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Old 03-05-2009, 10:56 PM   #1
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Need response for rude comments...

LONG and not related to multiples:

So, I read a lot on this forum for the advice mostly. I have three kids myself under 6 so my family isnt really all that large but I always love a new trick!!

My question is here since you ladies give wonderful advice on how to deal with strangers comments! My SIL and brother's newest son (5 mo now) is what I would call a high needs baby. Not special needs, just high needs. He is VERY dependant (what baby isnt??), wants to nurse ALL the time (he's growing...), needs reassurance throughout the night while sleeping in his crib even if he isnt hungry (just a few rubs will do...) and likes to have his momma in view at all times (*sweet*). Now, I know this can be tiring and my SIL is being patient with him but, she is LOSING it with the comments from relatives (including my parents) and other people about him just being "spoiled".

Im not naive enough to think that a baby doesnt learn quickly that a certain cry gets moms attention faster or fussing long enough in the saucer will get him held for a while but, I am very hesitant (even with my own babies) to believe that babies are THIS manipulative. A four or five year old screaming in the store for a toy everytime you make the trip?? Okay, a little spoiled maybe. But not a five month old!!!

(Sorry this is running on...) Question is: We want to come up with a quick response to the well-meaning family member or passerby who feels it is their right to comment on the "spoiledness" of her baby to shut them up quick without being rude. What can we say? My dad always tells her "He cries all the time because you never lay him down long enough to learn he can be happy. He is SPOILED!" And she just cant stand up to him. What does she say to this?? She feels rotten about it and the comments are hurtful.

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Old 03-06-2009, 02:02 AM   #2
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

I would be blunt and say, Back off. You had your chance to raise us/dh the way you wanted now it's our chance to raise our lo's the way we choose. Your comments hurt and they need to stop.

If she doesn't want to have hurt feelings maybe something along the lines of:
I know you love your grandbabies, but your comments hurt. We are doing the best we can. Please help us in a positive way.
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:35 AM   #3
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

People who have never had a truly high needs infant are ignorant. They just do not KNOW what it's like. And really, who asked them anyway? I've had eight children. I've had ONE super high needs baby. It was Elizabeth and she's now seven. She's FANTASTIC now. But, ugh, as a baby. Sigh.

*I* was one of those people who really believed that other's HN infants were just spoiled. I had two easy babies so I had it all figured out. Then we had Elizabeth. I'm a much more compassionate mama because of it.

Here's my .02 and I'm not sure it's even worth the two pennies! First, I'd just look at them with a very, "oh reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllly?" look on my face. Not rude, just looking at them like you are rude and really, is it your business. Then I think I'd say, "Hm.... Well thank you for the advice." And that's it. Because until you've had like 4-5 kids, you really do think you know it all about parenting.

I have said over and over when I had the first one, I suspected I knew it all. When I had the second (now a boy AND a girl, obviously I was an expert) I knew I knew it all. When we had Elizabeth (number four) I started to suspect I didn't know as much as I thought. And by number six I tried really hard NEVER to give advice unless specifically asked and even then it's prefaced by the "what WE do is..." or "what works for US is..."

Have I learned a lot? Sure I have. But mostly what I've really learned is that each child, despite the same parents, is totally unique. Mamas of 1 and 2 and even 3 and sometimes 4 truly believe it's their grand parenting skills that have made their little angels "perfect." Truth is it's probably that either A. Love is blind :P or B. They haven't had a needy one yet.

Do I believe there is an attained skill set that works? Absolutely. However, I think it's a serious misjudgement to think you can make perfect children and completely ignore their God given personalities. Do I believe in training? Absolutely.

Do I believe in high needs infants? Absolutely.

If they persisted, I think I would just say this:

"You are rude. I am glad it worked for you. I am doing what I do best as her mother. Thank you for your input but I have explained to you that we are doing what we believe to be best for our infant. You are free to do what you'd like to do best for yours. Please refrain from more input."

I would not say this rude, but people have ZERO concept of crossing the line, kwim? And sometimes you need to bring to their attention that they HAVE crossed a line and they are now behaving badly. And tell her, please, from one high needs baby mama to another, that all that love and energy you POUR into that little one will pay off. Elizabeth became my easiest, sweetest child by about 12-18 months. She was incredibly compliant and just very loveable. It was worth every single moment I poured into her. And, looking back, I'm so glad I didn't do it any other way.
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:39 AM   #4
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

I would just flatly say "it has been scientifically proven that it is absolutely impossible to spoil an infant."

and then walk away, babe in arms.
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Old 03-06-2009, 07:41 AM   #5
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

fruit and vegetables spoil children don't

what I found works for most any rude comment/question is to say "Since I am sure you did not mean to ask such a rude question (make such a rude comment) I am just going to pretend I did not hear it!"

