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Old 06-22-2009, 11:11 PM   #11
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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Ok, so I'll probably feel some heat for this, but just let them cry. It's not going to kill them for you to out of sight for 2mins. I went through this with my neices (twins also, just FYI). I would spend forever trying to redirect or reassure them, that I could have peed, made lunch and done a load of laundry. It broke my heart but I started letting them just fuss when I left the room. They never died, got hurt or anything else bad. Just some runny noses from crying. Eventually they outgrew the phase or learned that I wasn't abandoning them and would just keep playing till I got back. I think you run more risks trying to get 2 17m olds up/down stair and keeping them out of anything hazardous in the kitchen/bathroom.
I have to say, I agree with this. I have twins, although, I don't think that really has anything to do with it. Anyway, the girl does this, but the boy doesn't. Sometimes, I have to leave her in her playroom so I can go to the bathroom or whatever like you are saying. She cries. She's no worse for the wear. She still loves me when I come back 30 seconds (or a few minutes) later. I'm assuming it's a phase and she's going to get over it...soon...please. I agree it's not always possible or safe to take them with you, especially with 2 at once.

The only other thing I can think of is to ask their mom what she does when they do this and go with that. It's pretty likely, she just lets them cry for a couple minutes. I hope this phase is short lived for you.

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Old 06-23-2009, 04:53 AM   #12
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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I have to say, I agree with this. I have twins, although, I don't think that really has anything to do with it. Anyway, the girl does this, but the boy doesn't. Sometimes, I have to leave her in her playroom so I can go to the bathroom or whatever like you are saying. She cries. She's no worse for the wear. She still loves me when I come back 30 seconds (or a few minutes) later. I'm assuming it's a phase and she's going to get over it...soon...please. I agree it's not always possible or safe to take them with you, especially with 2 at once.

The only other thing I can think of is to ask their mom what she does when they do this and go with that. It's pretty likely, she just lets them cry for a couple minutes. I hope this phase is short lived for you.
Yup. I was going to say let them cry it out too. Honestly, it will help them build character. (and I'm not just saying that) They need to learn for themselves that a 2 minute leave isn't devasting and after time they'll figure out that you always come back. I also like the idea of asking their mom what she does, but depending on what the answer is, you may need to take it with a grain of salt.
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Old 06-23-2009, 05:06 AM   #13
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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Yup. I was going to say let them cry it out too. Honestly, it will help them build character. (and I'm not just saying that) They need to learn for themselves that a 2 minute leave isn't devasting and after time they'll figure out that you always come back. I also like the idea of asking their mom what she does, but depending on what the answer is, you may need to take it with a grain of salt.
And I might get flack for this but "it builds character" to let a frightened child cry? You do realize that [depending on age] some probably do not even have the abstract thought yet to truly understand and realize why the caregiver that they trust is leaving or gone.

Sure it may be only a minute or two to us, but it can seem like a lifetime to a child. I have VIVID memories of my mother dropping me off at daycare when I was just 2 and I would cry because I thought she wasn't coming back. It was as simple as that. I did not/could not think beyond that. I didn't have the capability.

The OP practices a more AP type lifestyle with her own children so I see why she has asked the question. To just let them cry with no explaining or approach is a difficult option that many AP'ers can not embrace even if it is not our own children.
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Old 06-23-2009, 08:08 AM   #14
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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And I might get flack for this but "it builds character" to let a frightened child cry? You do realize that [depending on age] some probably do not even have the abstract thought yet to truly understand and realize why the caregiver that they trust is leaving or gone.

Sure it may be only a minute or two to us, but it can seem like a lifetime to a child. I have VIVID memories of my mother dropping me off at daycare when I was just 2 and I would cry because I thought she wasn't coming back. It was as simple as that. I did not/could not think beyond that. I didn't have the capability.

