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Old 01-17-2007, 12:13 PM   #31
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?


I agree with several of the comments in this thread. I have been there with someone who wasn't always there for the family. Long story short, I left him.

But you need to do what you feel in your heart is right. If you feel that this is going nowhere, do something about it!

And again...

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Old 01-17-2007, 12:23 PM   #32
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

well first let me offer you big ol

I am sorry you are having trouble! this is the last thing you need right now, isn't it!?! I wish there were majic words but their aren't. I suppose if you have somewhere to go to, that may be the best thing. I get the "til death and better or worse stuff - but is he abiding by those vows?? nope... he's not cherishing and caring for etc. KWIM.

Also I would be worried about the babies safety frankly..for a daddy that is "desperate" to have a baby then say the adoption thing - that would worry me... if you can get out - get out. and dont date aymore... since were quoteing Dr Laura - I am sure sh'd say you just can't pick 'em, can you... raise those babies well! lots of love and if you have any boys- raise them to be there for their families!!!!

I have been there- I have been married to the service (navy) and then divorced from it was alone for 4 years. it can be done. especially when you aren't waiting for the hubby to do/say something you know they won't/

I wish it were different for you, mama!
good luck.
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Old 01-17-2007, 01:17 PM   #33
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I know I couldn't, nor would I want to.

My DH and I talked about having a child for TWO YEARS before TTC. I wanted to be sure BOTH of us were on board with **everything** it takes to raise a child. These discussions included how both of us would contribute to the day to day care of a child.

Given your DH has a lifestyle that doesn't foster a typical family life, did you really think having a kid would change him? I mean, this lifestyle of his didn't materialize out of thin air, did it?

I am guessing that both of you never had any honest, open discussions about what and how a child would impact your respective lives before TTC. (And, how on earth does your DH's fertility issue have anything to do with this discussion? Is there something you are not sharing??)

Perhaps some men aren't worth anything beyond being a sperm donor.
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Old 01-17-2007, 01:32 PM   #34
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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Originally Posted by Sweet_Fantasy_Fox View Post
mama, i don't know what to say, he needs to grow up and make you and that baby first priority, bands break up, his family will always be his family
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Old 01-17-2007, 01:40 PM   #35
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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I know I couldn't, nor would I want to.

My DH and I talked about having a child for TWO YEARS before TTC. I wanted to be sure BOTH of us were on board with **everything** it takes to raise a child. These discussions included how both of us would contribute to the day to day care of a child.

Given your DH has a lifestyle that doesn't foster a typical family life, did you really think having a kid would change him? I mean, this lifestyle of his didn't materialize out of thin air, did it?

I am guessing that both of you never had any honest, open discussions about what and how a child would impact your respective lives before TTC. (And, how on earth does your DH's fertility issue have anything to do with this discussion? Is there something you are not sharing??)

Perhaps some men aren't worth anything beyond being a sperm donor.
WHOOOAA mama...just becasue you feel like you went about TTC in such a perfect manner doesnt mean you can rip this mama new one for not "discussing" it so perfectly. Lets not forget so many things that come into play with new relationships and being in love, sometimes you cant see whats right in front of your face and now she can and she is admiting it...She cant change whats already been done, shes just asking for advice to go from here....My goodness give the mama some hugs

Now to homebirthmom, I think you know what is best for you and your kids....you feel it in your gut and you want reassurance that its okay to leave, I'm having lots of problems with my DH too and I know how hard it is to leave when feeling it might not be the right thing...and many mamas here gave me good advice too....and I wanted to tell you that maybe a trial seperation would be great for you guys then you can see how hard he really will try to save this marriage.........I believe that he is being selfish and inconsiderate of his family and wife and children and you deserve more than that !! I know its so hard to leave but it may be whats best for you and the kids?? To me Id rather do it alone than be with someone and still feel like im doing it alone?? Ykwim??
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Old 01-17-2007, 01:44 PM   #36
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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my update is that he came home at 9 am smelling like a bar. He says he stayed with a friend. he think cause I saw an attorney yesterday to ask about a divorce he's entitled to go where he wants and again, not help with the baby. oh, and "I can't use the car." But I took him to work anyway and went to WORKOUT. was so nice.

I guess I will try to make a plan and probably need to get a temporary order thru the courts asap. didn't think I would be doing it this quickly but... I think we deserve more.

BTW thank you ALL so much for all your words and stories. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am not the only one who thinks this. I needed to hear that!!!

