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Old 01-05-2007, 08:08 PM   #11
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Re: ppd support thread

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it is embarassing and shameful to me to post this. I don't deserve any help cuz I brought it all on myself anyway.
Oh, you poor thing. I can relate to a lot in your post. I made a very bad mistake myself several years ago, and it took a long time to build up my life and my self-esteem, but I really do have a good life and support system now (although it's sometimes hard to remember these days). I hope you find a way to get help and believe in yourself. You clearly care about your kids and are doing everything you can, that makes you a good person in my boat! No one is perfect, don't count yourself out for one mistake.

I had panic attacks after my first son was born, too, and really didn't want medication - I ended up seeing a hypnotherapist for a while. I thought it would be hokey but it really helped, and I haven't had any since. I still do the calming exercises sometimes when I'm feeling anxious or have insomnia. I also do stuff from an old hypnobirthing CD sometimes to calm down (although it didn't actually help me in labor ).

Sorry to ramble on so much, I'll be thinking of you!

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Old 01-05-2007, 08:18 PM   #12
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Re: ppd support thread

I am another mama who has dealt with PPD in the past. Right now it seems to be better than it was, and after DD #2 I didn't deal with it at all, but it always seems to be in the back of my head, knowing that it can come up at any time...

I had it pretty bad after my first daughter was born but wasn't diagnosed until she was 7 months old, and then got pg at 8 months. I was on Prozac fo three months and took myself off, but was fine. I had number two and didn't have any issues, thank goodness. Now I am dealing with it again, to a more minor extent though. I am thinking of calling in a refill for my Prozac to see if that helps, a really low dose.

to all the other PPD mamas.... thank goodness it's becoming more accepted to talk about having this!
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Old 01-05-2007, 08:52 PM   #13
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Re: ppd support thread

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Originally Posted by ravenonyx View Post
it is embarassing and shameful to me to post this. I don't deserve any help cuz I brought it all on myself anyway.
Wow, I swear I could have posted half of that myself. However for me, I suffer in silence. I *seem* too happy to have anything wrong with me, even though I have known since the day ds was born I had PPD, at least a mild case anyway. Another kicker is that I don't have ins. and certainly don't have the money to see a doc. I just keep hoping one day I will wake up and all my anger, stress, anxiety, etc will be gone. No such luck as of yet.
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Old 01-05-2007, 09:01 PM   #14
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Re: ppd support thread

Thank you, everyone. It is a relief to be able to talk about it somewhere even if it is hard to do so.

I think things are harder then "normal" for me right now because dd is weaning (not by plan, she's just not asking to nurse but every 2 days or so). hormone hell maybe?
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Old 01-06-2007, 12:13 AM   #15
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Re: ppd support thread

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it is embarassing and shameful to me to post this. I don't deserve any help cuz I brought it all on myself anyway.
Big mama....I can totally relate and I don't think anyone could of done much worse then I did, but it doesn't make you a bad person by any means and your for sure didn't bring it all on yourself.

I have had issues with depression/anxiety since middle school. Had an eating disorder (almost died from it), tried to commit suicide more then once, was in and out of the psych unit/treatment centers for eating disorders for quite sometime. Amazing I am still alive and actually fully recovered from the eating disorder with no major health problems now and have a child!! I use to live in shame that I had done that/been through that but no longer do....I am very open about it and that has helped me heal.....it sure can't take away all the hurt I did to my loved ones, but it helps. It also helps others to know they are not alone.

When I got pregnant with ds I was on a few different meds went off all of them and also totally quit doing eating disorder related habits....after I had him I went in silence for a long time. DS was very colicky, had reflux, food allergy, trouble bfing....yeah it was tough even if I wasn't having my own issues. Finally when he was about 8 months old I hit a breaking point where I knew I needed help it was more stressing/anxiety etc and I went on meds and then took myself off b/c I didn't think I needed them.

In September my dad committed suicide which was totally unexpected and my mom took it very hard and ended up in the hospital herself.....soo it hasn't been easy and some days it's a chore for me to get out of bed get dressed and live. I know I need the medicine and so I make myself take it and I really do think it helps. What has helped most was quitting babysitting (only had 5 kids) but it was just too much for me to handle and I about lost it. With the help of meds and my mom getting better I am making it....I am kind of trying to except the fact that I may need to be on one pill for the rest of my life and it's okay......sure beats what happened to my dad b/c he didn't ask for help or let anyone know he was suffering

Love to have a support thread and big to all of you.....if anyone ever needs to talk I have been through it all and I'd be more then happy to talk to anyone.
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Old 01-06-2007, 12:37 AM   #16
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Re: ppd support thread

Big ! I'm so glad this thread has been started.

My PPD came to a climax around 7 months. But, I was ready to break for many months before that. Today, now that my dd is over 1 year old, I really see an end in sight and know that PPD does end. But it has taken me A LOT to get here.

I finally started meds, and I can just kick myself for not starting sooner! My goal now is to try to wean off and start a homeopathic attempt to reduce my anxiety/depression. BUT, if it doesn't work - I will go back on my medicine...life hasn't been perfect - but a whole lot more manageable.

Before the medicine - I had so much rage and fury and anxiety. Cried all the time (of course, no one saw...I stayed very private about it). Everything came on SO fast, I never had warning to prepare myself or cope with the rage/anger etc. And with the meds, while I still have episodes - I can see them coming and can actually use my life skills to get through them. I just need that help.

