Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-13-2008, 06:43 PM   #1
ashtonsmom's Avatar
ashtonsmom
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 4,939
My Mood:
very challenging behaviours

is there a open thread for mamas with kids with challenging behavior? ds is an absolute handful for many reasons and somedays i feel like i am going to loose it and could really use some ideas from other mamas. ds has suspected prader willi syndrome so that in itself is tough to deal with every day.

Advertisement

__________________
Sandra, SAHM to Ashton Kaine (04) andSierra Jewell (07)and our two angels in heaven. Miss you!
Hudson Grae is here!!!! Nov 7th!
ashtonsmom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2008, 06:51 PM   #2
titania's Avatar
titania
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 5,762
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

perhaps the book "raising your spirited child" would be a good resource for you. i know it is for me. i need to read it again.

so what kinds of behaviors are you talking about?
__________________
~helen~ mama to 6 yo tornado twins, jonas and micah and my 3 yo wild child, eli
titania is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2008, 08:13 PM   #3
ashtonsmom's Avatar
ashtonsmom
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 4,939
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

does not listen or follow what he's told. i know all kids do that to some extent but its excessive and constint. he has had his hearing checked also. if he is hitting for example and I say please dont hit it takes me repeating that over atleast 3-5 times and alot of time he will not stop whatever it is until i yell it. i hate yelling. it makes me feel terrible! i also need to add that he functions as a 6 year old mentality wise. he had been tested for aspergers because of this. if we are not fighting over food its for something else. i cant think of the last time we had a day that was good. and by that i mean just dealing with everyday normal toddler stuff. he yells screams often runs by and hits you when mad. im at my wits end about it! days are exhausting! plus dealing with a baby. also let me add these behaviors were present long before baby ever came around. now if he does have prader willie alot of behaviors come along with that. i just dont know what we are doing wrong to make him act this way.
__________________
Sandra, SAHM to Ashton Kaine (04) andSierra Jewell (07)and our two angels in heaven. Miss you!
Hudson Grae is here!!!! Nov 7th!
ashtonsmom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2008, 09:41 PM   #4
2boysmama's Avatar
2boysmama
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 4,923
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

Oh mama, I feel your pain! I have a 3 1/2 year old that is constantly in battle with any/all authority. He used to be so sweet but now I just really have to wonder what we did wrong. I know that dh and I are not consistant so I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Is there anything that will calm him down a little. I know when my son is that way he likes to be by himself playing with cars in his room or left alone on the computer with one of his games. Sometimes he will chill out if I read to him, other times he just likes to be alone. Is there a place your son can safely go and calm down? I'll be thinking of you mama, parenting is tough! Good luck
__________________
LesLee wife to Andy 8.2.02 SAHM to Evan 1.13.05 and Ryan 4.4.07 and Colt 4.26.11 and Anderson
on 1/3/14 and unexpectedly expecting due 11/7/15

In with Jesus for over 20 years!
2boysmama is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2008, 09:55 PM   #5
Happygrl6's Avatar
Happygrl6
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Oahu, Hawaii
Posts: 1,284
Re: very challenging behaviours



Do you (almost) always use 'please'? Adding 'please' to a behavior request almost never ends with compliance with DD. If I don't use it, I get compliance much quicker. I don't know WHY it works, really, but it was suggested on another board I'm on and I've found it really does help with her.

I give one 'stop hitting X, Elizabeth' and then one more repetition. Then I get up and stop her from doing whatever the behavior is. She's not always thrilled by my enforcement (to put it mildly! :giggle) but it DOES save me some frustration of getting to he point of yelling. She DOES stop when I get ot the point of raising my voice, I just hate to do it. And I hate to teach her that's the only time she really "has" to stop.
__________________
~Tricia~
Mama to Elizabeth (10/01/04) and Benjamin (01/27/08) and Matthew (04/25/10)

ISO Boyish Side-snapping AI2s in Mediums, especially Grasshoppers diapers
Happygrl6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2008, 10:41 PM   #6
ashtonsmom's Avatar
ashtonsmom
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 4,939
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

no i dont always use please. haha!! but at 4 should they know by now to follow the rules? why do i always have to get up and make him stop. why cant he just stop when told to? in his 4 year old sports we expect him to know the rules and follow them so shouldnt he be able to the rest of the time or am i being unreasonable? I feel like i am nagging all day. stop that , put that down, get out of the fridge, in a minute blah blah. i want to homeschool but at this rate i'd be commited somewhere!! i will try your suggestion and just stay it stern from the start. but should there be a consiquence if he does not follow? otherwise why listen? thanks mamas!!!!
__________________
Sandra, SAHM to Ashton Kaine (04) andSierra Jewell (07)and our two angels in heaven. Miss you!
Hudson Grae is here!!!! Nov 7th!
ashtonsmom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2008, 03:43 AM   #7
LilyGrace
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 2,851
Re: very challenging behaviours

Quote:
Originally Posted by ashtonsmom View Post
no i dont always use please. haha!! but at 4 should they know by now to follow the rules? why do i always have to get up and make him stop. why cant he just stop when told to? in his 4 year old sports we expect him to know the rules and follow them so shouldnt he be able to the rest of the time or am i being unreasonable? I feel like i am nagging all day. stop that , put that down, get out of the fridge, in a minute blah blah. i want to homeschool but at this rate i'd be commited somewhere!! i will try your suggestion and just stay it stern from the start. but should there be a consiquence if he does not follow? otherwise why listen? thanks mamas!!!!

