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Old 10-18-2006, 11:27 AM   #1
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question for mamas with kids very close in age

Hello mamas!

As you probably know, we are pre adoptive foster parents. We just got a call for a newborn baby girl, still in the hospital. We are waiting to hear about her details, but as it stands all we know is that she will first go to a temporary foster home until a permanant, pre adoptive one is found. So I have a few days to think this through.

Part of me wants to say yes, and the other part of me thinks I am insane for even concidering this. Amira is not yet one, she is 11 months. Celeste is 7 with involved special needs. Dh and I both agree we want more children, but dont agree on it being now. He wants to wait until Amira is at least 2. I am open to suggestion

So what I am looking for is personal opinions and experiences. Yes, I am sure we could make it work, but do we want to is the question. Would we be happy or would we regret it? I dont want to make the wrong decision, I am sure many other families would be happy to give this baby a home if we are not able. DH is concerned about stretching ourselves to thin. He feels that we are at a point where our youngest is still a baby and needs us and that it would not be fair to either of the little ones to bring a new baby in the home, not to even mention poor Celeste. We just got home from a scary hospital stay, and dh is worried about how our family would have managed in the intesive care unit with Amira and a newborn. He feels that if Amira were older and slightly more self sufficient that a newborn would be much easier to manage, and that as a whole we would all enjoy our new addition that much more, as opposed to it being more work instead of more joy. That being said, I know my dh, and I know he will adore any child we bring home as much as he adores his current two. I know he will adapt and be happy with our family no matter how many children are in it.

I do hear his points and I think they are good ones. I also see a benefit to having sisters close in age, I think its an incredible gift to give each of the girls for the rest of thier lives.

So, can mamas of children about 1 year apart chime in and give me a reality check on how your lives work? Is there more joy and happiness than frustration and stress? In our situation, taking Celeste into account, do you think its rash to bring a new baby home, or do you think its wise to wait until our baby is slightly older?

thanks so much everyone

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Old 10-18-2006, 11:35 AM   #2
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Well...my first two dd's are 16 months apart which is a bit more, but most people considered it pretty close..and I thought it was wonderful! they always got along so well and i did not find it too difficult. I pretty much had a new baby every 2 years after that till my last two, had a 5 yr gap after #5...and of course i don't have any children with special needs to deal with besides asthma, so that is something i am not knowledgable with..but I think that whatever you decide will be right, you are right, someone else will be happy to give that sweet baby a home I am sure( I would love to..lol) but if you decide that someone is you, I think you will get along fine, and your two little ones will be best friends!

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Old 10-18-2006, 11:51 AM   #3
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

I am worried about being streched thin as well when this one comes and mine will be about 18 mos apart. To me, 2-3 years is probably ideal, but I have not YET had the experience of raising them together...so I would hold off, but on the other hand, I have such a hard time saying no to a baby!!! I feel your pain mama!
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Old 10-18-2006, 11:58 AM   #4
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

I had three babies in three years. Yes, it's a lot of work. Some days I wonder what on earth I was thinking. However I love having them close. The two older kids play together a lot- built in best friends, ya know? I honestly don't think three kids is that much more work than two. We plan to adopt in the future as well and will probably begin the process when KB is 2. I would take a couple days to talk/think/pray with your Dh.

GL
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Old 10-18-2006, 12:53 PM   #5
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

My 2 are 15 months apart. At first I was devestated...but now I wouldn't do it any other way. I'm actually planning on doing 2 more 1-1/2 years apart in about 4 years! It was alot of work in the beginning but now that DD and DS are playing together it is great. They are the best of friends too!
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:09 PM   #6
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Our 2 will be almost 15 months apart and a few people have told us that we will love it because they will be the best of friends and they will be so close, most people though think we are crazy.

I do think that your situation is a little different though than just having babies close together because of your DD's special needs.

Our DD has Epilepsy and I know that your Celeste also has seizures with other things and I know how hard it can be.

Honestly if I would have had a choice I would not have had our babies so close.

