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Old 08-08-2008, 07:49 PM   #1
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need advice (alcoholic hubby)

I dont want to take this to another board because I was hoping MAYBE there was another momma thats in the same or similar situation or has been and can maybe give me some good advice. Plus I feel comfortable more with you girls than just "anyone".

I will be flat out open and honest.
My husband is an alcoholic. It sucks. He isnt abusive, never hits or anything like that so no worries there. He is a great father, great husband, and a great person- when he is sober, otherwise he is just a moody jerk. He refuses to go to AA because he isnt a believer in god or a "higher power" plus he has severe social anxiety so hes scared to go to any support groups for that matter really. I have begged and begged and I got him to go to one AA meeting and that was it. He refuses to go again... He thinks that because hes not a complete disaster like a lot of them, losing families, homes, jobs, and getting in wrecks and getting DUIS, jail and all of that that he isnt like them. But he is. He cant control it. If he has money he buys alcohol. Every day after work and all weekend. He is usually drunk every night on the weekends.. ugh!! If he has any here he drinks all of it. every last drop. he hides it sometimes. I have had to flat out take control of the finances and he gives me his paycheck and i take care of all of that. I just dont know what to do. Our children are 6 and 2 and another due in January like you ladies. I am just so upset because i hate who he is when he drinks. Its terrible for him and his body, and he is annoying when he drinks. Its like he gets to escape from like, but i dont get to, we are stuck dealing with his crap. I dont know what to do.....

I talked to Erik, completely sane and mellow. I wanted to scream and cry but I didnt. I am proud of myself. I told him my expectations and my plans if things dont change. He was very very quiet... usually he screams and makes excuses. This may be the last straw. I told him I loved him and I dont want a divorce, but I have to do whats right, I may have to step back with the kids for a while... I have to do what is best for them! But then if I do leave, even if its just local in town a little apartment, I know he'll hit rock bottom and become worse. not better. This was a few days ago...

As of today... Erik is doing okay with the not drinking. I think it seriously kicked into him and I told him my thoughts and he basically told me if I left that he wouldnt get better, he would get worse, and I know he would drink til no tomorrow because he can not control it and what little he does have is because of me and the kids... so I dont want to leave. Honestly I dont really want to anyway. but we have agreed that if it comes to it he will pay for me to get an apartment.- he said he would live in a tent if he had to and give me all his money for me not to take the kids back to Washington which is where my family is from. We are not getting a divorce, I dont want that. I love him and the kids love him and he loves them. Hes a great dad, just has a problem with alcohol. So who knows what is in store for us. He is trying and i see the effort. He is very moody and trying to learn how to do things without needing alcohol... but we are trying to occupy ourselves. We have been watching movies and playing yahtzee and talking a lot. I hope this is a big step. I told him I have a plane ticket for me and the kids thats a phone call away if need be. That really woke him up. God I love that man, I really do. Its just an emotional rollercoaster over here. No one ever said marriage and love would be so hard.

So.. ADVICE PLEASE.
please tell me I am not the only one.

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Old 08-08-2008, 09:02 PM   #2
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Your life doesn't have to be a wreck to be an alcoholic. My mom is like your husband. She is a preschool teacher, goes to the gym 6 days a week, then comes home every night and "relaxes" it used to mean a six pack of Bud light at least a night. My dad took her to a casino one night and got smashed, was an *** to my dad, he had to carry her out and she thought she had alcohol poisoning so she stopped and lost 5 pounds(she is a tiny woman) and thought it was great! Now she has switched to red wine at night to relax, but she turns into a big B word if she doesn't get it or if she has too much. When we visit, if I leave her with the kids at night I make sure it is a night my dad is home to help out in case she relaxes too much, ANYWAYS, no one would ever know she drinks every night, she is a quiet , hard working person. As far as your husband that is probably why he thinks it's OK because it isn't affecting his daily life, it will be hard for him to stop and he may be mean for a while. Is the drinking his way of self medicating his anxiety?? If he won't do an AA meeting, maybe meeting with a private counselor would help. Good for you for standing up for yourself and your kids. stick to your guns and he will come around.
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:05 PM   #3
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Oh mama you aren't the only one. Me and my dh ran a men's home and a womens home for the first two years of our marriage. What you just explained isn't uncommon. You did the right thing, putting boundaries. Now you just need to stick with it. What I would suggest is finding a support group for you, that will help. I hope that helps a little.
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:09 PM   #4
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Momma, My dad was an alcoholic, and my step dad is. So I wanted to send you
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:26 PM   #5
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Hi mama, I hope this is a wake-up call to him. You said its not really effecting his life, but it is. I mean you are *almost* ready to leave him. I'm not prego and am not a part of this board but thought I'd weigh in because a few years back my hubby and I were in a very similiar situation. But he refused to admit he had a problem, said I was the one making it all up. It was like we were having the same fight over and over again, and things just didn't change. I finally hit a breaking point and almost did leave, that is when he suggested counseling.