The OP practices a more AP type lifestyle with her own children so I see why she has asked the question. To just let them cry with no explaining or approach is a difficult option that many AP'ers can not embrace even if it is not our own children.
They may not understand why she's leaving, but how are they going to learn she is coming back if she/their parents never leave for even a minute? I'm sure the memory of crying because your mom dropped you off at daycare is unpleasant, but I'm willing to bet you didn't cry for long. There are only 2 ways to gain the capability to understand that someone will come back if they leave the room is 1. they actually leave the room and 2. they come back. I understand that this is a hard thing for the OP to do, given her parenting style, but it's not easy on any parent. We aren't suggesting she not explain why she's leaving, just that it's safer to let them cry. Several people even suggested she sing or talk to them so they know where she is and hasn't disappeared.
While I can understand your point of view on the issue, I think it's a little high handed to criticize someone else's suggestions while offering none of your own. I'm more than willing to take any heat for my POV, and I'd call this IRL just as I have here.
OP, sorry for hijacking your thread.

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I have to say, I agree with this. I have twins, although, I don't think that really has anything to do with it. Anyway, the girl does this, but the boy doesn't. Sometimes, I have to leave her in her playroom so I can go to the bathroom or whatever like you are saying. She cries. She's no worse for the wear. She still loves me when I come back 30 seconds (or a few minutes) later. I'm assuming it's a phase and she's going to get over it...soon...please. I agree it's not always possible or safe to take them with you, especially with 2 at once.

The only other thing I can think of is to ask their mom what she does when they do this and go with that. It's pretty likely, she just lets them cry for a couple minutes. I hope this phase is short lived for you.
I didn't mean to imply it's a twin thing, just that my nieces are also twins. I could relate to the OP in that respect. Honestly, all babes go through this phase at one point or another, whether singletons, twins, etc.
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Old 06-23-2009, 08:13 AM   #15
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

Children that young don't have the concept of object permanence down pat (even if you can't see something, it still exists). That's why young kiddos get such a kick out of peek a boo. So when you, or their mother, leave the room to go do something the children think you are truly GONE and it scares them because they obviously don't want you to be gone. I would play peek a boo with them a bit throughout the day to help build up their object permanence. This way they will eventually come to realize that even if they can't see you, you still do exist. Also, do you tell them "I'll be right back, I just have to go to the bathroom/kitchen/etc?" They may not be able to fully understand you, but you will eventually condition them to know that you will come back when you say, "I'll be right back."
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Old 06-23-2009, 08:17 AM   #16
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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They may not understand why she's leaving, but how are they going to learn she is coming back if she/their parents never leave for even a minute? I'm sure the memory of crying because your mom dropped you off at daycare is unpleasant, but I'm willing to bet you didn't cry for long. There are only 2 ways to gain the capability to understand that someone will come back if they leave the room is 1. they actually leave the room and 2. they come back. I understand that this is a hard thing for the OP to do, given her parenting style, but it's not easy on any parent. We aren't suggesting she not explain why she's leaving, just that it's safer to let them cry. Several people even suggested she sing or talk to them so they know where she is and hasn't disappeared.
While I can understand your point of view on the issue, I think it's a little high handed to criticize someone else's suggestions while offering none of your own. I'm more than willing to take any heat for my POV, and I'd call this IRL just as I have here.
OP, sorry for hijacking your thread.



I didn't mean to imply it's a twin thing, just that my nieces are also twins. I could relate to the OP in that respect. Honestly, all babes go through this phase at one point or another, whether singletons, twins, etc.
I was reflecting more on the "it builds character" comment, which IMO is just silly. But it's just my opinion. Some may think that is high handed, but that's their opinion and doesn't bother me

I don't really know the layout of her home so I don't know if she can actually see the children from where she is at. I can in my home. [Does that make sense?] I would personally suggest taking them with her a few times to show what she is doing. Then do it without them, but talking the whole time so they can hear her [for awhile], just to get them acquainted with the routine.