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Old 03-14-2009, 06:33 AM   #6
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

My second baby was and still is very high needs. When people i.e. my MIL said I was spoiling him I just said that in ten years I'll be lucky if he even says hi, so I'll take what can get now. There really isn't a comeback to that!
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Old 03-15-2009, 05:09 PM   #7
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

Quote:
Originally Posted by earthmamatobe View Post
fruit and vegetables spoil children don't=

i totally agree. you can never love a baby too much to call it spoiled. that's an antiquated worldview and not even supported by toady's research. your SIL can explain that, or give out copies of What Babies Want or something along those lines.
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Old 03-16-2009, 05:37 PM   #8
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

My daughter was very high needs as an infant, colickly and all, and is now 4. She is still very mommy-centered meaning that she prefers to be in the same room with me, even if she's just playing alone. My theory on it has always been that this is a phase, and soon enough she won't want anything to do with me, so I'm going to enjoy the attention while I can. She has outgrown the need to sleep with me and now sleeps in the room with her brothers, but she still finds her way into our bed about once a week. Again, I know she will outgrow this, just as her brothers did, and I will miss her little legs kicking me when she's done needing me so much.

And just to prove my point, she just came up and asked to sit in my lap "because she loves me". It's a phase, and sometimes it's hard to have a shadow, but I'll miss it when she doesn't fit in my lap anymore.

My advice to your SIL to say to people is just that: "Yes, he's a little needy now, but I'll really miss it when he outgrows this phase, so I'm going to cherish it while it lasts." I've said that to many people about why my daughter is always with me, and it seems to help them understand why I don't fight it.
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Old 03-16-2009, 06:31 PM   #9
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

ITA with all the PP's and I'm so sorry she is dealing with this. My DD is/was very high needs and I got the same response. My DD is 9 mos now and so darned independent and it makes me a little sad, so your SIL should enjoy it and try and ignore everyone. They don't know her child and love her child the way she does, so how could they have any real insight into what is good for her baby? My and a bit more!
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Old 03-16-2009, 06:32 PM   #10
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Re: Need response for rude comments...

Good post Mama!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlsdMama View Post
People who have never had a truly high needs infant are ignorant. They just do not KNOW what it's like. And really, who asked them anyway? I've had eight children. I've had ONE super high needs baby. It was Elizabeth and she's now seven. She's FANTASTIC now. But, ugh, as a baby. Sigh.

*I* was one of those people who really believed that other's HN infants were just spoiled. I had two easy babies so I had it all figured out. Then we had Elizabeth. I'm a much more compassionate mama because of it.

Here's my .02 and I'm not sure it's even worth the two pennies! First, I'd just look at them with a very, "oh reaaaaaaaaaaalllllllly?" look on my face. Not rude, just looking at them like you are rude and really, is it your business. Then I think I'd say, "Hm.... Well thank you for the advice." And that's it. Because until you've had like 4-5 kids, you really do think you know it all about parenting.

I have said over and over when I had the first one, I suspected I knew it all. When I had the second (now a boy AND a girl, obviously I was an expert) I knew I knew it all. When we had Elizabeth (number four) I started to suspect I didn't know as much as I thought. And by number six I tried really hard NEVER to give advice unless specifically asked and even then it's prefaced by the "what WE do is..." or "what works for US is..."

Have I learned a lot? Sure I have. But mostly what I've really learned is that each child, despite the same parents, is totally unique. Mamas of 1 and 2 and even 3 and sometimes 4 truly believe it's their grand parenting skills that have made their little angels "perfect." Truth is it's probably that either A. Love is blind :P or B. They haven't had a needy one yet.

Do I believe there is an attained skill set that works? Absolutely. However, I think it's a serious misjudgement to think you can make perfect children and completely ignore their God given personalities. Do I believe in training? Absolutely.

Do I believe in high needs infants? Absolutely.

If they persisted, I think I would just say this:

"You are rude. I am glad it worked for you. I am doing what I do best as her mother. Thank you for your input but I have explained to you that we are doing what we believe to be best for our infant. You are free to do what you'd like to do best for yours. Please refrain from more input."

I would not say this rude, but people have ZERO concept of crossing the line, kwim? And sometimes you need to bring to their attention that they HAVE crossed a line and they are now behaving badly. And tell her, please, from one high needs baby mama to another, that all that love and energy you POUR into that little one will pay off. Elizabeth became my easiest, sweetest child by about 12-18 months. She was incredibly compliant and just very loveable. It was worth every single moment I poured into her. And, looking back, I'm so glad I didn't do it any other way.
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