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Old 06-12-2015, 03:00 PM   #1
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Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

So to start off with I am 13 weeks along, due date is Dec. 19th, about two weeks after my first will turn two. My DH and I had talked about having our second soon, I wanted them close in age but had decided I wanted Samuel(my first) to be just a little bit older. Any ways fast forward and now we have a surprise baby coming, while we did want another we were hoping to wait a bit, or at least I was, my husband is beyond excited. And I am left feeling not so excited.

I feel terrible really, because I thought even though its not the best time I would get excited like with my first but I am not. I am not attached, excited, or even really keeping track of dates or anything. I hate feeling like this, especially because everyone keeps asking me if I am excited and all this and I lie because I don't want them to know how I really feel. I keep telling myself that once I feel him/her move, or get the sex of the baby that it will change. Or I tell myself I just don't have time or energy to be excited because have so much going on, and am so busy with my son. I am still hoping to get pumped about this baby, I really just wanted to see if anyone else has gone through this with a second or more babies, and if so does it get better?

I guess it might be me feeling guilty about having another baby and wondering how it will effect my first who is so mom attached. Or maybe its just hormones. Just please some one tell me this isn't just me.

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Old 06-12-2015, 06:33 PM   #2
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

I think it most definitely can be normal and I hope you can give yourself some grace. :-) ((hugs))
I had three kids in three years. None of them were planned and I did struggle with bonding with them all while I was pregnant. The one I struggled the most with was the last one. I had a tough pregnancy with my second and then a hard time adjusting to being a sahm to two very small children. Just when I was starting to feel like things were getting more normal, I found out I was pregnant again. I was so mad at dh the whole pregnancy. I think I was even hoping for a girl and we found out it was a boy.
but, as much as I wasn't happy about the timing, I can honestly say I would never ever change it. I can't imagine my life without that little guy and even though I still think I'm a little crazy for having three kids in three years, I'm glad I have them. he really completes our family so well.
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:29 PM   #3
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

Not just you. I have seen many posts like this on here. It is very normal, especially when you are busy and concerned about how this will affect your first child.
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Old 06-12-2015, 08:52 PM   #4
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

Thank you ladies, it is really comforting to read that. It makes it a little easier knowing I am not the only one. Especially when I read on here about all these people who really struggle with having children and here I am pregnant and not excited. I am really hoping though that as this pregnancy goes on I will form some bond with this little one.
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Old 06-12-2015, 09:47 PM   #5
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

Mama it took us 8 years to get our 3rd child. I was still ambivalent when I found out I was pregnant. We had stopped trying several years earlier. We weren't in a position to have another baby. Despite my strong desire for another baby I had made the adjustment to a 2 child family and moved on. What you are feeling is so very normal. I love my now 4 year old baby more than I could ever imagine. I still want just one more but suspect I would feel just as ambivalent should we ever have another. Emotions are strange and unpredictable things.
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Old 06-12-2015, 10:00 PM   #6
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

Just adding, just because someone else has the opposite issue, infertility, does not make your issues any less valid or worthy of recognition.

I have a friend that was less than thrilled when she discovered she was pregnant with her 3rd child in 2 years. Yes, despite birth control. The last one was stupid proof she said, Depo. She found out she was pregnant when she went in for her shot. Her issues are just as difficult to deal with as infertility.
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Old 06-13-2015, 02:11 AM   #7
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

I think part of it is 2nd baby and also having a little one around to distract you. I am due in November- and this was a desperately wanted pregnancy (we tried for almost 2 years- and had lots of tears and heart break along the way). While I am excited to finally be pregnant, I have found myself feeling completely underwhelmed (considering what we went through to get here), and feeling completely guilty for not being MORE over the moon with this pregnancy. Not that I am not excited, and grateful etc..but I find myself sometimes even forgetting I am pregnant (despite debilitating morning sickness), I just get busy with DS- and even though it is exciting it is not the same exciting feeling I had with my first (more of a been there done that feeling). I have a child I love to the moon and back and more, and I know I will love this one just as much- but right now it is hard imagining that, I think with your first you don't already have someone filling that spot in your heart when you are prepping for new baby.
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Old 06-13-2015, 09:21 AM   #8
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

I've felt that way more than once, especially in the beginning when you just feel fat, bloated, sick and so very tired. It's always worse if the timing was bad or something.

For me, I feel more engaged when I can feel the baby kicking, when I know the gender, when I look pregnant (not just fat), when we can pick out a name, when I can look at teeny weeny baby clothes, etc. Not wanting them at first never stopped me loving the baby as much as I love the ones we tried to conceive.
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Old 06-14-2015, 07:46 PM   #9
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Re: Feeling quilty and hoping I am not alone and this is normal for some people

This is a completely normal feeling. Everyone goes through this on some level with every pregnancy it doesn't matter if it was planned or not. It can be as simple as wondering if you can love another child as much as the ones you already have or as involved as not feeling any connection to the child through delivery. I wouldn't spend any more time worrying ,it only reenforces the idea in your mind. Bonding before birth is great but not necessary (think of adoptive and foster parents). After your baby is born is what matters, holding, feeding and caring for the baby creates the bond. Also make sure you get your iron checked. They have found mothers who are low in iron can struggle more with bonding.
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Old 06-14-2015, 08:51 PM   #10
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I think its normal. My last 2 were like in feeling for me as you described... but i got more as time went on & things like how my second daughter attached to baby brother we found out eventually. Energy was low too as i got big as well.

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