OT - how do you go about separating?

[Jana315]

OK - I'm sure this is totally off topic, and I don't know where to post this, but I really do need some ideas.....

DH and I often don't get along & I'm just tired of it. It has gotten worse in the last few months and I don't have patience anymore & neither does he. I'm thinking that it is time to separate before something bad happens (turns physically abusive, etc.). This really sucks because he's a fabulous Dad (when he's not yelling at me & putting me down in front of the kids, yea...right). Anyway, I don't want to be single, but it isn't fair to the kids & oldest dd is picking up on the way he puts me down & she's starting to do it too. There is nothing worth teaching my daughter to let a man treat her the way that DH is treating me when he's in "one of his moods".

Anyway, I'm totally lost here & need ideas/support. If we didn't have a mortgage it would be a lot easier...but nothing is worth what I've been going through with DH since around Christmas.

Thanks for listening & ideas are totally appreciated.... counseling does NOT work for us - we've been doing that for years.

[KaleidoscopeEyes]

Do you have family that you can stay with until you get things figured out?

[guysmama]

Can you talk to your therapist about leaving? They might have suggestions on what your next steps need to be.

You are right our children do not need this to be their example of how a "relationship" should be.

[Jana315]

...my family is thousands of miles away...that makes it harder & I don't like to tell them too many details when we are having problems 'cause I feel that they'll just hold it against him...why do I even care....

I could call my old therapist, but she just listens & doesn't offer any idea of how to actually make it happen. Yea, I could go to a hotel or something, but then do I take the kids (bad on the kids) or leave them here (bad on the kids) or ask him to go somewhere else (I lean this way, but that's hard too)....At Christmas, I told him NOT to come home & he straightened out pretty quickly, but I don't make idle threats for drama. When I say stuff - I HAVE to mean it...or each time I say it, it becomes more meaningless if you KWIM.

[Suliah]

I think you need to tell you're husband that you're seriously thinking about the big D. Does he know? At least bring it up, so if it does come to that, it's not like it's out of the clear blue sky, kwim?

And I agree, it's a bad example, and sometimes separation is the best solution, but at least let him know it's that serious.

[Jana315]

He's not the type of guy that you can really discuss anything seriously with safely and without fear. I've got a plan now, so I'll take the kids with me tonight & we'll get out of the house.

We've been tossing the D word around for a long time & neither of us have been happy with each other (for the most part) for a long time, so it the only shocking part will be that we're not home, but I can't discuss it ahead of time with him - that just wouldn't work.

Jana

[BootyGold]

Originally Posted by Jana315 He's not the type of guy that you can really discuss anything seriously with safely and without fear. I've got a plan now, so I'll take the kids with me tonight & we'll get out of the house. We've been tossing the D word around for a long time & neither of us have been happy with each other (for the most part) for a long time, so it the only shocking part will be that we're not home, but I can't discuss it ahead of time with him - that just wouldn't work. Jana

Sounds like you're doing the right thing for you and your babies.

My thoughts will be with you

[pantufla]

What about marriage counseling? A good counselor should be able to help you make the decision to stay or go, and help you both work out the details. And that way you wouldn't have to worry for your safety -- someone else would be there while you are discussing things.

[amym107]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't really have any advise, I just wanted to tell you that I'll be thinking of you and your children.

[Jana315]

Thanks ladies. Things went pretty well and it was quite a relief to be out of an uncomfortable situation. DH & I have not spoken much, but he didn't seem to get really angry or anything - sigh of relief. Don't quite know where we will go from here, but I'm pretty happy with things for now.