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Old 01-17-2007, 03:43 PM   #41
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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I know I couldn't, nor would I want to.

My DH and I talked about having a child for TWO YEARS before TTC. I wanted to be sure BOTH of us were on board with **everything** it takes to raise a child. These discussions included how both of us would contribute to the day to day care of a child.

Given your DH has a lifestyle that doesn't foster a typical family life, did you really think having a kid would change him? I mean, this lifestyle of his didn't materialize out of thin air, did it?

I am guessing that both of you never had any honest, open discussions about what and how a child would impact your respective lives before TTC. (And, how on earth does your DH's fertility issue have anything to do with this discussion? Is there something you are not sharing??)

Perhaps some men aren't worth anything beyond being a sperm donor.
I agree this can't possibly be the entire story. Obviously there are two sides to every marriage/divorce. It just seems maybe part of the puzzle is missing.

If you are that miserable and he is that bad of a father, it is time to leave.

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Old 01-17-2007, 06:04 PM   #42
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Please, ease up mamasita. No one is being attacked nor being ripped a new one. I believe you misread the intent of my reply.

A relationship takes two people. It doesn't exist in a vacuum, for better or worse.

I believe life-altering decisions (name all of yours here!) deserve time, respect and honesty. I had no idea this was considered "perfect", borrowing your account. Unless one has the mindset and maturity of Britney Spears, I think they way we approached TTC is reasonable and mature, hardly revolutionary.

I am not clear how a conversation about a new relationship comes into play. Did I miss something?

Of course, change can only come about through work. Again, a relationship doesn't materialize from one person's effort. Especially when it involves a child. I think, at best, when a child's involved, I would like to think there was a serious effort made at salvaging a marriage before the D word was thrown about. Marriage shouldn't be a casualty of our disposable culture.

And, also remember: there are two sides to every story.

Advice? How about a solid, Girl Scout effort at working on the marriage before entertaining divorce. That is such a forever solution.



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WHOOOAA mama...just becasue you feel like you went about TTC in such a perfect manner doesnt mean you can rip this mama new one for not "discussing" it so perfectly. Lets not forget so many things that come into play with new relationships and being in love, sometimes you cant see whats right in front of your face and now she can and she is admiting it...She cant change whats already been done, shes just asking for advice to go from here....My goodness give the mama some hugs

Now to homebirthmom, I think you know what is best for you and your kids....you feel it in your gut and you want reassurance that its okay to leave, I'm having lots of problems with my DH too and I know how hard it is to leave when feeling it might not be the right thing...and many mamas here gave me good advice too....and I wanted to tell you that maybe a trial seperation would be great for you guys then you can see how hard he really will try to save this marriage.........I believe that he is being selfish and inconsiderate of his family and wife and children and you deserve more than that !! I know its so hard to leave but it may be whats best for you and the kids?? To me Id rather do it alone than be with someone and still feel like im doing it alone?? Ykwim??
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Old 01-17-2007, 07:17 PM   #43
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Wow, I am in the SAME situation. My DH is in a band and goes all over the state. He works all day then does this every night. My DH is the only one in the band who is married and has kids, so it is hard for me because I cannot be involved like the other 'girlfriends'. Also I am the one stuck at home with no social life. It sucks alot sometimes & I have the same thoughts as you sometimes.
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Old 01-17-2007, 07:26 PM   #44
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I rarely see my DH but that's because he's a car salesman and works 6 days a week 9am-9pm (or up to midnight, whichever he gets stuck with) and sadly the pay is horrible, but that's off track

Now I raised my DS all by myself, no child support, no help, no one at all. It was rough, but I can't imagine having 3 more on top of him. When DH and I got together, he was a partier. He would be out all night and it was hurting my DS because he wanted some male attention so bad, he didn't care if it was mommy's boyfriend. So what woke my DH up was when I dropped his butt with all of his belongings off at his parents house and waved buh-bye. My DH basically got a kick the butt from his parents that he was loosing the best things that ever happened to him, clean up his life or get lost. So he cleaned up his act and we've been together ever since. The work hours my DH has though are not by choice, but pretty much mandated even though he is commission only not hourly.

