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Old 06-17-2009, 09:23 AM   #11
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Re: **Please Give Me Advice!** How to Discipline a 2YR Old?

Wow LilyGrace! Your post really was an amazing example of a good parent! I've often found myself in awe of your responses to people. Thank you so much for taking the time and writing something helpful Sometimes I feel so lost in this parenting game but that post just really confirmed my strategy for parenting so far. I often get the 'wow you should just spank her' response from my family I don't see how that will help with any behavior problems were having. ... I hit you but you don't hit me???? Yeah like a 2 yr old will do that. I often find her doing the same things as me. She notices everything!! I put my hands on my hips and she does too. I squeeze her arm in a store to listen to me and she does it later that day when she's upset. I really got the 'ahhh haaa' moment with your post! I MUST LEAD BY EXAMPLE with this one. My DS was so very different. Ashlyn is a different story so I've got to always be on guard to what I'm showing her.
I took a class with DS when he was little on proper discipline and the meaning... most of what you said lined up with that. I'm going to go find my notes on that class.
Thank you again for your wonderful impute. Oh and I would love to read your friends tantrum paper if you ever find it

Oh and I'm also totally jealous that you live on Nim's Island! Beautiful place


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Old 06-17-2009, 10:01 AM   #12
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Re: **Please Give Me Advice!** How to Discipline a 2YR Old?

It's easier when you've been through it at least once. And when you're not dealing with the daily stress of a child that seems to thwart you at every turn.
Left DS because of lack of virus control.
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Old 06-17-2009, 10:45 AM   #13
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Re: **Please Give Me Advice!** How to Discipline a 2YR Old?

I completely agree with liligirl's post, reading it also reminded me of things I've read, but seem to loose track of in the heat of the moment. It always seems to come flooding back after and I think oh crap, I should have said this or done this instead, but I figure as long as I can reflect on a situation and try to change myself for the next time, we're making progress.
I also wanted to suggest "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" its been very helpful on changing the way I deal with situations and understanding my child.
I use feelings a lot with my dd, she'll hit me in the grocery store, and instead of saying NO, I say hitting mommy hurts, it makes me very sad. I don't place the blame directly on her, but relate and effect to an action. 9 out of 10 times she'll hug me or kiss me. Then I say, I know its hard to wait, youve been very patient, we'll be leaving very soon. I've found taking the time to stop, talk with her about a situation, and get a clear response/ acknowledgment from her, we usually don't have an issue for at least another 10 minutes or so I've often found that by taking something away or involving my own frustration into the situation/ when I place blame on her, it seems to always escalate the situation. DD's only 2 so I'm still new at this though
Just remember, every parent has been there at least once.
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When you live your life with an appreciation of coincidences and their meanings, you connect with the underlying field of infinite possibilities.-Deepak Chopra
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Old 06-17-2009, 11:00 AM   #14
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Re: **Please Give Me Advice!** How to Discipline a 2YR Old?

ITA with LilyGrace. My DS (20mos) is just like the OP's. He's a joy but when he's upset, he hits, screams, throws, bangs, etc. Discipline and punishment as we've been taught does not work at this age. They don't get it. I tried it. He loved time out! Taking things away teaches him to take it quicker and hide it. If he doesn't want to be some place, why stay? Next time we plan for these things. Make sure he has good momma time to start every morning.

I've totally changed my view of what is "bad" or "good" and how to organize my day. You're not battling, so it's still as efficient. It doesn't mean you don't have structure or limits, just that you're not trying to force the child into a mold. It's not spoiling either. People will look at your cross-eyed of course and assume any "bad" behavior is a result of your parenting.

My best example now is when he steals something from DH's nightstand. It's much more satisfying to hold his hand with the mouthguard case, explain it belongs to daddy and show him how to gently place it back in the drawer. It's way better than punishing, yelling, and frustration when he does it over and over. The same for stealing another kids sippy, smacking the cat, throwing the food, etc.

I think some kids are easily molded by traditional methods. But some of our children will let you punish and discipline until you are exhausted and they'll still keep doing it. Why fight the battle?

I just had a friend today (pregnant with #1) tell me how to get my child behave. I wanted to say "sure! I'll leave him with you this week and you can return him when he behaves perfectly. good luck with that!"
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Old 06-17-2009, 11:22 AM   #15
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Re: **Please Give Me Advice!** How to Discipline a 2YR Old?

I have to say with my son (who is now 6) he was the same way at 2.5 but his behavioral issues were made worse by the fact that we were dealing with a nasty divorce at the time and he had to cope with being shunted back and forth across states for custody on a bi-weekly basis. When he was too upset to talk to (which happened quite often) I found the only way to make him not focus on the 'end' of the time-out period was I didn't tell him how long he'd be there. I actually had to give him time out in the corner of his closet (I know that sounds bad) because otherwise he always found a way to get distracted. His closet was really open and had space so he wasn't shoved tightly against anything, just standing where he couldn't see anything. Once he'd calmed down I'd go talk to him. I'd start by asking him what he did wrong, and he'd tell me with his voice still whiny usually, then I'd ask him how he thought he'd feel if I did that to him/his toy, etc. The first few times he just stared at me but then he started getting it and he'd go "really bad". Then rather than telling him to say sorry I'd ask him if he had anything to say to me, and let him get to the sorry on his own. This seemed to work really well when combined with our visual discipline system (this is complicated).

Just in case anyone wants to hear it my multi-step discipline system is made up of a 'smiley/frownie chart' and a 'points chart'. For actual rules around the house (do your chores, pick up your toys, etc etc) if they are broken he gets part of a frownie. Frownies and smileys are broken into 3 parts, circle, eyes, and mouth (mouth last). For each part of a frownie he loses a toy, for each full he loses a favorite or larger toy/game. If he has more frownies than smileys he'll lose privileges (tv time, video games, trains, etc). He has to do extra stuff above and beyond his normal responsibilities to earn smileys. Basically he has to help me and make things easier for me, then he gets smileys. For each part he gets a toy back, reverse rules of frownies. THEN at the end of the week he gets paid based on how many smiley or frownies he has (I don't do allowance). If he has more smiley that means he did extra stuff around the house and earns money for each complete smiley, at 2/3 it was a penny, at 4 a nickle, at 5 a dime, at 6 a quarter (it'll start going up slower now).

Then the points chart. At the beginning of every week we start off the week with 100 points given to every member of the family, my son gets a 'handicap' and starts with 120 points. Every time we're mean in any way to another family member, it can be little things, we lose 5 points. Every time we're extra nice that family member can give us 5 points. At the end of the week the family member with the most points gets to choose the weekend family activity (game, etc). It's really cool and encourages my son to be nice without making it a punishment thing. He's not getting PAID for being nice, just getting a bit more say in what happens in the house.

This has worked really well for me because it wasn't long after we started that I'd look at my son and say "do you want part of a frownie?" and that would stop him 100 times better than saying "don't do that". It may not be for everyone, but it works for us.
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