Reply Hey Mom! Learn more about the Gerber Life Insurance Grow-Up Plan!
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 03-25-2010, 06:14 PM   #41
mrsbedford's Avatar
mrsbedford
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deer Park, TX
Posts: 78
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

thank you.

Advertisement

mrsbedford is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-01-2010, 10:33 AM   #42
MySillyBearCub's Avatar
MySillyBearCub
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Northern, IN
Posts: 636
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

I haven't cried over my loss in a long time. Ironically, DH asked me why there was a small heart on April 24th of our calendar. He was hurt too but he'd rather forget and move on... I just smiled at him and said it was the date of my D&C. He hugged me.

I hope I never need this thread again but it's nice to know it's here just in case.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jamie1450 View Post
My dad was the only person who said the right thing, he kept it simple. "I'm so sorry honey, I love you."
I think my dad and DH were the only ones who "got it right" too.
__________________
Meaghan, happily married to Papa Bear(6-23-07) and Mama Bear to my silly Bear Cub (5-27-09)
MySillyBearCub is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2010, 12:13 AM   #43
emy_lou's Avatar
emy_lou
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,616
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

I cried while reading this. I should have gave birth to my twins on Feb. 4th of this year. I lost them both at about 3 months PG. and every day I go on saying how it was most likely my fault for this reason or that reason. At first when it happened, I even blamed my DH for it. I still fell like crap about that! I know it wasnt HIS fault, it most likely wasnt my fault ether, but of course, I'm still going to blame myself. But, I dont agree with all of it. I do agree with 99.9% of it!
emy_lou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2010, 05:47 AM   #44
MySillyBearCub's Avatar
MySillyBearCub
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Northern, IN
Posts: 636
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by emy_lou View Post
I cried while reading this. I should have gave birth to my twins on Feb. 4th of this year. I lost them both at about 3 months PG. and every day I go on saying how it was most likely my fault for this reason or that reason. At first when it happened, I even blamed my DH for it. I still fell like crap about that! I know it wasnt HIS fault, it most likely wasnt my fault ether, but of course, I'm still going to blame myself. But, I dont agree with all of it. I do agree with 99.9% of it!
Awww sweetie, be gentle on yourself. It's really no ones fault. It sucks more than words can say but no ammount of blaming or beating your self up will change it. It will get easier with time.
__________________
Meaghan, happily married to Papa Bear(6-23-07) and Mama Bear to my silly Bear Cub (5-27-09)
MySillyBearCub is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-11-2010, 09:02 AM   #45
emy_lou's Avatar
emy_lou
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,616
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by MySillyBearCub View Post
Awww sweetie, be gentle on yourself. It's really no ones fault. It sucks more than words can say but no ammount of blaming or beating your self up will change it. It will get easier with time.
thanks mama. It really does hurt. I'm still in the phase of crying every time I think of it. I just try to push it to the back of my head and forget it. But there's sometimes that I cant stop myself from thinking about it all. But every time I say something about it all, my DH tells me, "that's not something to be thinking about" So I really dont talk about it much. KWIM?
emy_lou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2010, 08:09 AM   #46
MySillyBearCub's Avatar
MySillyBearCub
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Northern, IN
Posts: 636
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by emy_lou View Post
thanks mama. It really does hurt. I'm still in the phase of crying every time I think of it. I just try to push it to the back of my head and forget it. But there's sometimes that I cant stop myself from thinking about it all. But every time I say something about it all, my DH tells me, "that's not something to be thinking about" So I really dont talk about it much. KWIM?
If talking helps then I'm all ears... really, PM me any time you want. Men are strange creatures... Most men I know have a "head in the sand" approach to such emotional things. It's actually a little scary sometimes how alike my DH and dad are... but for them, once it's "over and dealt with" there's no need to relive it. That's just their way of dealing with the loss. When I need(ed) to talk about it I went to friends or people who I knew would be receptive. Not that DH isn't a compassionate guy, but he had dealt with it and moved on. I wasn't ready to move on yet so rather than drag him back into that dark place with me, I went to my BF who I knew would just listen and tell me it was ok in all the right places.
__________________
Meaghan, happily married to Papa Bear(6-23-07) and Mama Bear to my silly Bear Cub (5-27-09)
MySillyBearCub is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-12-2010, 03:10 PM   #47
emy_lou's Avatar
emy_lou
Registered Users
seller
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,616
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by MySillyBearCub View Post
If talking helps then I'm all ears... really, PM me any time you want. Men are strange creatures... Most men I know have a "head in the sand" approach to such emotional things. It's actually a little scary sometimes how alike my DH and dad are... but for them, once it's "over and dealt with" there's no need to relive it. That's just their way of dealing with the loss. When I need(ed) to talk about it I went to friends or people who I knew would be receptive. Not that DH isn't a compassionate guy, but he had dealt with it and moved on. I wasn't ready to move on yet so rather than drag him back into that dark place with me, I went to my BF who I knew would just listen and tell me it was ok in all the right places.
Thanks mama to you to. My mom PMed my hubby earlier today saying she didnt know I was still grieving the twins lose, then he told her, She's not... He told me thatand I almost broke down crying, And then he wouldnt tell me the rest of the convo so I dont know what else was said, But really, I didnt ask cuz I really just didnt wanna hear it. I kinda got mad at both of them. I mean I know its been about a year now since I lost them, But its not something I can just "get over just like that" and its something that I will grieve over for the rest of my life. Even if I dont look like anything is bothering me, I just try not to think about it. KWIM? Anyways, thanks mama! You can PM me anytime to talk as well. Have a good day!
emy_lou is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2010, 11:55 AM   #48
Sally's Red Meadow's Avatar
Sally's Red Meadow
Registered Users
josycat
seller
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 4,956
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

