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Old 01-16-2007, 09:35 PM   #11
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?


I've BTDT (not with a musician, with an offshore oilfield worker). If you've told him straight up, "This is not cool," and his response was that he was doing as much as he agreed to...well, it don't sound good, I'll put it that way. My DH used to work offshore and took a transfer to a "family-friendly" position...even though he's still working very long hours. It's constant negotiation.

Have you considered joining a gym with a nursery? It shouldn't matter whether you have to drop off one kid or five. How about the preschool programs? Church/synagogue/temple/mosque? You'll need support from a community if you're going to make a go of it. Maybe you could make up a babysitting co-op with friends?

Just trying to throw ideas out there. Good luck whatever you decide!

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Old 01-16-2007, 09:49 PM   #12
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

So sorry mama . No real advice except that you need to have a serious talk about him growing up and getting his priorities straight.
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Old 01-16-2007, 09:49 PM   #13
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I couldn't handle being truly solo..


I second the above book and another one that I thought had some good info was "Created to be his HelpMeet"

Does your husband provide? does his working so much keep a roof over your head,food on the table and clothes on your children and the bills paid? I ask this because my husband works VERY hard and LONGGGGG hours but he is driven to do this out of love for us.It's the way a good guy is wired..They want to provide and can take it to what some would say is extreme.

Next question..When he is home is it choas with the kids wild and you upset?

Last ?... you said it is to hard with him gone all the time..Now imagine if he truly WAS gone all the time!!! It sounds like you do want him around are you wouldn't care he is gone so much

It also sounds like yours is partyin' and living a not so great lifestyle possibly which has got to be so hard I would also be SOOOO mad if my husband said some of what you shared (though he DID say in joking after a our son wouldn't stop crying that maybe we should give him to his aunt and have another)

I gotta say though that I think sometimes we as women forget though that we have the power to make or break a man by nothing more than our words and actions.(Dr.Luara goes into this and explains it wonderfully) Just gonna give you an example here of something that actually happened recently NOT saying you act like my SIL

My husband works with his brother and they had a call to go cruise a track of timber which meant that they would close the sawmill down at the regular time and then go so would be home late (Yeah, he cuts trees so people can wipe their bum and build furniture and houses ) My BIL called his wife and my DH said he heard our SIL start yelling and even cursing her DH..on and on she went about how hard it is with two little ones and didn't he know that she wanted a break and he had promised he would be home at 4 o'clock and on and on.My DH said that it took his brother about 5 minutes of trying to explain where they were going,what they were doing and why they were doing it.He hung up and said " Yeah, I really want to go home now and spend time with THAT..not"
My DH said he told his brother "Now listen to this" He picked called me and I WAS VERY DISAPOINTED but told him to be careful and call me if they didn't stop to eat so I could have something ready for him. (and No,I am not the perfect Suzie homemaker ) I had no idea what had just been heard and said in that truck until later that night but my husband hung up the phone and his brother mumbled something about life not being fair and he sure knew how to pick a good 'un.. I personally find it very sad that as hard as my BIL works his wife complains and fusses and will go as far as driving to the SawMill and fussing in front of the men if he happens to be 30 minutes late and hasn't called..

I do think that your case is different but wanted to share that to say this: keep in mind that you will catch more flies with honey than vinegar..Those old timers knew what they were talking about

Keep your words kind and stop trying to get him to do more even though you feel like NOT doing anything of the sort and just see what happens.This may not work at all w/ your husband as it sounds like he IS immature BUT if he is not abusive I would do anything I could to stay with him .. It will be VERY hard on you with 4 children if you are alone and are used to your DH providing. You can still go out..just take your children out with you..Just find things that will interest them and get you out of the house..Go to McDonalds indoor playground when nobody else is there and chase them around the play area..I promise you'll get that workout you need!

Oops... sorry that was way to long NAK
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Old 01-16-2007, 09:59 PM   #14
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

All I can tell you is to not depend on him for a break and find a babysitter so you can get some time to yourself.

My husband works a lot, I'm pretty much a single parent during the week. It's tough on me, and I ask for help when I need it. I'd be livid if he were out doing whatever he wanted to though-but he is working to support our family.

But I also don't think it's fair for you to ask him to quit the band. He SHOULD want to because his life has changed, but you married him and had a baby with him knowing he was in this band and travelled with it. Unless he agreed to before the baby was born, and now isn't, it was part of the "package". It has to be his choice and you're going to have to decide for yourself if you can stay married to him or not.
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Old 01-16-2007, 10:02 PM   #15
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I went through a few years with my DH in a very similar situation.

He worked part time, slept past one in the afternoon, played in his band and stayed out late, was also not very nice to me and was not plugged in even when he was home.

At about the five year mark in our marriage we had a big falling out, and I told him that I was ready to leave because he was verbally abusive and was not treating the kids right.

He got his life turned around, and now a couple of years later we are doing well. Things never were really good for us until after that point, and now we are happy and we don't fight anymore. Not the bitter angry fights you have when you just are really unhappy.