Perhaps losing what your DH has might be a wake up call to him. Just a suggestion. I hope things get better mama
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Old 01-17-2007, 07:55 PM   #45
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MartyPants View Post
Please, ease up mamasita. No one is being attacked nor being ripped a new one. I believe you misread the intent of my reply.

A relationship takes two people. It doesn't exist in a vacuum, for better or worse.

I believe life-altering decisions (name all of yours here!) deserve time, respect and honesty. I had no idea this was considered "perfect", borrowing your account. Unless one has the mindset and maturity of Britney Spears, I think they way we approached TTC is reasonable and mature, hardly revolutionary.

I am not clear how a conversation about a new relationship comes into play. Did I miss something?

Of course, change can only come about through work. Again, a relationship doesn't materialize from one person's effort. Especially when it involves a child. I think, at best, when a child's involved, I would like to think there was a serious effort made at salvaging a marriage before the D word was thrown about. Marriage shouldn't be a casualty of our disposable culture.

And, also remember: there are two sides to every story.

Advice? How about a solid, Girl Scout effort at working on the marriage before entertaining divorce. That is such a forever solution.
What exactly was your intent. It seemed hurtful to me.

"(And, how on earth does your DH's fertility issue have anything to do with this discussion? Is there something you are not sharing??)"

Meaning what? Are you implying that you think she's hiding the truth of paternity?

"Given your DH has a lifestyle that doesn't foster a typical family life, did you really think having a kid would change him?"

Who said she was trying to change him? Not every woman not you gets pregnant with malicious intent.

"Perhaps some men aren't worth anything beyond being a sperm donor."
WTH??

"I am guessing that both of you never had any honest, open discussions about what and how a child would impact your respective lives before TTC."

Maybe they did have these discussions, and he presented himself to be something he's not. Of course, since you decided to hop on your little soap box before finding any of this out...

Very negative for a first time post. (Not including the one where you purchased things here)

And you did miss something in the statement about new relationship. She meant when her relationship was new, she may not have seen things as clearly as she does now, not that she's in a new relationship. Ths is what happens when you 1/2 arse read something and get all fired up on your own opinions and respond without taking the time to reread to make sure you "get" the content and context of a statement.
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Old 01-17-2007, 10:07 PM   #46
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LambyPants View Post
What exactly was your intent. It seemed hurtful to me.

"(And, how on earth does your DH's fertility issue have anything to do with this discussion? Is there something you are not sharing??)"

Meaning what? Are you implying that you think she's hiding the truth of paternity?

"Given your DH has a lifestyle that doesn't foster a typical family life, did you really think having a kid would change him?"

Who said she was trying to change him? Not every woman not you gets pregnant with malicious intent.

"Perhaps some men aren't worth anything beyond being a sperm donor."
WTH??

"I am guessing that both of you never had any honest, open discussions about what and how a child would impact your respective lives before TTC."

Maybe they did have these discussions, and he presented himself to be something he's not. Of course, since you decided to hop on your little soap box before finding any of this out...

Very negative for a first time post. (Not including the one where you purchased things here)

And you did miss something in the statement about new relationship. She meant when her relationship was new, she may not have seen things as clearly as she does now, not that she's in a new relationship. Ths is what happens when you 1/2 arse read something and get all fired up on your own opinions and respond without taking the time to reread to make sure you "get" the content and context of a statement.
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Old 01-17-2007, 11:05 PM   #47
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

Mama. Kudos to you for going and talking to a divorce lawyer. I'm not saying "go get a divorce" but its always a good idea to get to a lawyer first in these things.

