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Old 02-09-2009, 11:42 AM   #1
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MIL Issues

So my fiance's parents are lovely people. When we first started dating we got a long fantastic. They seemed hip, fun to be around and easy going. Well - after DD I have come to the conclusion that they just haven't really grown up all that much. My DF tells me stories all the time about his childhood and how ridiculous it was. Mind you - they made it work. 3 kids in a tiny apartment for years while his dad worked 12 hour days to make ends meet. *Even though I ask myself "why have three kids back to back if you know you can't afford to give them a decent life." DF wonders sometimes if his brother is even his dads son since stories of cheating on each other are in frequent conversation these days. And the story of his "dad driving home drunk with one eye open, his mom passed out in the passenger seat and him with his two siblings in the backseat" really tops the cake. Stories like these make me very wary of them.

They live 30 minutes away from us; Are both currently unemployed (they both got laid off in the past year); and NEVER come by to see her. I'm home EVERY DAY with Kayla and the other children that I watch. DF is home on the weekends while I work at my other job. Someone is here ALL the time and yet they don't come by to see her or bother asking to come by. And yet they are getting very insistent on watching her over night. She's over one now and I'm still not completely comfortable with it. Why should I make the effort to drive all the way out there to drop her off with grandparents that don't come see her unless it is a major event/holiday? They're both collecting unemployment and are doing just fine for right now. So "no money" is "no excuse." Particularly since gas prices have gone down a lot.

DF feels the same way that I do and yet he won't talk to them about it and explain why we feel this way. I just want them to spend more time with her and get to know her more. I trust that they won't drink while she is there. But they don't know her habits - her quirks - her schedule. Is it too much for me to want them to "know her better" before shipping her off to them for the night?

My parents will take her for a week at a time and thought I do miss her - I am COMPLETELY comfortable with it! I have wonderful parents who raised us well and who were there for me through the pregnancy and after. I went down a month after having DD and spent the week there with them and visited frequently before letting her stay over night. They listen to every word I say and do exactly as I wish when it comes to how to take care of her. And THEY live 2 hours away! They see her 3 times as much as DF parents! (They didn't visit here to stay the night because we don't have a guest room.)

I'm completely thrown by this situation and I don't know how to say "i'm sorry but you don't visit enough." I just don't feel that it's MY place in particular is it should be DF's place to discuss it with them. We're not married yet and I don't feel like a daughter and I don't feel like I can talk to them in that way. I would feel more comfortable if he did it - but no - he makes excuses and refuses to cause he doesn't know how to "talk" to them either. I assume he doesn't want to make them feel bad.

I'm rambling - but I am very frustrated! They are getting on our case more and more now and my excuses won't hold up for much longer!

Any suggestions? Or am I completely wrong?

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Old 02-09-2009, 11:49 AM   #2
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Re: MIL Issues

I am in the same situation except opposite - my parents and aweful and MIL is GREAT. However - since they are MY parents, I just tell them "sorry, but it's our choice!" I don't want them to feel bad, but it is what it is - I would never compromise my sons safety to make them happy. I'm sorry you have to deal with this mama, I know how hard it can be! I wish I had more advice for you. Hang in there!
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Old 02-09-2009, 11:50 AM   #3
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Re: MIL Issues

ITA! A one year old needs to get to know the gps before being dropped off for an overnight. I also agree that your df needs to be the one to discuss it in depth with them. I would be nervous to send my los over to their house considering the previous conversations.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:02 PM   #4
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Re: MIL Issues

I don't really think that you need to justify your decision to them. You are her parents and if you aren't comfortable with her staying there, then that's that. It's your right to decide when and where your daughter stays and with whom she stays with. If it were me, I would just tell them "We just aren't comfortable with it" and leave it at that. They may get upset, but you shouldn't have to tip toe around their feelings....your daughter comes first.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:02 PM   #5
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Re: MIL Issues

Really, your DF should step up to the plate and do this. If he absolutely won't (if that's the case think about how this is going to impact your relationship with your IL's for the long haul - him not being able to 'talk' to them) come up with what you specifically want them to do before you would feel comfortable letting them have LO overnight. I.E. As soon as they've had X# of visits in a month, thoroughly understand her schedule, understand car seat safety, etc, etc you would discuss the possibility of an overnight visit.
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Old 02-09-2009, 12:08 PM   #6
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Re: MIL Issues

OH and I forgot to say this - On her first birthday - They walked in and thought another baby was her! DD was a preemie so she's super slim and lanky and this other little baby was 9 months old and "term size" (regular baby fat). Not an ounce of fat on DD's body! Not to mention that they look NOTHING alike! I couldn't believe it since it had only been a month and a half since they had seen her!
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Old 02-09-2009, 02:15 PM   #7
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Re: MIL Issues

i agree that your fiance needs to do the talking. just make sure you and he have a good talk before he talks to them. this would be good practice for when you are married
stick to your guns and don't doubt yourself. your daughter comes first.
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Old 02-10-2009, 12:25 AM   #8
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Re: MIL Issues

That's a hard one if your DF won't talk to them.

I think you're right though...she needs to know them better before they have her at their house over night.

Could you talkt o them about it and then invite them over for a play date so she can start to get used to them? Odd as it sounds...maybe they want an invitation?!?!?
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Old 02-10-2009, 04:30 AM   #9
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Re: MIL Issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2sweetboys View Post
I don't really think that you need to justify your decision to them. You are her parents and if you aren't comfortable with her staying there, then that's that. It's your right to decide when and where your daughter stays and with whom she stays with. If it were me, I would just tell them "We just aren't comfortable with it" and leave it at that. They may get upset, but you shouldn't have to tip toe around their feelings....your daughter comes first.
agreed. I would just say that "I'm not comfortable leaving her somewhere that she isn't very accustomed to. Why don't you come over for dinner on Sunday though because I'm sure she'd love to spend time with you"

or something like that
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Old 02-10-2009, 10:31 AM   #10
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Re: MIL Issues

My DH used to be the same way about talking to his family. I finally told him that either he could talk to them, or I would, and he wouldn't like how I did it. Now he talks to them, but throws me under the bus instead (DW feels...instead of WE feel). I guess that is an improvement Anyhow, I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect her to actually know them before spending the night with them. I do think "we just aren't comfortable with it" would be a good solution until your DF is willing to really talk to them. At least you wouldn't be making excuses.

FTR, I will never be comfortable with my kids staying overnight with the in-laws (they are elderly and in poor health) and I didn't let my oldest stay overnight with my family (whom I completely trust) until she was 2.5 and I was in labor with her sister.
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