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Old 04-01-2009, 06:51 PM   #11
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

I'm concerned that you say you sit at the computer all day just to keep your BF's son from it? Who is watching the younger kids? And you say your 2 year old is 'so bad'?

It does sound like you are a little more judgmental of the boy - I mean, what 12 year old boy doesn't drink a liter of soda a day if given the chance?

I agree it's a crummy situation for you if you and your BF are having problems, but I'm not sure he's entirely to blame

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Old 04-01-2009, 07:09 PM   #12
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

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Originally Posted by Rosella View Post
I'm concerned that you say you sit at the computer all day just to keep your BF's son from it? Who is watching the younger kids? And you say your 2 year old is 'so bad'?

It does sound like you are a little more judgmental of the boy - I mean, what 12 year old boy doesn't drink a liter of soda a day if given the chance?

I agree it's a crummy situation for you if you and your BF are having problems, but I'm not sure he's entirely to blame
ITA, also the fact that she bought *her son a new game boy and *his son a used one was a little wrong IMO. Yeah, kids do break things. That doesn't mean you should never buy them anything again. I reread the OP and it really is distressing and I feel sorry for the little guy.
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Old 04-01-2009, 08:55 PM   #13
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

I think both of you need to have a serious talk about how to raise your children, yes this includes your SS. There is no way he should be allowed to be up all night on the computer and it is very odd that you have to be on the computer all day just so he will not be on it. I'm not trying to be rude and I know I am probably coming across that way but honestly no parent should be on a computer all day long. Take the cord from the computer so that he cannot plug it in. Problem solved.

I also think you have a lot of resentment towards this child, and though he may frustrate you to no end, it is imperitive that you fix what is going on. It is not fair to you to have to handle the children all by yourself but you are the adult and you need to find a way to get your BF to understand the situation. It is REALLY not fair for your SS if he feels the animosity that I picked up on in your initial post. He is a child and needs guidance and if his father is not going to do it then you have to. If his father doesn't like it to bad. Sorry but you two are together so you are a parent here and responsible for this childs upbringing as well. kwim? Instead of being in the house when he is over try taking all the children to a park or somewhere in the area that would be interesting to everyone.

Family meeting with your BF and then one with the two of you and your SS is in order. I would make sure to ask him how he feels when he is with you guys and listen to his responses. Make sure he knows that he is loved but that things are not working out the way it has been and that you all needed to work together to makes things better. Talk to him about his need to be on the computer all the time etc etc. Be nice.. be motherly and show some concern for him. It's not easy being a stepchild (nor a stepmother I know).
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Old 04-01-2009, 10:48 PM   #14
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

It seems to me that you are resisting creating a "family" with your boyfriend. After three years and two children, I do not understand why you separate between "his son", "your child from another man", and "your kids together". Either they are all your children or they are not. And if they are not, then what are you doing???? You chose this man, for yourself and for your children. It would seem you need to be on the same page. Talk to him. Be reasonable, and willing to compromise.
It sounds like you have some valid complaints, but it also seems you are pretty harsh on his son.

And the computer? Just set limits. And if they aren't followed put a lock on the thing so he can't get on. That's easy. By the way, if your two year old is getting into things, where are you? I also have a two year old that gets into stuff, but when I am not watching him I'm with one of the other very young kids we have. I sometimes get frustrated that he can't be on his own for TWO seconds, but I also know that I can't sit on the computer all day.

It sounds to me like you BF needs a job. And you need to start actually bonding with his son. Caring for him. Mothering him. Just do it-- don't ask for permission. Just be his mother when he's at your home. You might find this solves the problem.

But that boy probably knows how much you like him and what you think of him, and until you get past that he is not going to respect or bond with you.
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Old 04-02-2009, 08:08 AM   #15
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

I would set up a meeting with bf and then a family meeting. Set rules and routine for EVERYONE. Set a cp limit for EVERYONE. If you buy junk food and drinks for treats then lock them up and only hand them out at special times.

A teen will drink a 2 liter. A 12 year old will get into things and has to be taught how to care for stuff. . .I teach them all day and they don't respect stuff. They don't understand money, they do understand love, voice tone etc. The only thing that works for my students is praise. It changes behavoir a lot more than criticism.
If step-ds is overweight go out and do more stuff even if he whines! It'll be good for everyone! It'll even help your 2 year old. Take walks and talk about his goals and what he likes besides the cp. Ask him about school and what he likes or hates. Don't get frusterated when he wont talk, it's normal for pre teens. Go to museums and open him up to new experiences. It sounds like this kid really needs love that is more than just allowing him to do anything or getting mad when he does things that are wrong.
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Old 04-02-2009, 09:20 PM   #16
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

First, I think the OP was telling us which kids have which parents just so we can understand, I hope it isn't like that IRL after 3 years, just some background info.

