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Old 07-30-2008, 09:46 PM   #1
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Adoption questions from passer-bys

So how would you handle it?

My son looks NOTHING like me. Many people (complete strangers) feel free to ask me how long we've had him and where he's from. I'm a pretty open person about life and our family and don't really have to much of a problem talking about right now.

But as he gets older, I don't really want him to have to relive the fact that he's adopted and an perceptual outsider to our family, in others eyes, each time a stranger asks questions. I don't see him as an outsider and it's hard to see our family through strangers eyes. (Does that make sense?)

One thing I've heard (not sure I could do) is when people ask, I say or hand them a card that says something like, "We love to talk about our personal matters in our family, but we don't talk to strangers about that."

What would you do?

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Old 07-30-2008, 10:45 PM   #2
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

You could always ask "Why would you ask such a personal question?" Look horrified and walk away.
I've had people try to find out Dd's history from me, acquaintances, not real close friends, I just say, "Sorry, thats her personal story, not mine to share" I have noticed people have stopped asking
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:02 PM   #3
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

You could also try humor, Look shocked and say something like "Why do you ask? Everyones always said he looks just like me!"

You could also do like one friend of mine does and simply respond with an equally inappropriate personal question.
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:18 PM   #4
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

I don't get this. I'd NEVER ask someone that question... and I see people with kids that are obviously adopted all the time. I just couldn't imagine asking that question. I like the idea of the card, or just saying we don't discuss personal things like that outside of the family.
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Old 07-30-2008, 11:41 PM   #5
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

I get this constantly. I absolutely HATE it, it is soooo rude. My boy is 7 already and to have people come up out of nowhere and start asking about him and pointing at him like he's a pet or some kind of posession is SICK SICK SICK! They have no respect for him, and it's so bad for him. I always pull him close and say (with a big smile), "Who, this gorgeous, smart, kind, wonderful kid?" (I look into his eyes and give him a kiss) And say, "You know, there really is no story, he's our gorgeous boy and we are very lucky to have him."
Ugh, I wish people would be more respectfull of others feelings....
Also, I tell him that he never has to talk about anything that makes him uncomfortable with anyone, it's his story, it's a happy story and he can talk about it if he wants, but never when he isn't in the mood and a big person wants to pry...
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Old 07-31-2008, 09:45 AM   #6
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

Personally I would rather come up with some positive response to people's questions rather than make them ashamed for being interested. Most people, I am sure, are simply asking out of a good natured manner and respect adoption.
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Old 07-31-2008, 10:54 AM   #7
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

I always try and judge the intent behind the question. If the person is just being nosy or has a real interest in adoption.
And my answers vary depending on where I am or the mood I am in.

I don't think you can really go wrong if you are respecting your child's feelings.
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Old 07-31-2008, 11:12 AM   #8
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

You may find your LO is very open and doesn't mind explaining it to people. Especially if you model it as a positive and no big deal. If it is obviously bothersome though I would do the card thing....also like the humor idea.
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Old 07-31-2008, 11:27 AM   #9
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

I have always been interested in adopting a child, so I have asked mommies of babies about their adoption experience, but I would never consider asking a mommy of an older child!

I ask because I want to know about the adoption experience of the parent and I love to hear all the amazing stories about how they ended up with the children they have...like my friend who is adopting triplets from Ethiopia!

Regarding your situation, do you have any other family members that are adopted? I have cousins that are adopted, so if we end up adopting I always figured I would answer any questions with "actually, we have several adopted family members, so it just felt right for us". Then you can always walk away if you want to end the conversation there!
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Old 07-31-2008, 12:09 PM   #10
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Re: Adoption questions from passer-bys

when these questions would come up for us as kids (my brother and i were adopted) we would just say whatever to get through the situation and move on...honestly it was very uncomfortable for us to be asked things about it since we had moved on and we were older when we were placed with them...i was 5 and he was 3, and by the time we were adopted i was 9...
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