the Vk shot so she won that argument without having to get into an argument.

Its a very tempting secret weapon!


Thank you all so much! I'm going to check out the links and ask dh to watch the videos with me. Knowing me, I'll start bawling..maybe that will work in my favor too.

[bunkie]

I forgot to mention. I felt I had a small victory. When discussing this DH said something about piercing the girls ears. To which I immediately said "they aren't pierced and wont be until they are old enough to understand and make the decision for themselves, so why would I circ my son if I dont even pierce my daughters ears?"

He just looked at me like he knew he was defeated on that argument.