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Old 08-09-2008, 09:20 AM   #21
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

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Yes, I was realizing that if i give boundaries I have to keep them.. so those were my bottom lines and I dont want to leave, but if it comes to it, I will. The kids are the most important here, and being pregnant again, i worry so much that OMG maybe hell be drunk when i go to deliver. How embarassing would that be!

I am going to start going to Al-anon.. its on Wednesday. im embarassed to go but I need to help myself help him!
To this day the smell os scotch makes my mom so mad and sick, my dad drank it the whole time she was in labor and when he got in her face near delivery well you know
You shouldn't be embarrased! It is wonderful and you will find alot of peace and comfort, support and commraderie!

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Old 08-09-2008, 09:36 AM   #22
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

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To this day the smell os scotch makes my mom so mad and sick, my dad drank it the whole time she was in labor and when he got in her face near delivery well you know
You shouldn't be embarrased! It is wonderful and you will find alot of peace and comfort, support and commraderie!

THANK YOU.. support I need, because this is not easy! Yeah the smell of alcohol pisses me off. Id break his arm if he was blowing nasty beer breath while I was in labor.

i cant help but feel embarassed. i feel ilke because of his actions people will think less of me as a person and a parent.
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:20 AM   #23
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Not in this board but saw this thread in the opening page...My dad was an alky when I was a child, it was not fun. I don't remember having a dad, I remember having a drunk dad who did stupid things as a result of it.
My mom swears he was a good dad when he wasn't drinking and thats why she stuck it out with him but who was he a dad to, KWIM? Not her, it's the way we (me and my brothers) see it, not her. None of us remember having a coherent dad. Maybe there were good times but I don't remember them, I just remember him drinking during everything we did, even giving us beer as kids.
Maybe your Dh isn't this bad but I'd just put it plain and simple that your kids will remember this, they will either adhear to him and drink too or they will scorn their dad and withdraw from any sort of relationship with him. I had a lot of anger towards my dad for many years growing up, once I knew what was going on. I'm now a 24 year old who is just getting to know her dad. He's been sober for 12 years...it's taken this long for me to forgive him and decide to have a relationship with him. I'm sad to say that my brothers are both drinkers, one more than the other. It's not a healthy enviornment for kids.

I give you many hugs for sticking it out with him and loving him for the man that he is, drinker and all. We all have our flaws and I appreciate every person who will love another even with their flaws. In the same hand, I think you need to get yourself and the kids out of the picture if he starts drinking again. This is his problem, not the family's KWIM? It's okay to support him in growing into a better man, when I say man, I mean father-husband-son etc.
His drinking effects every aspect of his life. I'm going to be honest and say your enabling him by "dealing with it." There are no excuses for "running away" other than not facing KWIM?
Life is crappy and mundane at times, but why is it okay for him to drown his feelings in booze while you deal with it?
I'm sorry if I come of a little raw edged but I've dealt with addicts for so long, DD's dad is a addict and has never had a relationship with her and still to this day blames me for his drinking. "I don't see her so I drink to cope" That's some BS and that's what I'm getting from your hubs too.
I'm sorry again if I am stepping on toes here, but it's really the truth. No one can help him but himself. He has to want to be a better man for himself and his family.

DH had a problem with spending his paycheck at the casinos when we first got together, he'd even lie and hide things to get away with pissing our money away on a black jack table.
I left him, 4 times. Each and every time this was the reason.
We were apart for 2 years, I still saw him, we still went out and were "together" but had seperate homes, bank accounts etc. He use to tell me that he missed sharing his life with me. I'd tell him to get his gambling in check and then we'd have a life again.
It took a while, patience on my part. But I knew he had it in him to do it.
He saw a therapist for a year, still gambled but slowly started seeing "the light" and that this wasn't working or paying off for him.