I also had repeatitive thoughts. I still struggle with this. As simple as repeating a conversation with a friend from the day before, in my head like a damned tape recorder..to the VERY scary thoughts of my dd being harmed. These thoughts came a lot and scared me and I was humiliated/mortified that the visions even came into my mind. I wasn't afraid I would do anything - but completely ashamed I even had the mentality to think them. And, I constantly thought about my m/c baby boy and the day I found out he had died and the surgery...everyday - all the time. And, the traumatic after birth experience I had with my dd (bled too much b/c placenta wouldn't come out and then 2 weeks later I bled out at home...an ambulance ride, 6 units of blood through a central line and two surgeries later - I barely survived) - thought about that everyday, especially when falling asleep.

Finally, I found www.babybluesconnection.org and was fortunate enough to have a IRL support group in my town. Saying some of my thoughts out loud and sharing/hearing that others had extremely similiar stories of PPD gave me back some of the control I had lost in my life.

Thanks for the venue to start sharing how our day is and our background and just a SAFE place to vent. I'm always up for a PM if anyone needs some more talk time.
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Old 01-06-2007, 10:05 AM   #17
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Re: ppd support thread

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I was on zoloft through my third trimester and then after birth. My pregnancy was very complicated, I was on bedrest, and it was surrounded by a horrible situation where I lost a loved one and my entire support systems because I did something really bad. I lost all of my online support systems as well for the same reason.

In two years time (dd is 15 months old now) I have not gotten any new irl friends and am pretty much a hermit. I am really scared to leave the house, thinking people are looking at me, and I get really bad panic attacks.

I get so mad at the kids. It's hard to drag myself out of bed, off the computer.. to "do" anything or be involved in anything. I just want to sleep or be left alone. I am still convinced that one morning I will wake up and dd will be dead in her crib because I didn't check on her enough times. She scares me a lot, chokes often when she eats and then I have a panic attack when that happens too.

I don't want this to be a pityparty or anything like that. I feel like I deserved what happened to me but now I can't move on from it and feel like my life is over and my family would be better off without me. I don't have suicidal thoughts, I just don't want to be here making their lives bad. Everyone surrounding that situation pretty much convinced me I wasn't a good person who did a bad thing, but a bad person who could never do anything right ever ever ever again.

We moved, and the holidays were hard emotionally and also chaotic you know? so now I have no home that feels familiar, and all the neighbors are strangers.

I think I need to see somebody, but I can't even go to the ob because dd is walking now/no bucket seat and I just can't face taking her to doc's offices with me.

it is embarassing and shameful to me to post this. I don't deserve any help cuz I brought it all on myself anyway.
OMG. My situation is very similar, only I didn't actually do anything wrong...everybody just thought I did. I now have no IRL friends with the exception of my husband and maybe one other person. It's hard. I WISH I could move to a new place and start over. Sometimes I think that would be so much easier. Anyway, if you ever need to talk, please PM me.
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Old 01-06-2007, 05:31 PM   #18
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Re: ppd support thread

I want to thank everyone who has joined our group and shared! I think sharing with eachother and reading that we are not the only ones helps a lot. It helps me at least!

I know I am not back through the woods yet. I have not been sleeping, have been having nightmares. Today I fell asleep in the middle of the day while DS was still up. I woke up to him standing on my dresser, swinging the hanging lamp. I almost flipped out. I yelled at him. Not necesarily such a bad thing. The bad thing was I didn't bother getting out of the bed. this is one way I know things are bad. When I don't bother getting up to rectify the situation, just sit and yell and cry. Yesterday I slapped his hand, and then cried afterward more than he did. I felt horrible. To show what a bad week it has been, I have been yelling no, mommy said no to my son so much that he will start yelling it himself before he does something he knows he shouldn't do. It just feels like he is trying to push me over the edge when he does that. He knows he shouldn't be doing it and does it anyways!

*sigh*

I've been snapping at DH so much for no reason, and having contempt in my voice, denying anything when he confronts me about it even though my mind is telling me that I'm wrong and should apologize. I just can't bring myself to. I find myself getting mad when he's calm and I'm angry. I guess I want my anger to be justified?

I'm all screwed up.

Thanks for listening!

Thanks for listening!
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Old 01-06-2007, 05:38 PM   #19
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Re: ppd support thread

I've had a pretty bad day, too. And to top it off, DH won't be home until 11:30 at the earliest, which means he'll be going straight to bed and have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning and head right back to work. DS has two teeth coming in and I just suddenly found myself so sick of his whinning. I felt TERRIBLE because I knew it was absolutely horrible to be mad at a 9 month old for being upset because his teeth hurt. But I just found myself getting more and more angry with him. And it's only been 4 days since I've been without Zoloft. It's going to be rough.
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Old 01-06-2007, 06:41 PM   #20
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Re: ppd support thread

I understand completely. I'm screaming at ds, and slapping his hand, and I've had my medicine for three days now. I was off of it for a month, though. I'm just so angry. It feels like he is trying to do this.

I think part of the problem is he seems to like pain. He will find out that something hurts and then do it repeatedly. I need to not slap his hand because it doesn't seem to bother him in the least, which only makes me more angry.

He is climbing everything, tearing the house apart, and I am so angry that I know I will fly off the handle every time I try to stop him.

I'm so tense my neck and back hurt.

DH has been at work since 11 and won't be home until at least 10.

I just want to scream at the top of my lungs for an hour.

Oh, and to top things off, I have a sheriff as my next door neighbor, and I'm just waiting for him to come knock on my door for all of the yelling. I know he probably can't hear me, but I'm always afraid he will. It's not like I'm saying anything bad. Just yelling "get down" and "Alex, no! We don't do that!" but I guess I'm just paranoid.

My reflux is acting up and to make matters worse, DS has had three dirty diapers in the last 3 hours. Yuck!

Right now I feel like I hate him. I know I don't, but I am so angry that I feel like I do.

And I have no one nearby that can help me.
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