It seemed like it wasn't even possible for this to happen at the time when things were bad. I had visions of growing old and lonely in a terrible marriage. We had some help, though. A church, two counselors, new friends, and family.

If I didn't believe in sticking with my marriage through faith, though - I would have given up before we had a chance to heal.

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Old 01-16-2007, 10:08 PM   #16
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Wow. I'm so sorry mama! That has got to be so tough. I dont have any real sound advice.

My DH works A LOT. He just started a new job mid-November which requires long days, and infrequent days off and when you DO actually take the day they frown upon that. Before that, he worked 5 days a week 8-6ish everyday and took on a part time job several days a week to help bring in some extra cash because at that time we NEEDED it to pay bills.

Like, Tara I often feel like a single Mom (during the week, but mostly weekend, he is never home. He works bell to bell (9am-10pm) and DD is in bed by 9:30 at the latest.

HOWEVER, I would never stand for the kind of snarky remark your hubby made in regurds to the Im ready to adopt him out statement. I probably would have thrown him out. And, I'm sorry but when you "sign up" to be a parent (i.e having sex since that is consenting you to be a parent even if birth control is envolved, nothing is 100%) you sign up for LIFE. Not 1 hr a day. Not 1 hr a week. No for 18 years, but the rest of your life. So that definitley just throws me back.

Is the baby his only child? I can assume it was just a lot more work than he thought it would be. And, he wasnt done having his fun, and sleeping in late.

If it were me, and he wasnt putting 150% into his family I would give him an altimatum.

Lots of Hang in there.
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Old 01-17-2007, 01:59 AM   #17
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

"im reading a book from dr laura and its great: proper care and feeding of marriage. i highly recommend it for both of you"

read this book already. LOVED it. Love all her stuff. wish I would have followed it though. Laura would never had put up with his crap.

its 2:56 am & there are so many posts!!! I am so happy I will be reading them in the morning. only reason I am up is cause tonight he's still not home. Not home from work. yep should have been home at 9:30pm. my blood is boiling.

I did give him an ultimatum but he says "this is who you married." He just doesn't get it and he refuses to quit his hobby even for the sake of our marriage. i just kept hoping and praying he'd wake up and say something any normal husband would. ... but its not going to happen (cry)
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:17 AM   #18
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I understand being devoted to your husband. I am a christian woman and I said for better or for worse and till death do we part. But when my husband decides that his family is not first then he is out completely except for what the court says I have to give him. JMO. Hugs mama. Sounds like you have a hard rough road ahead of you.
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:53 AM   #19
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet_Fantasy_Fox View Post
:he needs to grow up and make you and that baby first priority, bands break up, his family will always be his family
this is it!! so so true. if he were dying, his band members wouldn't be the ones holding his hand.

I knew he played when we got married BUT he wasn't gone 3 days at a time. nor did he just decide to not show up after his shows. yeah, a muscian is who I married, but we had a baby and maybe he has to take time off to give me a break too. If I had a job that wasn't working for him or our kids I woudl switch. (In fact I have) We can afford for me to do some side jobs (I'm not working much now cause I have no car) and him work "part time" at his one job. (which has him gone from 11 am-6pm)
its the rehearsals and band junk that makes him gone so much. if he has a show at 9 or 10pm he leaves at 3pm to set up and doesn't get home till maybe 3am. thats just too much for such little money.

I have no car to go anywhere so I can't get a sitter (got rid of my leased SUV) and we really don't have extra $ to spend on one. and to be honest I would not know where to find one for just 2 hours here and there.
I haven't used a sitter for any of my kids in 6 years.
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:57 AM   #20
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2kailinconnor View Post
So sorry mama . No real advice except that you need to have a serious talk about him growing up and getting his priorities straight.
ha. I did this TOO many times. he just doesn't get it. I hate to just throw in the towel cause it is my 2nd marriage & have this baby but I was led to believe this would not be happening.

this is his only child and he was desperate for a baby boy after he was told that he had very abnormal sperm. now he pretty much rejects him.

I make the most money in the house up until after the baby. I even worked 2 weeks after I had him cause of me wanting to "provide" and make it easier on hubby. I think me doing everything enables him to just be "less." I think a husband should make his wife happy (back massage, spend time with her) cause she is the one who takes care of the kids and the house. If mommas crabby, everybodys crabby.
yeah he bring in some money but not enough being hone that much. Plus right now he's wasting it away on liquor I am sure.

one of you said it would be harder with him gone. well its not any better than him here just a little... or him showing up at 4 am (he's still not here at 4:06 am BTW) I'd rather NOT know this or feel the rejection. I think that when you get enough negative you start to act negative. thats why working out helps me. I feel confident and people treat confident people much better.

I think the right thing to do is make him leave. I'm just afraid. & Im very upset that he can't just say something to change it. (very hopeful wishing) I'm afraid cause I have no parents & no family to help me. I have no car, I gave up my job and I need about 2 months to get ready for another one. (need to make sure baby has somewhere to go/can eat when I am gone) so I can't save any money really. the little money I have is used to pay my charge cards.
a divorce attorney is at least $2000 up front.
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