Thanks Jen for posting this.
Sally's Red Meadow is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-13-2010, 10:48 AM   #49
mommybird
Registered Users
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 684
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

This is incredibly beautiful, thank you for posting it. A loss is a loss, no matter what. I think people just don't understand that some of the things they say can hurt so badly.
__________________
mom of 4
mommybird is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2010, 09:04 AM   #50
Havah's Avatar
Havah
Registered Users
seller
seller
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 2,207
My Mood:
Re: What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss

Quote:
Originally Posted by jenvbear View Post
Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.


- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
First, off, thank you for posting this (the whole thing). A couple of years ago a friend and I in the same church (we've both moved since) were TTC and lost our babies consecutively. Well, she conceived, lost, and I found out I was pregnant right as we received the news. Then, just as I lost mine, she conceived again. That was a really tough time in our friendship ... first, I avoided her because I didn't know how to treat her (I didn't want to tell her I was pregnant and I didn't want to patronize her as so many were). After I lost my little one, then the roles reversed; happy as I was for her, I just couldn't be around her knowing her baby was growing and mine wasn't (I am delighted that this baby survived for her, don't get me wrong!)

That said ... can I say something? I copied these two parts over because they troubled me. Now, I agree you should NEVER tell a woman that it was God's will that her baby died! Heavens, no. It's that last part, "God wills many terrible things." Now, I'm only familiar with my own faith system and it's roots, but the Scriptures I read state clearly that God NEVER wills terrible things (Jeremiah 29:11). Instead, He grieves with us. Granted, He does allow terrible things that confuse us, and there's not the time or space here to go into why without being pat (and I wouldn't go into it unless someone asked anyways). But I do believe God grieves every baby that dies even as he welcomes him/her into His presence.

As for not saying, "it's not your fault," ... this one in my opinion is a timing issue. Certainly not right away. But I and my SIL both have lost little ones and there's a point (anywhere from months to years) where we need to hear it. It's very easy to get stuck in the anger stage of grief mixed with fear if we swallow this lie that our bodies failed us. My babies died because of a chromosomal imbalance. My body actually fought to sustain them even after they were gone! And the chromosomal issue could have come from DH -- not I'm going to blame him either. Meanwhile, my SIL birthed a 28-week micropreemie who only survived for 80 beautiful, terrible minutes. The problem was an infection in the umbilical cord that started in the baby. Sadly, my SIL is still tearing herself apart over it, over something she couldn't control.

I think there's nothing worse than losing a child, no matter when that child dies. But we have to watch ourselves to not get trapped in the same pits as the parents who've lost children who've lived and breathed for years. Grief is devastating, but not as devastating as the crippling fear that can be born of it.

I'm sorry if I've angered anyone in this. We all have our coping mechanisms. I've chosen to celebrate the brief lives of my two "lost" little ones and focus on the survivors for now. Because the truth is, I don't believe them truly lost. I just have to wait a little longer to meet them ... meanwhile, these are the children I never have to worry about. Those nagging questions that come later ... about illnesses, injuries, bullies ... even their Salvation. These children are secure in their eternity and will never feel pain. At the very least, I can celebrate that, and I am unashamed to proclaim it.
__________________
Jeanne, blessed wife to my best friend EJ , SAHM to
spectrum E 09/06, 06/08, Wyn 10/09, Rose 10/11 & River 03/14

Last edited by Havah; 06-08-2010 at 09:06 AM.
Havah is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Copyright 2005 - 2014 Escalate Media. All Rights Reserved.