I am really worried about how we are going to deal with bringing DD to all of her appointments and tests with a newborn in tow, I am preparing myself for the fact that maybe I will not be able to go to all of the appointments at times.

It just seems that right now with our DD there seems to be a lot of unknown with regard to how she is and how stable she is at any moment so I am worried about having to deal with another baby while going through all of that.

I also don't want to take any attention away from DD or DS and I worry about having time for both of their needs so that neither gets the short end of the stick. I'm more worried about dealing with DD's issues and then feeling like DS is lacking in some way.

I have no doubt that it can be done and it can be dealt with and both will get equal time and love but it's just IF I had a choice this is not the "ideal" that I would have chosen.

I just think that you need to consider your situation and what you are capable of and go through how you would handle something happening with Celeste and then what you would do with the other 2 when that was going on.

I always think it's best to look at things ahead of time and try to work things out and then see if it is really something you can deal with.

I have no doubt you will do what's best for you and your family, I can't imagine how hard it would be to be offered another little miracle and have to think about the possibility of saying no.

Just remember that there are TONS of families that would also jump at the chance to have this little one so if you do decide that it's not what is in the best interest for you and your family you should not feel badly.



Your family are always in our thoughts and prayers.

So is Celeste feeling better?? I was so worried and have been thinking and wondering how everything was going from your post about her being in the ICU. I had my DH read your posts and he was worried too.
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:17 PM   #7
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

I don't want this to sound mean or anything...I don't mean it at all like that.


My DS is special needs as well. He has non-specific lung disease and is in testing for Cystic Fibrosis. While the points in the pp are very valid (having to juggle kids, appts, etc) that is something that you would have to face with multiple children at any age gap.
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:24 PM   #8
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Personally, from one foster mama to another, if you and your dh agreed to wait, I'd follow through with that and wait. I know it sounds corny, but there IS a home for that baby, and if you're not 100%, then it might not be yours, kwim?

That said, right now our boys are 7 (May, 1999), 6 (July, 2000), 4 (Jan/02) 1 (March/05) and 1 (April/05). The 7yo and the April baby are our bios; the 6yo is our stb-adopted son (we've had him since 2003), and the 4 and 1yo's have been with us since April/May -- came to us 2x and were RU once for 5 weeks.

So, if you do take this baby, I'm right there in the loony bin with ya! You should see the looks I get from people when they ask if the babies are twins, and I say no. Then the "How far apart are there?" "Three weeks!"

Talk to your dh and look waayyyy inside to see if this REALLY is the right baby and the right time for your family.

GL!
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:25 PM   #9
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

My first two are just over 16mo apart. I love it. BUT I did not have an older child with special needs - or any older child for that matter. Most people think I'm crazy anyway, as I don't mind at all having lots of little ones! I really enjoy it. I actually watched my niece and nephew full-time for a year and a half and had 2 infants, 2 toddlers, and a preschooler in my home for 10hrs a day. It was fun!

Anyway, I don't know that anyone can really advise you on this choice as you need to do what will work for your family. What does your heart tell you? Do you really want this baby? FWIW, my oldest two are inseparable. So was dh and his brother who is 14mo younger than him. And my brother and I (who are barely a year apart) are SUPER close too, but we did go through several years where we couldn't stand each other. So, yes, they will likely be VERY close - but they may still be very close even if they are 2yrs apart. You never know.
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Old 10-18-2006, 01:30 PM   #10
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Re: question for mamas with kids very close in age

Quote:
Originally Posted by StaceyM View Post
I don't want this to sound mean or anything...I don't mean it at all like that.


My DS is special needs as well. He has non-specific lung disease and is in testing for Cystic Fibrosis. While the points in the pp are very valid (having to juggle kids, appts, etc) that is something that you would have to face with multiple children at any age gap.
I agree I never said that it wasn't I just meant that it could be made more difficult when one is a newborn and one is only months older.

I just think it's something to consider and something that is made harder.
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