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Old 01-17-2007, 04:44 AM   #21
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I didn't read all the replies but wanted to share what I thought. I too dated a lead singer of a band, he had 2 kids (we had custody) and I had 1, all 3 were under 4 years old! He made pleanty of time for our family even with his FT job and band. If he is not willing to grow up and take responsibility then he's just not worth the headaches. Sorry to sound so mean but if he really wanted to save his marriage he could, it takes 2 to make it work not one doing the work of 2. I have 3 kids and I am certain I could do it on my own. I was a single teen parent who was too proud to ask for help. I moved out, graduated high school, went to college and made a life for my son and I on my own. Granted 3-4 kids will be harder but have faith that you can do it. Heck, right now all he's doing is helping out financially so the roles wouldn't change too much. Trust me I want to be that person that says it will all work out but if he doesn't want it to then in reality we all know it won't. Your child(ren) deserve a father, maybe the courts need to step in and try to make him one. Big hugs mama, I know it's hard

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Old 01-17-2007, 06:14 AM   #22
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

He sounds pretty selfish if you ask me. If he can say and do such hurtful things I would kick him out on his butt. A man should love his family enough to sacrifice anything....
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Old 01-17-2007, 07:18 AM   #23
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I hope your dh realizes that he has a family that loves him and needs him!!! before it is too late.. you know... you as a woman are strong, and if you have to go without new clothes or a big home ect to be with your children, then you know you would be able to give them a safe and LOVING home...
I am a child of divorce, it is not fun, but you are doing it alone now... maybe he will realize what a blessing he has right at home.... sending hugs and good vibes....
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Old 01-17-2007, 08:02 AM   #24
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I think one of the best peices of advice I ever got regarding marriage and children was from my grandmother. She told me that two people can get through almost anything if they have respect for each other. Without respect for each other, the next thing to go is your respect for yourself -- because in your heart you know you are not living an honest life by being unhappy. She also said to always consider your children -- what would you advise them to do if they were in your situation? Would you want your daughters to stay married to a man like your husband? Would you want your sons to be this kind of man?

I think there are reasons you want to stay married to him, or you wouldn't be seeking advice you'd be filing papers. So you need to be honest with yourself about what those reasons are, and whether they justify staying. The bottom line is, you are responsible for your own happiness....so if nothing ever changed in your marriage, could you be happy? You can't make somebody change, and you can't force maturity.....but you can certainly assist someone in their journey if they are willing to accept your help.

Good luck mama
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Old 01-17-2007, 10:07 AM   #25
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Dh & I have been together for 11yrs (8yrs with at least 1 kid). There have been MANY years that dh worked 2+ jobs so I could stay home (before we both finished college). Once from Sept 99-Dec 01 he had a great paying job & worked 7-3pm & that was great but we had the opportunity to move, have a job & go back to school which was our goal so we did that. We both went to school full time, opposite schedules so no childcare & then dh worked 4-midnight 5-6 days a week. Last year, he substitute taught 7-3:30pm & then worked in a store from 4-midnight, teaching was 3+ days a week, store was 5-6. Summer he taught summer school & worked the store. SO I am pretty used to going it alone. He finally has a full time teaching position, but being a first year teacher, he has all his lessons to get done. He is at school from 7-5pm, he is the assistant softball coach (saturdays for 3hrs) & helping with the musical (3 days a week for 2hrs + set building). Then he comes home & writes his lessons. Was an "absent" father what I "signed up" for? NO, but he is doing it for the betterment of our family and I will gladly wait for him.
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Old 01-17-2007, 11:23 AM   #26
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

he's not doing this better our family cause it barely makes any money. He's doing it cause thats what HE wants to do. He's around slutty girls, booze and party life. He goes out to do this cause he likes to be with the guys each weekend. thats one thing... but he uses it as an excuse that he's making money. well its not worth it. he makes too little and gone too long.

would you work 30+ hours a week for $200 BEFORE EXPENSES? (gas, food, clothing, hotel)

My comprimise was one day a week to do the band. he won't do it. all he needs to do is get a sub. and the kicker is this band may not even be playing next year cause the lead singer wants to quit. so then what? he will have literally lost everything.

my update is that he came home at 9 am smelling like a bar. He says he stayed with a friend. he think cause I saw an attorney yesterday to ask about a divorce he's entitled to go where he wants and again, not help with the baby. oh, and "I can't use the car." But I took him to work anyway and went to WORKOUT. was so nice.

I guess I will try to make a plan and probably need to get a temporary order thru the courts asap. didn't think I would be doing it this quickly but... I think we deserve more.

BTW thank you ALL so much for all your words and stories. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am not the only one who thinks this. I needed to hear that!!!
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Old 01-17-2007, 11:48 AM   #27
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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Old 01-17-2007, 12:06 PM   #28
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

oh sweetie. you have picked a bad bad guy so sorry
like dr laura would say: get yourself a good lawyer and get out of that situation. if you have family to go to. GO!!
again, goodlluck!! Ihope and pray it works out for you
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Old 01-17-2007, 12:07 PM   #29
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Quote:
Originally Posted by homebirthmom View Post
he's not doing this better our family cause it barely makes any money. He's doing it cause thats what HE wants to do. He's around slutty girls, booze and party life. He goes out to do this cause he likes to be with the guys each weekend. thats one thing... but he uses it as an excuse that he's making money. well its not worth it. he makes too little and gone too long.

would you work 30+ hours a week for $200 BEFORE EXPENSES? (gas, food, clothing, hotel)

My comprimise was one day a week to do the band. he won't do it. all he needs to do is get a sub. and the kicker is this band may not even be playing next year cause the lead singer wants to quit. so then what? he will have literally lost everything.

my update is that he came home at 9 am smelling like a bar. He says he stayed with a friend. he think cause I saw an attorney yesterday to ask about a divorce he's entitled to go where he wants and again, not help with the baby. oh, and "I can't use the car." But I took him to work anyway and went to WORKOUT. was so nice.

I guess I will try to make a plan and probably need to get a temporary order thru the courts asap. didn't think I would be doing it this quickly but... I think we deserve more.

BTW thank you ALL so much for all your words and stories. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am not the only one who thinks this. I needed to hear that!!!

Mama, that must be very hard.
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Old 01-17-2007, 12:09 PM   #30
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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would you work 30+ hours a week for $200 BEFORE EXPENSES? (gas, food, clothing, hotel)
yeah if need be, my dh's second job was minimum wage (less than $6/hr in PA) and about 30+ hr a week without including the cost of the uniform he needed. But that extra $120-150/wk really helped some months when subbing was slow (& especially in the summer!).

Now I dont agree that your dh should be out till 9am coming home smelling like a bar. If his "friend" is good enough to let him sleep there, then let him shower!
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