That's a good question. Why should we listen to the rules?

One thing that helped here was changing my negative statements to positive/neutral ones that gave information. Instead of get out of the fridge I could say the fridge needs to stay closed. Simple, gets the point across, and doesn't hammer the kid. It's just part of how the house runs: the fridge needs to stay shut (or you need to think of what you want, then open and get), the beds need to be made, the food needs to be eaten at the table, hands need to be washed....non-accusatory or personalizing statements. Just the emphasis on the RULE being for everyone.

Why follow them? Because the electric bill would go up, guests need to feel comfortable when they come to play, the floor would need to be swept, everything dirty fingers touch would need to be washed.

The consequence is direct: help come up with ways to save electricity, no guests until the bed is made (rather, guests may come over AFTER the chores are done - positive, not negative ), there's the broom for the messmaker to use, and here's the cloth for Dirty Fingers to wash what he touched.

-----------

It took me a long time to let go of direct control. I thought it was my job to make sure everyone did what they were supposed to and I took on a lot of extra stress and heartache, and lost a lot of love. Taking on the role of teacher let me step back and stand up for the common sense rules without getting too emotionally involved. My role changed. It wasn't to make sure it was done right/punish if it was wrong, it was to make sure the world was understood and that follow through was learned. I don't even know if I'm explaining it right, but it feels much different and I approach discipline a lot differently than I did when I first began. Going positve/neutral let me stay calmer.

I don't think at 4 he's too old to have you enforce things physically, but I think you can lessen the phase. Don't wait. If you're saying something 3-4 times before you move that's 2-3 times too many. Say it once, follow through the second time with physical help. "The door needs to stay shut" - walk him to the door and shut it. (also gives usable information. "Get out of the fridge is a one time deal, "needs to stay shut" gives information for the next time).


You can also try touching him first, giving a short direction, and asking him to repeat back ("do you understand what I need you to do? What is it?"). As they slip into the 'ignoring' phase where they get intent on one thing, this helps because they're jolted out and have to use their brains to process the information. I timed it once with my oldest. Just telling him I got a processing time of 10-15 seconds consistently before he started moving. With the touch,talk,listen approach that processing time was cut to next to nothing.


One last thought - 4 is still such a tender age. If as adults we still can't be counted on to do things when we're told all the time, I think we should cut a bit of slack and understanding for someone who has spent the last 4 years in hyper-speed learning the ways of the land. Just because they know they should follow the rules doesn't mean there isn't plenty of learning and growing to be done in the areas of control, reason, and logic.
__________________
Left DS because of lack of virus control.
LilyGrace is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2008, 05:11 PM   #8
ashtonsmom's Avatar
ashtonsmom
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 4,939
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

some good points there! thank you!
__________________
Sandra, SAHM to Ashton Kaine (04) andSierra Jewell (07)and our two angels in heaven. Miss you!
Hudson Grae is here!!!! Nov 7th!
ashtonsmom is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2008, 05:27 PM   #9
jollygoodANDgreen's Avatar
jollygoodANDgreen
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: California
Posts: 2,302
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

Quote:
Originally Posted by LilyGrace View Post
One last thought - 4 is still such a tender age. If as adults we still can't be counted on to do things when we're told all the time, I think we should cut a bit of slack and understanding for someone who has spent the last 4 years in hyper-speed learning the ways of the land. Just because they know they should follow the rules doesn't mean there isn't plenty of learning and growing to be done in the areas of control, reason, and logic.
Totally agree with the above. Wish I could help you out mama but I too have a very strong willed 4yo and am also always at my breaking point.
__________________
proud mama
jollygoodANDgreen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-14-2008, 05:34 PM   #10
jess71903's Avatar
jess71903
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Central Arkansas
Posts: 6,595
My Mood:
Re: very challenging behaviours

Wow! I like the approach by LilyGrace. From your description, I think he's learned that he doesn't have to obey on the 1st request. If you get to the point of nagging and yelling, then he knows he's got until then before he'll be made to. I think you need to buckle down and give swift consequences if he doesn't obey on the first try. If you are anti- spanking, you could try the "Super Nanny" approach and use a naughty mat. I would use a bath mat somewhere that you can see him (not in his room) and leave him there for 4 minutes. If he gets up, return him to it as many times as it takes. Then get on his level and make him say he's sorry.
__________________

Gage is Redefining Spina Bifida
jess71903 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.