My husband is a musician, also, and he was keeping a similar schedule when we first got married. I had to lay it all out there eventually and let him decide what was going to come first- me or his "band". (The money thing was BIG with us, too- I was working 60+ hours a week to pay the bills, and he sometimes wouldn't make $20 a gig after all of the added expenses.) He picked me, but you know what? Its still far from being champagne and roses. Far, far from it. Its just different issues. I think sometimes, even if we can get people to change their actions to suit us, it still doesn't make any difference, because they are still the same person.
Just something to think about. I think about it myself every day. Even though he is willing to make surface changes for the "sake of our marriage" he still isn't putting forth any real effort. That's just who he is. I can accept it and live (miserably) with it, or I can get out. I'm still on the fence, myself. I certainly know how hard it is to leave, even when its basically slapping you in the face as your only option.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I hope that things work out for the best for you, no matter what happens. You'll be in my thoughts, and if you ever want to chat or vent, I'm always around.
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Old 01-17-2007, 11:29 PM   #48
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I didn't read many of the replies, so I apologize if I repeat advice already given. I homeschool my 8yr old DD and my 6yr DD has a very rare chromosome disorder and ismidly autistic. I am pregnant, and on Christmas Eve I fell and sprained my ankle and dislocated my hip. I'm just saying all of this to point out that I can relate to being stressed out with the kids and no help. It is really hard. Sometimes you think you might be going crazy. My DH has been in Iraq for nearly 5 months now. He works 7am-7pm six days a week while he is there. Even under those circumstances I know if it is really really bad I can e-mail him ad he will call and "talk me down". I cannot possibly know what is going on in your relationship, but I think it is probably fair to say that there is an emotional disconnect somewhere (or maybe in lots of places). I wish I could give you step-by-step instructions on how to fix what is wrong, but I am just not that talented. I am sure that clearly defining the problem is almost as hard as fixing it. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.

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Old 01-18-2007, 07:27 AM   #49
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I wish I could give you a big hug! I'm sure you could use one.

That having been said, I just wanted to tell you that you CAN do it on your own.
My husband works out of town 5-10 days at a time, so it's just me and the little one here. I cant drive due to a disability, but we get by! It in no way compares to being completely on my own Im sure, but it makes me feel good about myself.

I hope things work out in whatever way you are hoping for. There is a reward after ALL trials.

Best wishes!
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Old 01-18-2007, 07:43 AM   #50
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

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Originally Posted by zionnecherub View Post
Wow, I am in the SAME situation. My DH is in a band and goes all over the state. He works all day then does this every night. My DH is the only one in the band who is married and has kids, so it is hard for me because I cannot be involved like the other 'girlfriends'. Also I am the one stuck at home with no social life. It sucks alot sometimes & I have the same thoughts as you sometimes.
oh sure and we end up being the outcast cause we can't go to every show. Its kind of sad. I personally just have an obligation to take care of my kids over partying. I choose them over myself.

I will have to PM you so we have so much in common ; ) thanks for posting.

and on other posts... I agree that its better to truely do it on your own then to be forced to or be just living with someone who says some horrible things.. and I'm still expected to cook and clean for them. just the fact that he CANNOT say I would always choose you/my family over anything else (which he DID say when we married) this crushes my spirit.
I truly married him cause I was in love. we did talk about having kids for years. I already had 3 and knew I wanted more. he knew he wanted them too. having 3 around brought the issue up MANY many times. the baby was planned. about the middle of the pregnancy he got distant and then he back in gear and was fine since. its just the past 2 months that have been like this.

If I knew he would be gone this much, I would not have married him/stayed with him.
BUT if I knew he was COMMITTED to the marriage, (at some point it changed for him I assume)
I probably could handle him gone a bit. (not all the time like now)
but since I do NOT have a full committment, I worry, i stress, I feel all the weight on me to take care of everything. and when I do express my feelings I feel just shot down or ignored. he really doesn't want to talk. I have to bring it all up and ask the ???'s. I don't know whats going on in his head. which is a very lonely/isolated feeling.
the one weekend he was gone for 3 1/2 days I called him bawling, saying I can't do this (I have called 2 friends prior who were not available)
anyway, he needs that wake up. someone to say "you are losing your own blood here idiot. wake up! now go grow up and take care of them."
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