And as far as my own experience. I cried for quite awhile according to the workers for several weeks. I specifically remember one of the workers staying with me and taking me to another room and helping me to cope. [She was very AP actually coming to think of it! ]

After many weeks of working with me I was finally able to start grasping the concept. But really didn't fully understand that mommy would be back until I hit around 4 or 5 years old.
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Old 06-23-2009, 09:38 AM   #17
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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I was reflecting more on the "it builds character" comment, which IMO is just silly. But it's just my opinion. Some may think that is high handed, but that's their opinion and doesn't bother me

I don't really know the layout of her home so I don't know if she can actually see the children from where she is at. I can in my home. [Does that make sense?] I would personally suggest taking them with her a few times to show what she is doing. Then do it without them, but talking the whole time so they can hear her [for awhile], just to get them acquainted with the routine.

And as far as my own experience. I cried for quite awhile according to the workers for several weeks. I specifically remember one of the workers staying with me and taking me to another room and helping me to cope. [She was very AP actually coming to think of it! ]

After many weeks of working with me I was finally able to start grasping the concept. But really didn't fully understand that mommy would be back until I hit around 4 or 5 years old.

But the OP is talking 2 minutes, not hours! and I wasn't saying to leave without any other calming or reassurance. I just quoted what others were saying and built on it. Obviously communicating with the children is going to be key... I was just saying that it's okay for the children to cry for the two minutes, especially when those little blurps will be spread through the day giving them multiple opportunities to learn that she will come back quickly. It totally sucks and breaks your heart to hear LOs cry (at least it does break my heart) but the earlier they get used to the idea, the easier it is later in life. Some children are born pretty independant, and some children have to learn independance. I was one that had to learn it, so was my ODS. My YDS, luckily, is okay with the idea! :whew:
Some lessons aren't fun or easy, but they still need to be taught. I think that the one to two minute moments are probably the perfect length, as long as the children are in a safe place. Anything longer and I'd say that you would need to figure out another method.
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Old 06-23-2009, 11:57 AM   #18
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

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But the OP is talking 2 minutes, not hours! and I wasn't saying to leave without any other calming or reassurance. I just quoted what others were saying and built on it. Obviously communicating with the children is going to be key... I was just saying that it's okay for the children to cry for the two minutes, especially when those little blurps will be spread through the day giving them multiple opportunities to learn that she will come back quickly. It totally sucks and breaks your heart to hear LOs cry (at least it does break my heart) but the earlier they get used to the idea, the easier it is later in life. Some children are born pretty independant, and some children have to learn independance. I was one that had to learn it, so was my ODS. My YDS, luckily, is okay with the idea! :whew:
Some lessons aren't fun or easy, but they still need to be taught. I think that the one to two minute moments are probably the perfect length, as long as the children are in a safe place. Anything longer and I'd say that you would need to figure out another method.
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I know your not arguing You explained your point great!
It's an agree to disagree thing I think [not so much on the crying] I just don't personally believe in pushing children into independence too soon. JMO though
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Old 06-23-2009, 12:46 PM   #19
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

Of course I don't have my eyes on MY children at all times. But these aren't the OP's children. Here in my state home day care providers must have a way to view the children at all times. So in this case, with the children down stairs and the kitchen upstairs the OP can't possibly be keeping her eyes on the children at all times. Here providers use cameras that are like cheaper surveillance cameras. This way they can run up the stairs to grab lunch or be upstairs during naptime and still see the kiddos.

The fact is that when other peoples children are involved we have to treat the situation differently that we would if it were just our own. The 17 month old twins may start out crying because she is leaving, but then could injure themselves and be crying for a totally different reason. If you can't see them you don't know.

Usually I have a VERY relaxed parenting style, and I have no issues with letting my 20 month old play in another room without me watching her every second. But if I have other peoples children in my home, then the standards are different.

Again I sympathize with your situation, I know what a pain a split-foyer layout can be, and I also know that you don't necessarily want a bunch of children running around your upstairs area. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I'm sure you'll find one that works!

BTW, it this were an actual daycare CENTER, and we found out that the only caregiver had left the room to go to the bathroom, or get food and left the children unattended (even for a few minutes) we'd be up in arms about how careless/neglectful that is. Wouldn't we???
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Old 06-23-2009, 12:55 PM   #20
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Re: DC mamas! What do you suggest for crying kiddos when you leave the room?

So if I get cheap cameras, they will stop crying when I leave the room?
I guess I don't see your point.
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