Definitely make a plan. I just wanted to add, make sure you can handle it all before you make the leap. I know I've had to look real hard at things (financially) because I am a SAHM and I've let him handle it all for quite awhile. That was in a book I read called "10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Financial Lives" (not by Dr. Laura, but Laura-style). Basically they advise making an "exit strategy" before you make an exit. The authors claim every woman needs one---because what if (God forbid) he gets hurt or killed in some kind of accident? Women should become self-sufficient, in other words. When my DH saw I was taking care of business he knew I was serious and started to make changes himself. The "exit" became unnecessary.

GL!
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:00 PM   #37
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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I know I couldn't, nor would I want to.

My DH and I talked about having a child for TWO YEARS before TTC. I wanted to be sure BOTH of us were on board with **everything** it takes to raise a child. These discussions included how both of us would contribute to the day to day care of a child.

Given your DH has a lifestyle that doesn't foster a typical family life, did you really think having a kid would change him? I mean, this lifestyle of his didn't materialize out of thin air, did it?

I am guessing that both of you never had any honest, open discussions about what and how a child would impact your respective lives before TTC. (And, how on earth does your DH's fertility issue have anything to do with this discussion? Is there something you are not sharing??)

Perhaps some men aren't worth anything beyond being a sperm donor.
Wow!! That was just plain mean!! Sorry to shock your perfect little world, but not everyone does things...well...perfectly. Notice the rainbow in my avi? That indicates not ALL my children are my husbands. Yes I was married and divorced, and , uh oh, had my first young and out of wedlock!! Things happen and when it doesn't directly affect our lives it's not for us to pass judgement on. Even when it's posted on a public forum.

So, for the question that was asked, and was the point of the post, doing it solo sometimes is easier than dealing with someone who is there, but isn't there. KWIM? As I told my oldest son's dad, "I can do bad on my own, I don't need you to help me." I would think that it shouldn't have to be said that marriage is a partnership where both parties work together. If there's no working together, than there is no partnership. If there's no partnership what do you have? Nothing. If DH was behaving this way I would take every avenue there was to remedy it. If there was no remedying it, well, then, I can do bad on my own.

Read your PM's and make your lists, girly!!
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:00 PM   #38
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

wow, once again, thank you for all your kind words!!! even if you don't know me... women can be so helpful ; )

i did write in to hear what i needed. that i can do it on my own or that most of you would never put up w this either. gives me confidence to say ENOUGH.
again, its not want I want to do but we can't just wait around for someone to change. Its not very healthy for the kids to see or feel this either!
I was led to believe that he was committed to our marriage thru thick and thin, sickness and all that jazz. well it just wasn't so.

so can I ask now... maybe I could find a playgroup to get out w baby. how or where would I look? (I don't just see postings for these) Provided I get car... somehow with no job.
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:16 PM   #39
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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Wow!! That was just plain mean!! Sorry to shock your perfect little world, but not everyone does things...well...perfectly. Notice the rainbow in my avi? That indicates not ALL my children are my husbands. Yes I was married and divorced, and , uh oh, had my first young and out of wedlock!! Things happen and when it doesn't directly affect our lives it's not for us to pass judgement on. Even when it's posted on a public forum.

So, for the question that was asked, and was the point of the post, doing it solo sometimes is easier than dealing with someone who is there, but isn't there. KWIM? As I told my oldest son's dad, "I can do bad on my own, I don't need you to help me." I would think that it shouldn't have to be said that marriage is a partnership where both parties work together. If there's no working together, than there is no partnership. If there's no partnership what do you have? Nothing. If DH was behaving this way I would take every avenue there was to remedy it. If there was no remedying it, well, then, I can do bad on my own.

Read your PM's and make your lists, girly!!

I totally AGREE Wiith you on every thing you said mama!! WELL SAID and yes I agreed adn posted above that I though tthe other posting was quite a stab for someone who is already experincing pain....
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Old 01-17-2007, 02:20 PM   #40
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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wow, once again, thank you for all your kind words!!! even if you don't know me... women can be so helpful ; )

i did write in to hear what i needed. that i can do it on my own or that most of you would never put up w this either. gives me confidence to say ENOUGH.
again, its not want I want to do but we can't just wait around for someone to change. Its not very healthy for the kids to see or feel this either!
I was led to believe that he was committed to our marriage thru thick and thin, sickness and all that jazz. well it just wasn't so.

so can I ask now... maybe I could find a playgroup to get out w baby. how or where would I look? (I don't just see postings for these) Provided I get car... somehow with no job.

I would do a google search for play groups in your area or mom groups and see what comes up...You can also maybe contact the local library for psoting on their communtiy boards...or the same which local churches they have community boards for mamas with children who want to schedule play groups....I think you need to make a plan for yourslef to get out and 1st thing on that plan would find a way to get a cheap car or some sort.....you have confined yourself to a tight box with having no car and you need to change that part at least and gain some freedom back and also help you get around and get this stuff done ykwim??
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