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Old 02-23-2009, 10:57 PM   #1
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grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!! updated op. still looking for advice- thanks!

I am seriously ticked off right now.

My kids have started yelling at me, and backtalking. About EVERYTHING.

So, DS, 5 yr old, is in kindergarten. I can only assume that is where he has learned to speak like this, since he doesn't watch t.v. and no one else in his life does....

Frequently he will mouth off... like I say "Time to pick up toys for bed." And as soon as I am halfway across the room he will say in a really snotty voice "Certainly not." That was tonight.

Well, yesterday it was "I'm going to give you a swift kick."

Now, these may sound adult-like, but I can assure you, they're not. Unless they're from his kindergarten teacher, which I doubt. He's never heard that from us, that's for sure!

So, what he does is say these things really meanly, snottily, and then get his brother to start repeating them. Then they both run around mouthing off.... you know, just being downright disrespectful to me. Anything I say, they mouth off to. Usually DS 5.5, followed by DS 2.5, but lately DS 2.5 starts it!

So I'm fed up! No amount of talking with them about how to speak, being respectful, lengthy time outs, or even yelling at them has stopped this.

Finally tonight, I told DS 5.5 that I have had it with him being disrespectful to me. I told him that if he talks to me like that one more time, I will get the spanking spoon and spank his bottom.

(We used to spank. We stopped a few months ago. BUT- I am really really wanting this behavior to STOP NOW. It is inappropriate, embarrassing, and sets a terrible example for little brothers.)

Someone tell me not to wash this child's mouth out with soap and give him a good sound spanking!

UPDATE here due to lots of responses Well, I'm sorry to say I spanked my 2.5 year old with my hand three times last night. At ten I was tired of him continuing to get out of bed and I gave him a sharp stingy swat and he went running back. Then he did it twice more. By the third one, I had realized that I was in over my head and was just PRAYING he would not get out again, because I didn't want to have to decide whether to spank him again... but he didn't. Whew.

Also-- I totally agree with what a lot of you are saying.... no spanking in anger. I didn't do that last night, btw.

For the spanking spoon-- we used to have one, when we spanked. I don't see the difference between using a spoon and using your hand, except that the spoon is more effective (stinging rather than blunt force), and I actually think it's easier to control the force with a spoon. Either way, as long as you're not using a spoon or other tool ABUSIVELY, I see no difference between that or a hand. That said, we don't use it anymore. I don't judge those people who do, though. Some people use it and it works for them, and just as I wouldn't call using a hand child abuse I wouldn't say using a spoon carefully is, either. JMO

Thanks for the suggestions. We use time out. A lot. I have used time out for this for three weeks now. Some nights, it results in seemingly endless time outs. Like for a few hours as they keep doing things AGAIN and AGAIN, regardless. Time out doesn't put the fear of mommy in them, obviously. Also-- how do you mamas make them stay in time out if they won't sit down, or stay there? If they just keep getting up? Thanks, I appreciate all the responses!


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Last edited by MammaBx3!; 02-24-2009 at 07:36 PM. Reason: update
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:02 PM   #2
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

I'll tell you not to do it like you asked for. Mama I know what your going through but to have a 'spanking spoon'?
My father had a swat spoon he used to keep on his fridge and I hated and defied him even more for it.

It is a stage your kid is going through.. most likely learned from other kids in his class. I know it is hard to ignore but don't take it to heart and really try to keep your cool knowing that sometimes these things take time to work out. Your 5 yo needs a good talking to and maybe some type of proper punishment like going to his room, taking a fav. item away etc. But a spoon won't work mama.
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:11 PM   #3
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

I personally don't think you should wash his mouth out with soap nor spank him.
Only a question What would he learn from you doing those things? That it's ok to hurt someone who has disrespected you.

There's so many other ways of punishing than doing the soap or spanking thing. Maybe you could start taking toys away or privileges after you've warned them a couple of times.
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:12 PM   #4
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

HI, I understand the feeling of being dissrespected and it makes you crazy. I hope that you can stick to your switch to gentle parenting and don't resort back to phisical punishment. It sounds like you need to be willing to take a deep breath and have a heart to heart talk with your children about what you expect from them. If you just changed parenting tactics on them a few months back they will test you for the next year and it is up to you to have your consequenses known by them and then act on them.
So first you need to tell them that they may only respond to a request by saying "ok Mom I hear you" if they want to ask for more time or talk about waiting a bit then after they say they hear you then you will concider their request. But your word after that is final and a time out is in order next.
I feel gentle parenting should not mean -walk all over parents -but respecting one another and sticking to your fair word and following through with the consequence.
A five your old can easily understand theese simple things although he may give you many challenges until he understands you mean to keep your word.
Hugs also I have found go a long way as do showing your children that really you are sad about how they are treating you not angry.
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Old 02-23-2009, 11:56 PM   #5
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

i know exactly how you feel! My 3 yr old DD (who acts like a 6 yr old in a 1 yr old body) has been doing this stuff too! I too am trying to be more calm and explain why her behavious is unacceptable, but most days I want to tear my hair out! I'm not sure if she is just pushing me because DS has been sick a lot and she hasn't been getting enough attention or because she has spent too much time at Grandma's house (all of them as she is the only grandchild old enough to actually spend the weekend and they all want to take her...we frequently have to say "no she needs to spend time at home with us")

We also have a "spanking spoon" and I don't feel there is anything wrong with that. the bible does say to punish with thy rod. I do feel that it can be use inappropriately however. The spoon is our last resort when all the talking, time out, removal of fun things does not work. and usually just the mention of the spoon is enough to change the behavior. I don't feel that children should be spanked for any/all misbehavior...the parents that do this are the ones who tend to have more rebellion. But sometimes that attention getter is needed for kids to realize parents mean business. Especially when they don't seem to care when other consequences are used.