I think you and DH need to sit down and draw up a contract. You might laugh but it works of he wants to change. Write what you expect and give it a time frame. Be realistic towards the both of you. I'd have a heart to heart with DH too and get him to realize that the drinking is just a band-aid for something he is not dealing with...maybe therapy would be better for him than AA and less likely to trigger his anxieties with large groups. There are therapists out there who specialize in drug and alcohol addiction, my mom is one, go figure.

Good luck mamma...think of your kids first, not your hubs. He's a big boy, if he wants a family, he will be what his family needs.
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:47 AM   #24
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

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I'm sorry if I come of a little raw edged but I've dealt with addicts for so long, DD's dad is a addict and has never had a relationship with her and still to this day blames me for his drinking. "I don't see her so I drink to cope" That's some BS and that's what I'm getting from your hubs too.
I wanted to clairify this...it came off a bit wrong..I mean your DH is telling you he'll only get worse if you leave. That's not true. He'll only get worse if he willingly takes action to get worse KWIM? No one "makes" you do anything. The way you deal with things is what makes you do anything. So don't let him hang that guilt trip over your head. It's only going back to making things comfortable for him, but miserable for you and bad for the kids.
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Old 08-09-2008, 10:52 AM   #25
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

P.S.
PM me if you need someone to talk to...I'll even give you my cell # and we can text if you'd like. It's very difficult to be the bigger person and have to "discipline" someone into a functionable person when you love them so much, but it needs to be done, and once it is done, things will be golden mamma I promise.
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Old 08-09-2008, 11:08 AM   #26
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

sending hugs and prayers. My short and sweet advice: Ask hubby to see a counselor with you. Some things are too hard to change on your own. Addiction is one of them. Usually larger local churches will do it for free.
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Old 08-09-2008, 07:13 PM   #27
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

I understand completely what you are going through. It was not alcohol though when I dealt with someone with an addiction. It can be very hard to not become an "enabler" and make excuses for them yourelf because at times they are miserable unless they are intoxicated. I am glad you put your foot down even though you had a hard time because it will be a test for your relationship and it seems that he has a great head on his shoulders and knows what changes he needs to make in order to benefit you and the kids. I hope everything works out for you and stay strong mama! Sometimes life calls for a little tough love to work through things and it will only make you and your husbands relationship stronger. Like you said that no one ever said love would be this hard........I was told directly by my parents and inlaws that love and marriage wasn't easy and the first five years are the worst! lol and god is it true!

p.s. My hubby is soooooo annoying when he drinks (peeing on the walls, walking around naked!, rambling on about bizarre things in his sleep) basically he becomes soo incoherent that I could hit him with a frying pan and he would never know how he got a headache. I know how you feel about wanting him to stop cold turkey forever, but I've learned it just can make things harder on the situation. My hubby drinks moderately and rarely now due to a situation that occured in our relationship and I feel that if we have two kids and one on the way it is also his job to be a parent even on the weekends because it comes with the territory! (: Keep your head up and things will get better.
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Old 08-09-2008, 07:38 PM   #28
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

Two of my closest friends are dealing with this same thing at the moment. I know how hard it is on them and I don't have any advice or anything but I wanted to give you a and tell you I hope it gets better for you, the kids and him.
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Old 08-10-2008, 02:09 PM   #29
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Re: need advice (alcoholic hubby)

everyones thoughts and opinions and personal expierences were great. It really sincerely helps me to know I am not alone. It hasn't been easy at all loving an alcoholic, but I am sticking with him. He has never been abusive and unless that happened I am going to stick with him. I married him for forever... in sickness and in health. Its just so hard to watch him do this to everyone and himself. He has been great all week, and Its a good step towards sobriety. I am hoping this is it... that he knows I am for real. It certainly hasnt made being pregnant easy because I am by far more emotional than usuall, but I am okay and we will do okay. He is a great man and a great father, but I just cant enable him anymore, and he needs to see that! So I am going to stick to my guns and if it comes down to it we will get out own apartment and seperate. I dont want to, but it may come down to it.

again. Thank you all. It means a lot to me!
HUGS!
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