The counseling actually woke him up. It was so hard for my DH to continue to rationalize his drinking w/ a 3rd party there listening to his excuses and debunking them. I would have to work late and I'd come home and could tell he had been drinking and he'd hide the alchol and lie about it. He was watching our kids and it scared me. I remember the counselor asking him if he would hire a babysitter to watch our kids if he knew they were drinking on the job and my husband said of couse not. And the counselor just waited for him to make the connection.

For my husband it was a way of escaping, but I refuse to believe that he can't control it. He made a choice to drink every time.

Anyway, I came to the realization a couple of years ago that my DH will not ever stop drinking completely. I know we all think of AA, and in the movies they never touch the stuff again, but that just wasn't working for him and I'm actually o.k. with that because I feel he has it under control now. After he cut back on his drinking we would continue to get into huge fights about it because I wanted him to never drink again. But then one day I realized that really he was doing so much better. He was down to drinking only once or twice a month, and mostly at social gatherings. He no longer hid it from me and stopped drinking when he was home alone w/ the kids. So I made a concious decision to be o.k. with this. If he needs it every now and again to escape, I'm good with that, but I'm with you, if he had continued on his drinking almost every night of the week path we wouldn't still be married.

Like your DH, my DH is a great father and a great husband and I love him very much... and luckily we have worked through this issue. I hope the same for you guys.

Hey mama, I'm from Wisconsin too.... are you in the Milwaukee area by chance? If so I'll PM you the name of our counselor.
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:33 PM   #6
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

First of all good for you for talking to him in such a great way! IT is very hard.
Second of all go to Al Anon, it will give you so much peace and insight. It has helped out my mom and me and my dh as well more than I ever thought. Live life day by day, encourage him, congratulate him, be his best avocate but since you laid it out for him you CANNOT back out on what you have said. Keep us updated!
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Old 08-08-2008, 09:43 PM   #7
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

From one alkie's wife to another... I know how it is.
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Old 08-08-2008, 10:03 PM   #8
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Hugs mama! My aunt went through this for years with her husband but with drugs. She prayed and worked at it and prayed some more and he is now an even greater upstanding sober man and their marriage is great. Have you had his social anxiety treated? Perhaps if you get him treatment and counseling for that and maybe counseling for the alcholism too that'll at least be a start. Maybe he'd be better with private counseling than a group AA meeting. I know I would if it were me. I applaud you for being so upfront with him and stubborn about fixing this and staying in the marriage (since he isn't abusive) because it is fixable. It shows great strength on your part and your kids and husband are lucky to have you. I hope you two get this worked out but I do suggest finding some kind of outside help, even if it is just an accountability partner for him who has been there before because there will come a time when he will want to regress and won't know how to not do that.
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Old 08-08-2008, 10:23 PM   #9
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Ok, I'm not in this forum so I hope you'll excuse me, but DH is a recovering alcoholic. He still drinks on a very rare occasion (like twice a year) and is a depressed drunk. He can't have just one, he has to get seriously puking sick and still doesn't stop there. Back in the day he used to make himself throw up because his stomach was full and he wanted to continue drinking.
One day a friend at work found out he was going to get smashed because it was his daughters b-day. he got near poisoned levels every June 6th. His daughter was born when he was 17 and even tho they had been dating for 5 years and sleeping together since they were 14, thier child's mother was from a very christain family and said that DH has raped her and that's how she got pregnant. She also tried to abort the baby.
That friend mentioned to him that maybe he should get a cake and celebrate her b-day with friends rather than getting wasted. That year he did, that started his road to recovery. It's been 10 years since then and he is still recovering. We still have a cake every June 6th Just for her (even though my b-day is the 10th that one is only for her, whether I get one that year or not) 6 years ago when we met, he was still a drinker but only a couple times a month. When we got married he had something better to live for. Plus we have now found him a hobby to "excape" (like you I NEVER get to exscape, NEVER). He goes to the garage and builds halloween props from junk yard crap. he's pretty good at it too. No matter how hectic it is here, I always go to the garage when he calls to see his latest invention. Like a kid, even if you could care less you have to act very enthused and awed. Men need alot of positive reenforcement
All I can say is to find what his triggers are, and try to find a better solution. Find him a hobby, or a bowling league or something not alcohol related that he enjoys and can excape from life with. It's not fair by anymeans when you have 10 min a week away from the kids and that's to pick up groceries, But eventually it'll get tot he point where he'll be willing to give you a break every once in a while. I'm still waiting for it, but he's getting there and m entioning that I should have an excape hobby.

Good luck mama, and all the hugs in the world to you!
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Old 08-08-2008, 10:24 PM   #10
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Oh and with any addiction there will be good and bad days. Days where he'll relaps, but they should get farther and father away. It's been a year since DH's last binge when he didn't make Chief. he didn't make it again this year and spent and extra hour in the garage that day.

And kudo's for not loosing it and yelling, especially while pregnant, you deserve an award!!!
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