I guess my advice (to myself as well) is to try calmly explaining why the behavior is unacceptable, what the child needs to do instead, and lots of love!!! My DD does seem to respond better when I tell her that her actions make me sad...or happy. the negatives decrease and the positives increase....but occassionally (rarely) the spoon does need to come out
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Old 02-24-2009, 08:44 AM   #6
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

Using an object to hit a child is abuse. Sorry if that offends.

If you went out and hit someone for being mean to you with an object, you'd be arrested for assault.

But hey, its okay for kids....your own BABIES.

Another thread on this forum that just makes me so terribly sad.
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Old 02-24-2009, 08:59 AM   #7
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

Is there something else he values? Tv time, computer time, toys, early bedtime etc that can be taken away? You need to find His currency so to speak.

I remind my dd to pu her toys 3x. Then I pick them up myself and put them away (ie, she looses them).

I would sit him down and tell him he’s being a terrible influence on his brothers and it makes you red hot mad. And as a result, you’ll take away X or do Y. and follow through. It might take a bit longer but the result will stick more (IMO). And it will be GOOD modeling for the younger ones who will quickly see that if you’re not respectful, there are consequences.

this too will pass.
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Old 02-24-2009, 09:00 AM   #8
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

One of the best tools we have is perspective. The other is humor.

When all else fails, I drag out one of our dog eared copies of Mrs. Pigglewiggle. Man, could that lady get kids to behave! Even without her magical cures, her logical consequences have us rolling with laughter.

Kids know it's not real, but seeing Hubert Prentiss trapped in his room and getting a drink from a hose tied to a rake is enough to make a dent in the mess on the floor. Reading about D*ck and his selfishness gets a few grins, but the sticker on the door the next morning saying MOM'S DOORKNOB, DON'T TOUCH! hits the point home.

Take a few moments, breathe, then tackle the behavior and chip at it little by little.
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Old 02-24-2009, 09:10 AM   #9
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

It really sounds as if you could use a break, mama. I know it is HARD, but try not to take their behavior personally. They're pushing boundaries. That's what kids do. Don't let them see that it makes you angry, or they'll just keep going to get a reaction. I agree with the PPs, try some other consuquences- taking away things, going to their rooms until they can talk nice, etc. If they spend the whole day in their rooms because they're being grumpy, well, that's the way it works. Try talking about how you feel when they speak that way, and ask if they like being yelled at. I don't know what your day is like, but if you don't have a schedule (even a loose one) try it. Kids do much better when they know what to expect. Hang in there! With kindness and persistence, they'll get it.
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Old 02-24-2009, 09:29 AM   #10
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Re: grrr.... I want to SPANK my kids!!!

Ok. Here's what I would do... and believe me I've had to do it! First thing when he gets home from school you do the following...

1. Catch him right when you walk into the house and tell him that you need to have a nice talk with him about some things. Go to wherever would be a good uninterrupted place and sit down with him. Tell him exactly what you expect out of him. ie... "We have fun playing with our toys but when it's time to clean them up, it's time to clean them up. When I ask you to clean them up, the ONLY thing I want you to do is CLEAN THEM UP." The caps are not for yelling but for emphasis.

2. Tell him that if he disobeys you or is disrespectful that you will immediately remove him from the room and sit him in a 'time out'. But this time out is not supposed to be a happy little place of peace and enjoyment. It needs to be a little stool or mat... in a separate room where he is not in your presence. He needs to know that he has offended you and that he will not have the privilege of being with you until he has apologized and obeyed!!

3. After the talk is over give him a long hug and snuggle and tell him how much you love him and that you want him to be nice to you so that your home will be a nice, loving place. Then let him go play or do whatever it is that he does.

4. Then wait for the first opportunity. This is what I do... and it may seem like over kill but it is working for us and my naughty children. About 2 min. before it's time to clean up, or whatever it is that I want them to do... I go to them and say... "Ok guys... listen up. In about 1 min. I'm going to ask you very nicely to clean up your toys. When I tell you to do that you need to do it immediately and quickly. I do not want you to say anything rude or make any rude gestures (the eye rolling and sighing starts too!). Do you understand?" And then they say... "yes mommy". hehe And then you do exactly that. You wait about a minute or two and then you come back out and say... "Alright guys... it's time!" say that in a very cheerful voice. And then tell them what you want them to do. Now, hopefully your previous talk has worked and they are in a 'ready to please' mode and they hop to it. But if they don't... or if they say something mean or rude... follow through with what you told them that you would do with the time out.

I hope that helps. It's what I try and do with my kids. I don't always do it but I notice a HUGE difference when I do. Kids model your attitude... so if you keep your commands cheerful and happy and you tell them before hand what's going to happen if they disobey, then hopefully that will help.

Also it never hurts to praise them when they are being good... and tell your dh when he gets home in front of them how good they were. If you train them to WANT to please you (and it can be done!) then they will be so much happier and not rude and in a bad mood.

Last edited by ElToAnCy; 02-24-2009 at 09:31 AM.
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