Do you really say mean things or expect an explanation?

[grayelizabeth06]

I understand there may be alot more going on behind the scenes. I am glad you gave it a good effort and do not judge formula feeding moms for that reason, I know lots of people that wanted to breastfed, but were not able to for various reasons. Only people I judge are uninformed doctors, nurses and professionals.
Liz

Originally Posted by newmommy13 i am in tears now just reading this thread. my DD is going to be 6 months old next week and has been on formula her entire life, except for 1/2 of one day when she was taking a 1/2 oz every 3 oz. she was hospitalized for a month after birth and i had complications and i never really had a supply. i pumped every 2-3 hours for 10 weeks (until i literally could not pump a drop) and i never got more than 8 oz, that was on my best day ever. usually around 3-5 oz a day. this was on a host of drugs/herbs/teas and every induction protocol i could find. it breaks my heart that my LO and i were unable to share that experience of nursing, and that at the very least i coudln't even pump enough to feed her. i mourn this as though it was a death. i am still devastated. i've read such horrific things coming from DS mommies that i almost stopped coming on completely. i understand some moms just choose to FF, i have a friend who did that, but blamed not having enough milk though she refused to pump more than 2-3 times a day for a baby WHO COULD NURSE. it makes me sad that someone would choose not to because i tried so hard. but i would never NEVER say awful things about those mamas that i have heard on here. you can't automatically assume that someone is "choosing" to ff. i hope i don't get another thread deleted, just wanted to say that yes i have experienced this and to point out that there may be a little more going on behind the scenes... ETA the same mommy i was talking about before was pregnant at the same time i was. she asked me hwo long i was planning on nursing and i said hopefully a year at minimum. she was shocked and asked me if i knew babies can get teeth at 5 months. she said she planned on bfing for 3 months (i'm not making this up) because she didn't want her baby to ever ask for it in public or pull on her shirt. i have the utmost respect for BFing mommies.

[BarbieAnn79]

As far as breastffeding and the benefits ect. we have come to a point in which woman ( and men) are more educated and have more support than ever before in history . Yet there are still quite a few myths out there, as well as bad advice from persons not qualified to give out such advice... But we are armed with ACCURATE information in which has, does, and will continue to debunk these myths and enlighten us that are falsley advised.
BUT, only those of which DEEPLY and TRUELY desire to make breastfeeding work will seek out this support and knowlage and with every fiber of thier being do thier damndest to make breastfeeding work for them in they way that best suits thier needs and their families needs.
I Have seen TOO MANY mommas throw in the towel very prematurely * ( according to them...) because "they couldnt".. I often hear " oh I wanted to, but I couldnt because_____________" and MORE often than not their reasoning ( information that THEY volunteer) is a reason based of myth and/or bad advice- but honestly I cannot help but think the whole "ignorance of bliss" mantra applies here. If a woman dosnt truely feel that breastfeeding is the best feeding choice for her or her family, giving an explanation for why she "couldnt" rather than " i just didnt want to" makes her feel less judged. Because she KNOWS that breastmilk is superior to artificial supplementation.. she KNOWS the benefits , but she still feels that breastfeeding is not something she is comfortable with, it isnt something she wants to deal with, ect ect ect, but dosnt want a guilt trip put over her head. So saying " i really tried and then this led to this and dr. so and so said this and and I feel real sad it didnt work because i know it is healthier for the baby" ect " or ' i couldnt breastfeed because ( fill in blank with some myth )"
When I hear these things coming out of the mouths of woman I want to scream.
There ARE a percentage of woman that TRUELY try and give it their all and it dosnt work out, these are not the woman I am speaking of here.
If a woman dosnt want to breastfeed for WHATEVER reason AND she is educated about breastfeeding so she is making an educated choice and her choice isnt myth or mis-information based, she needs to just OWN it.
Stop lying to yourself . Stop lying to other people. Stop volunteering excuses that really do not apply- just OWN it. YOU DIDNT want to breastfeed. You know the benefits. But it STILL wasnt something you wanted to do. period. Own it. I cannot stand that. When somebody says " you still breastfeeding that kid/ still pumping for that kid"? and then " wow I really wanted to but blah blah blah" ... it makes me ponder" why are you defending yourself?" I AM not attacking you? so why? are you giulty about not breastfeeding? do you feel like you are less of a parent and you are apologizing for it? Because you don't have to. Stop sizing other moms up and sizing yourself up- stop it. I am sure that a LOT of thought went into such a important parenting choice- I am sure that it was something that you struggled with internally , because if you did'nt you wouldnt be so defensive.
I have a friend you KNOWS breastmilk is best, but still chose formula. while *I* personally have a hard time digesting that sort of a "choice" and couldnt imagain MYSELF making THAT choice, I am NOT her and those are not my kids. and the fact that my friend has enough self respect ,and confidence in well thought out parenting choices, that she dosnt make up excuses makes me respect HER more. Formula IS a valid feeding choice in lieu of human milk... it isnt better and it certainly isnt even close to equal, but it is a valid choice! It isnt as if she shoved a bottle full of diet coke in her newborns mouth, she gave her child an appropriate alternative to human milk.She is at peace with her choice, and a peaceful momma is a good thing.
I don't EXPECT an explaination, and no i do not say mean things. I see a newborn gulping done formula and it seems a lil " off" to me, because I have very deep ( breastfeeding ) convictions, But I have to say to myself " not my child not my choice", I have no idea what thier story is ect. Now if a momma had a new baby and was using bottle but trying desperatly to breastfeed, I would be more than happy to give her all the support and advice and resourses I could- but when breastfeeding is not in the cards, whats done is done. I respect that.