Second, I agree with pretty much everything. We love our family walks! I'd go for that now that it is warming up. In honor of Earth hour last week and upcoming Earth day we have been taking a trash bag with us and picking up any trash we see along the way. That way it isn't just a boring walk for a teen, he will have something to do. My kids (2 and 4 yo boys) are always into things and breaking things. Maybe you could use the one finger rule with your little one. They can touch anything they want but only with one finger. We have started doing this with my son and he is really doing great with it, especially at stores and other people's homes. About this child staying up all night, I have to ask, does he have a bed to sleep in there or does he crash out on the couch?
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Old 04-02-2009, 09:41 PM   #17
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

My DH and I had two 14 yr old foster sons when we were first married and so i understand the whole "computer and not wanting to do anything else" thing! One of our foster sons was JUST like this! My suggestion is this
1. Limit the computer to 2 hours (or pick a time limit) We did this with a computer program that shut him off after his time was up. This worked well and we didnt have to nag!
As far as teens braking things I REALLY understand that too! i have no suggestions for this really I just know how it feels to buy them something and then they dont take care of it. I do think more responisbilies around the house might teach responsibility in general (like chores or doing dishes) Something that is HIS job every time he is there.
As for your BF...I dont think you can really control how he reacts to his son but I dont think you should have to do it all either. Maybe you could make some rules and ask BF if the rules seem reasonable to him then ask your boyfriend if he will help you enforce it.
I think your boyfriend really HAS to help in order for it to work the best! If he is not good at making the rules he should at least be willing to help you to enforce the rules. I think that this can be done in kindness though. Maybe your BF would help more if you can both make rules and enforce them positivley by rewarding good behavior instead of just punishing bad behavior. That way its a positive parenting style instead of negative or passive.
Good luck Mama! I feel your pain!
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Old 04-03-2009, 06:24 AM   #18
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

Instead of sitting on the puter so he can't why don't you do something with the boy? Ask him to play catch, go swimming play outside with you and your other kids. Why sit at the puter your just making it a game for him. Honestly you sound like my step father. Yep he cared so much and called lazy even though I did everything around the house and cooked all meals, he ran both my mothers kids off and she is somewhere in flordia.

Listen he is a kid you two need to sit and set the rules and who will discipline the child. and when he is in your home you need to treat him fair end of story. You sound like you don't like this child and really don't want him in your home. Oh and if you don't like your BF parenting style shouldn't you have thought about that before you had children with him?
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:04 AM   #19
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

I think the explanation of who was who wasn't because there is some major division, just giving background. She didn't call him her step son because she's not married to his dad. But to the OP, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I know for the most part you are mad and just venting. It sounded like you've just had it all around with taking all of the responsibility in the house. My advice is a little different. Tell your boyfriend that if he doesn't like how you discipline his son then he better start doing it himself because someone has to give the child guidance. And if he breaks something, don't replace it. You don't take care of it, you don't have it anymore. That's how it works in the real world and that's what I teach my kids (my DD is 16). You want another one, earn some money and buy it yourself. Maybe then you'll take care of it. Teens are a little different than toddlers and so is the approach. Forget about the soda. Food is to be eaten. Teens eat junk. If you are mad that its gone keep an ample supply at all times or buy a brand he hates. Good luck mama. I know its frustrating.
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Old 04-03-2009, 07:48 AM   #20
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Re: Sick of boyfriend thinking I'm picking on his son!

My suggestion.. Maybe move the computer into your room. That way, permission is needed to get on it & will keep you from sitting there all day & keep him from just waiting to get on it. Also, my rule with food is - if it cannot be shared or "trusted" in the house - it shouldn't be there. Maybe instead of pop, water & low sugar juices, or maybe invest in a juicer or blender & make some home made stuff - you can even freeze it into popsicles, DD LOVESSSSS them!

Maybe you all could go to the park? Or you can look into getting him enrolled in sports or other fun activities?

I agree with everyone else that you & your BF should have VERY SERIOUS talk.

I wish you the best, I know you're going to get A LOT of honesty here, but trust me - we're all parents & we all want the best for ANY child!
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