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Old 09-08-2008, 10:36 PM   #1
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Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

We are planning on becoming fosterparents next year.
My biggest concern is that I will be having a realy hard time to let them go again. How do you emotionaly cope with that?
I am very motherly and over protective of any baby and child and am very emoyionaly when it comes to kids rights. I am sure I would be heartbroken if I had to release one of my placements back into less then ideal living circumstances.

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Old 09-08-2008, 11:27 PM   #2
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with ahving to let the placed kids go again?

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Old 09-09-2008, 08:07 AM   #3
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

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Originally Posted by onemomto2 View Post
We are planning on becoming fosterparents next year.
My biggest concern is that I will be having a realy hard time to let them go again. How do you emotionaly cope with that?
I am very motherly and over protective of any baby and child and am very emoyionaly when it comes to kids rights. I am sure I would be heartbroken if I had to release one of my placements back into less then ideal living circumstances.
We haven't gotten through the process yet, and I know it will be hard when we are licensed, take a placement, and see that child return to home when things don't seem kosher.

HOWEVER, we have come to the conclusion that it is better for these kids to have the time away from their families so their families can regroup and thus be there for the kids during that time than for the kids to be put in some foster home where they are abused more (you've heard the horror stories; they exist for a reason). My husband points out that it's not about our feelings, but about the child. Better to be there for a little while than for those children not to have the experience of being loved and cared for. Just my .
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Old 09-09-2008, 08:18 AM   #4
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

I have answered this question soo many times I have memorized what I say It is very commonly asked because it does seem like it would be SOO hard and honestly, it is. But, what I tell people is that we went into fostering knowing our place... Our place is to be there, care for, and nurture these children until they can either be placed back with their bioparents or be placed in a permanent home. By knowing our place in the whole process from the beginning we go into it creating a different sort of attachment. We love them and they love us but we both know (unless they are very little and then it IS harder) that this is not their permanent home! You honestly just get used to it also though. You cannot remain emotionally unattached completely but you CAN make sure that you remind yourself the whole way through why you do what you do and what your place is kwim?? I hope this makes sense! Feel free to pm me if you would like to talk or have any more questions to ask!! And goodluck on your journey to become a foster parent...
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Old 09-09-2008, 09:16 AM   #5
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

Some are harder to let go than others. Some steal your heart immediately and others take longer.
You do what you are supposed to do, then close the door, do a ton of laundry to get rid of the smell of the child/baby and shed a lot of tears while sniffing blankets and wait for the next phone call.
Thats what seems to happen in my house anyway.
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:49 PM   #6
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

That is the one concern that I have always had and has kept me from committing to fostering. You all give me hope that it is possible to foster parent and do it with the right mindset.
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Old 09-11-2008, 09:54 PM   #7
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

I work at a fost/adopt agency and my husband and I are also foster parents. I like what was posted earlier. You do have to remember your role in the process. You are just the temporary home. I also would advice if it's possible and in the bets interest of the child, make friends with the bio parents or the adoptive parents. As hard as it may be, then at least you have a better chance of staying connected. We always encourage our families to befriend the bio parents as their mentors. It doesn't always work out, but there have been times where bio parents have embraced the help they get from foster parents. It always helps me to know that when a child leaves my home, as hard as it is (and it is hard) that only frees up space for another child to come into my home that needs us now. There is always another child waiting for a loving home. So while part of me grieves another part of me anticipates the arrival of the next one.
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Old 09-11-2008, 10:19 PM   #8
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

This is exactly why I haven't fostered. I have no idea how I'd cope with that.
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Old 09-12-2008, 09:31 PM   #9
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by looking8186 View Post
I have answered this question soo many times I have memorized what I say It is very commonly asked because it does seem like it would be SOO hard and honestly, it is. But, what I tell people is that we went into fostering knowing our place... Our place is to be there, care for, and nurture these children until they can either be placed back with their bioparents or be placed in a permanent home. By knowing our place in the whole process from the beginning we go into it creating a different sort of attachment. We love them and they love us but we both know (unless they are very little and then it IS harder) that this is not their permanent home! You honestly just get used to it also though. You cannot remain emotionally unattached completely but you CAN make sure that you remind yourself the whole way through why you do what you do and what your place is kwim?? I hope this makes sense! Feel free to pm me if you would like to talk or have any more questions to ask!! And goodluck on your journey to become a foster parent...
I totally agree with that

You have to remind yourself daily of what your purpose is! Lots of stability and lots of love. If you are fostering just to foster vs. foster to adopt - it is easier to keep your focus. I always worry about the foster to adopt parents that get placements hoping that they will be terminated. You never know what the court system will do or what bizarre things will come up. i.e. I know of a baby whose parental rights were terminated, and foster parents were planning to adopt but mother was Native American, therefore he was offered to the "tribe" first, and they took him. Rare but strange things are possible.

Find good support from other parents in your area. You may need someone to hand you kleenex and you can't share the details of your placement with just anyone! Therefore, even your close friends won't be able to understand the environments that you might have to send them back to!
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Old 09-14-2008, 08:47 AM   #10
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Re: Fosterparents. How do you cope with having to let the placed kids go again?

We are foster to adopt but are also open to straight foster. We have had our first placement - foster son - for just over 3 months full-time now. We had him for 2 weeekends a month for 2 months before becoming full-time in our home (we did respite care for the grandparents who no longer wanted to care for him).

We have no idea what is going to happen with his case. We're thinking that we'll have him between 1-2 years before anything is officially signed. We do bond with him and he is learning to bond with us (attachment issues). It will be hard to let him go if it comes down to that. We have to keep on reminding ourselves that we are like a long-term babysitter with parental responsibilities who also need to show him how to attach to others.

It has not been an easy process with him and Andy and he fight constantly (he's shown Andy how to be more agressive and fight really well ). So, at this point, if he was taken from us, we would miss him but wouldn't miss the fighting, screaming, biting, etc. Let's just say that we've had a hard first placement.
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