[mommy21princess]

After writing my post I read the post above and it says all I need to say! That's pretty much how I feel!! I def. don't say mean things to ppl, I do get upset on the inside but I don't say it out loud!

[nothingtosee]

If I ever say anything, it's more out of curiosity than to be mean. Problem with that is, it always seems like I'm trying to be judgemental, when really I just want to know. It's one of those sensitive things that I'm always curious about but can't ask cuz I don't want to be seen as mean. Actually, I don't think I've ever said anything to a ff mom. I did tick of a daddy of a ff fed baby when I said that there was no way I could afford formula, but I didn't mean anything rude or mean by saying it. I was ff, as was my brother, and I actually had planned on ff ds so that I could go back to work early, I was just blessed with way more support that I had expected and was able to bf.

ETA: Why would a bf momma be in the ff thread? Seems like they would be looking for trouble doing that. That's a disgusting attitude to have.

[newmommy13]

i totally agree with barbarann's post. i think a lot of FF moms secretly feel guilty about "choosing" to FF, trying to justify it in their heads because they do know that bm is far superior. for that reason (and mamas in my situation who truly do feel guilt and anguish for not being able to bf) it is a super sensitive topic and people are very emotional about it. i think more often i do try and offer explanation on why we FF just because i so desperately don't want to FF, and (this is WAY harsh) i don't want people to think i am a mother who would CHOOSE to ff. but as in many areas of my life i need to stop worrying about what other people think.

oh yeah, i FF but stumbled on this thread in a search for info on milk donation. thats my reasoning for being on the BFing board, but maybe its a little different for a bfing mom to be on the ff board?

[JeDeeLenae]

Originally Posted by nothingtosee ETA: Why would a bf momma be in the ff thread? Seems like they would be looking for trouble doing that. That's a disgusting attitude to have.

Originally Posted by newmommy13 oh yeah, i FF but stumbled on this thread in a search for info on milk donation. thats my reasoning for being on the BFing board, but maybe its a little different for a bfing mom to be on the ff board?

I don't think it makes a difference. Having the two sections was not meant to drive us all apart, but to bring us together with other people with issues like us. Everyone can learn from each other here.

[ClothDiaperMePlease]

Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae I don't think it makes a difference. Having the two sections was not meant to drive us all apart, but to bring us together with other people with issues like us. Everyone can learn from each other here.

ITA.

[nothingtosee]

Originally Posted by JeDeeLenae I don't think it makes a difference. Having the two sections was not meant to drive us all apart, but to bring us together with other people with issues like us. Everyone can learn from each other here.

Gotchya I stay outa there cuz I don't know anything about it. Plus, I know some people irl that would totally go looking to start a fight...I end up apologizing to whoever they happened to offend. Gotta love family.

[BeachMommyOfTwo]

I probably wont be making any friends for saying this, but I dont care.

BarbieAnn. I think what you said is rude and uncalled for. Who are you to presume that a FF mama is making up said story because she feels guilty abt the choice she made??? Even if that is the case, why does it matter to you? Who cares WHY they made that choice? Does it really bother you THAT much that you get all hot and bothered by the fact that a mama is trying to make herslef feel better about a choice she made for her child(ren)????? I cant imagine caring so much about the choices that other mamas make.

Own it?? She is owning it. By making that choice, she is owning the fact that she chose to FF insead of BF. No FF mama owes you or any other person on this Earth a thing when it comes to the choices they make.

Bottom line after reading many of these types of threads in the FF and BF forums (I guess I'm *allowed* to move between threads b/c I did both ) is I guess I just dont get why people care so much about what other mamas choose to do. If it isnt harmful to the child(ren) then what the heck is the big deal???? They are doing what is best for them, what works for them, what makes them feel good, etc.

Some people around here need to just get off their high horses.

