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Old 01-12-2009, 07:18 AM   #11
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.

I just really think you need to let it go, mama.

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Old 01-12-2009, 08:11 AM   #12
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

My aunts and grandma do this to me. I've made it very clear that it won't happen, at least not until DS is old enough to tell me EXACTLY what went on, and probably not even then. Luckily for me DH is on the same page. You need to talk to your DH and get him back on the same page as you. Just wanting her to stop yelling at him about it is not reason enough to leave your baby with someone you're not comfortable with. You've both had your reasons in the past for not letting her watch your DS... maybe you need to revisit those with your DH. IMO HE needs to be the one to tell her it's not happening, she is his mother.
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:16 AM   #13
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

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Originally Posted by frainfam View Post
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.

I just really think you need to let it go, mama.
I tend to agree. The first few times might be rough, but he'll grow to love that another grown up loves him. How lucky he is! My kids have two dead grandparents and the other two are 3,000 miles away.

Set some ground rules, go out for a cup of coffee at first so it won't be that long and see what happens! You are fortunate to have somebody, although they don't follow your rules, who loves her grandson and wants to spend time with him.
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Old 01-12-2009, 09:49 AM   #14
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

Could she come sleep over at your house? Could you all (you,DH and DS) sleep over at hers? That way she could spend plenty of time with him.

I would NOT leave him if I were not comfortable with that. My son's feeling and my need to make him happy trump her desire for alone time. Period.
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Old 01-12-2009, 12:17 PM   #15
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

Do you have any home projects or yard projects you need to do? If so, have MIL come over and play with DS while you do those. That way, you are there and she gets to feel like she is in charge since you are busy and not in the same room.

We don't leave DS much (except with the sitter while we work) so it's still hard for me to leave when we do get out together in the evening.
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Old 01-12-2009, 02:47 PM   #16
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

All I'm going to say is that you and my younger sister could really bond over this subject I should send her the link to this thread
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Old 01-12-2009, 03:05 PM   #17
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

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Originally Posted by frainfam View Post
I'm going to play devil's advocate here. It seems like your MIL wants to spend time with your son. He will never get used to her if he doesn't spend much time around her, kwim? I had the same issue with my MIL, and in my case, I was being really selfish. Your MIL loves your DS, and is probably confused and hurt that you won't let her spend time with him when YOU aren't there. Grandma's are meant to spoil their grandchildren. If she gives him junk food, it will not kill him. If he misses a nap, he will not die. Just make sure she knows what foods could actually hurt him, like peanut butter, and to please not give him any. If your baby wakes up and cries, or gets super upset while you're gone, then I'm sure your MIL will call you to come back.

I just really think you need to let it go, mama.
Great Post!! I totally agree.
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Old 01-12-2009, 03:06 PM   #18
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

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If she wants to visit him she can do that perfectly well at any time that is convienent for all parties. She does not need to babysit just to be able to spend time with him. You are the parents and you and dh get to choose the babysitters. Being grandma does not make her an automatic babysitter.

That said any babysitter is going to be a new person at first.
The decision on you and your dh going out to a movie and his mother watching should probably try to be kept seperate discusions if possible.
Um... definitely this!
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Old 01-12-2009, 03:13 PM   #19
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

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The thing is, that DS doesn't know her super well. She's around for holidays and family birthdays and stuff, but he's really attached to me and DH and doesn't do well with people that he isn't super close to.
first, if YOU are not ready, YOU are not ready.

Second, why doesn't she know him? Especially if she must live close by (why on else would your DH be asking to let her babysit while you went to a movie, if she doesn't live nearby)...so, if she is nearby, why do you only see her at holidays and special occassions?
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Old 01-12-2009, 03:43 PM   #20
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Re: WWYD? re: MIL babysitting

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first, if YOU are not ready, YOU are not ready.

Second, why doesn't she know him? Especially if she must live close by (why on else would your DH be asking to let her babysit while you went to a movie, if she doesn't live nearby)...so, if she is nearby, why do you only see her at holidays and special occassions?
That is just the only time she comes over. I've told everyone (meaning all of our parents) that they were welcome to come visit him over here any time they wanted. She tries to play the martyr, like we never invite her over, but this is the same woman who I had to almost beg to come to DH's 30th birthday party last week, because she said she couldn't afford to buy him a present. I was the one telling her that all we wanted and needed was for her to be there.

I agree that if she fed him some junk food here and there won't kill him, and if she messes up his naps, it won't be the end of the world. I appreciate another point of view there. It's hard to give up that control, when your entire life has revolved around carefully planning and caring for your child's every need.

As far as her raising DH and him turning out ok - sadly, she had a lot of issues, and most of his emotional and other issues stem from the time he spent with her. Most of his positive experiences were with his step mom and grandmother. I don't think there's anything that will really affect DS long term because if and when we do let her babysit and be alone with him, it won't be for long periods of time. She does tend to yell and raise her voice a lot, and if we notice that that starts happening with DS as he gets older, there will be a quick stop to her alone time with him.

I think my biggest issue still is that he just has such separation anxiety right now, I just really worry that he will wake up and cry, and I worry that she won't want to call us because she'll feel like that's admitting that she couldn't handle it.

Again, I really appreciate all the different points of view. It's hard to see that when the subject is so important to you.
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