[BarbieAnn79]

Originally Posted by BeachMommyOfTwo I probably wont be making any friends for saying this, but I dont care. BarbieAnn. I think what you said is rude and uncalled for. Who are you to presume that a FF mama is making up said story because she feels guilty abt the choice she made??? Even if that is the case, why does it matter to you? Who cares WHY they made that choice? Does it really bother you THAT much that you get all hot and bothered by the fact that a mama is trying to make herslef feel better about a choice she made for her child(ren)????? I cant imagine caring so much about the choices that other mamas make. Own it?? She is owning it. By making that choice, she is owning the fact that she chose to FF insead of BF. No FF mama owes you or any other person on this Earth a thing when it comes to the choices they make. Bottom line after reading many of these types of threads in the FF and BF forums (I guess I'm *allowed* to move between threads b/c I did both ) is I guess I just dont get why people care so much about what other mamas choose to do. If it isnt harmful to the child(ren) then what the heck is the big deal???? They are doing what is best for them, what works for them, what makes them feel good, etc. Some people around here need to just get off their high horses.

yOU OBVIOUSLY COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD me.Either that or you skipped over half my post!
I sorta just said she dosnt own anyone an explaination- and it dosnt matter to me, as I clearly stated that she volunteered an excuse- I never asked for one- so before you start to jump on the defense- make sure you understand the authors message- clearly you didnt.
NOBODY owes me an explaination, which I thought I clearly outlined.
Time after Time mommas who FF have VOLUNTEERED information / explanations to me and A TON of times they have said they *REALLY wanted to ,but absolutely couldnt for some medical reason * but the medical reason they gave wasnt a valid reason. Mommas Saying " I couldnt because I had ( fill in blank)______!" medical condition that would not have interferred with breastfeeding. In fact there in one momma who went on to tell me that after her baby was born he couldnt breastfeed because he made blood come out of her nipples and the doctor said to stop?" and I asked " oh, you mean , you had some cracking and bleeding on the skin on/around your nipple?" and she said " NO! it was IN my breasts, he sucked so hard the veins popped inside my boob and he was sucking blood from my vein" ... So apparently vampire baby HAD to go on formula which was devistating to her? But then I happen to over hear her tell another momma that she couldnt breastfeed because some other issue that had to do with him being allergic to her milk and how gut wrenching it was to put him on a bottle because she knew how much better breastfeeding was ect. Then once she made some off-hand comment to another mom that she thought it was perverted to breastfeed past 6 months? And that she loved the fact that he could hold his own bottle now so she could just give it to him and go do other stuff around the house .. freedom ect. which she couldnt get if she was BF? Which lead me to honestly believe that breastfeeding just wasnt something she really felt was right for her and her family, but instead of saying THAT, she chose to tell me ( and other people) excuses and explainations ... and the fact that there were holes in her story(s) as well ...I noticed that she made some " I am so sad I COULDNT breastfeed" type remarks when she was around me or another breastfeeding momma, but when she got around mommas who FF, she didnt have the same attitude towards her 'inability to breastfeed'... It was as if she was just seeking approval and the fact that SHe volunteered those explantions and attitudes made me sad for her. SHE DIDNT own it in the sence that she acted as if she was sorry for her doomed BF relationship & I wasnt entirely sure she was sorry... she SHOULDNT be sorry for not wanting to breastfeed. But she acted like she was because she was maybe feeling like she was under scrutany from BF moms? When a woman really wants to BF but really really can't and feels badly for it, it makes me sad for her that she is being so hard on herself- It is sad to see somebody want something so badly and not have it work out. But when a woman just dosnt want to, it isnt something they feel comfortable with or they just plain do not want to deal with, THEN I get aggitated when they make up stories as to why they couldnt , and when they draw attention to how sorry they were it didnt work , when in fact they have no regrets at all and are not sorry-but they are too afraid to say " Yeah, I did my homework , and I know the benefits of BF, BUT BF was just not my thing, and so what? I do not love my kid any less... I FF and like it just fine... you BF and like it Just fine... My baby MY CHOICE - i simply didnt WANT to BF so I DIDNT and I am NOT sorry"
Eventually that momma fessed up- she didnt WANT to BF and she DIDNT try... and she WASNT sorry for making that choice- but she did'nt want others to judge her for "at least not trying" so she said stuff that wasnt entirely true , that way the BF mommas out there, her our OBGYN as well as her family wouldnt give her a hard time- if she told them she at least tried , then they would be sympathetic and say " it is okay- I know you wanted your baby to have the best, at least you tried momma! "
as oppossed to " I cannot believe you could be so selfish- don't you care about the well being of your child! You know, you could have at least tried! how could you NOT want what was BEST! don't you care!?"
Thats what I mean by Owning it.
Stand by your feeding choices.If that was the choice that YOU wanted to make- own it- Be proud of who you are and be proud of the parenting descisions you make- if it feels right go for it and DO NOT apologize or tell stories to applease the masses - Do feel like you have to defend yourself- because you don't.
....Dont make the purposeful choice to wear your favorite red sweater to a purple cocktail party , and gush " my purple sweater shrunk and i couldnt show up naked"... but rather " Red ain't my color" with your head held high.