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Old 01-18-2007, 10:34 AM   #51
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

oh mama! I dont really know what to say!
I dated a 'band guy' that toured all over the country and to diff. countries. He was 16 yrs my senior and he was seperated from his wife and kids (didnt know his age or that he was married til I was already into the relationship!)

The band scene is NASTY as you probably already know. This man expected things of me that I didnt feel comfy with, and I told him "i am not like one of those other girls".

Just that alone would make me not get that involved w/ him. Its a hard situation, it really is.

I would def be ticked off that he wasnt wanting family time.
I am alone from 5 am til 4-4:30 pm but luckily he's home on the weekends for the most part. He was also in a band but that ended once we started dating.


Rhiana-mom of 4. Emmaleigh Claire 8-7-09 Baby BOY Ryan James 3-15-13
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Old 01-18-2007, 12:38 PM   #52
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I can't believe how many people can relate to this situation! I guess I shouldn't be surprised but it always feels like you are the only one going through these things- you know?

My connection with you is that everything was unbelievably good before ds was born. My dh was sooo attentive and loving and almost too much! He would always say "what can I do for you?" or "what do you need from me, honey?" He sent me roses at work for every little thing. He'd help out around the house all the time. Then after ds came when I needed him more than ever it all stopped.

Ds is almost 2 now and dh and I have gone through lots of tough times. Me home on leave and him sole breadwinner, me returning to work and terribly depressed, him working long days and lots of weekends, me feeling like he didn't care at all about our relationship. I finally left last summer and went to my mom's- didn't tell him I was leaving just going to mom's. Ds and I didn't even make it 1 night away- dh was begging and pleading for me to bring the baby home. Our long talks on the phone that afternoon and night brought out a lot and changed things for the better. He didn't take me seriously until I left. Like a lot of the pp's though- it is not all perfect. Things slid back a little and there are still things that upset me daily. I think a lot about leaving and what it would be like to be on my own. I know I could do it. In fact in some ways I think it would be easier to not be disappointed and annoyed on a daily basis.

We all go through times like this I think. But your situation sounds especially rough since dh doesn't seem invested at all. I totally agree with EVERYTHING karmamama said. Also- it is doubtful that you can change him. If you know you are going to leave the situation just make sure to set yourself up for success first. Make a plan and follow it. If it means waiting 2 months to get everything in order then do it! Figure out the daycare and car things before you jump. It will be worth it in the end.

Good luck mama- and
Wendy :wave2: Single mama to Xander 5/12/05
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Old 01-18-2007, 12:58 PM   #53
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

I know I am late on this, but I wanted to give you some big hugs

I think as far as how much can you handle being solo, sounds like you are ALREADY doing solo, but on top of that dealing with the frustration and dissapointment because he is supposed to be contributing. At least if you are on your own, you know it, and know that it is 100% up to you to do it all.

I am so sorry you are going through this, i have a few friends who have gone through something similar and I know it is really tough. Maybe, just maybe, having you walk out with the kids will make him realize that a change in tune is in order, but maybe not. So if you walk (with the kids of course) just be prepared that either he will come begging back (and then you must decide if you are willing to try again after the hurt) or that he might wave goodbye and go on living his lifestyle.

Regardless of your decisions, we are here to support you!
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Old 01-23-2007, 07:11 PM   #54
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Re: how much could you handle doing it solo?

First to Homebirthmomma.... I went through a bad marriage where he cheated on me while I was preggers w/ ds. I did a lot of soul searching just like you are and finally decided to kick him out. I won't lie, it was HARD at first, so I can only imagine how it would be with our kiddos. My motto has always been, "I'd rather be miserable alone than with someone else".. You can make it. It's gonna be tough and hard on you and the kids, but talk to them. They can be such a source of strength for us mommas andmost kids would rather have moma nd dad seperated than to grow up in amiserable environment where no one was happy.

As for filing for divorce, I'm not sure what state you live in, but most have a seperation period before you can file. (In North Carolina, it's a year). If he is going to change, it "should" hit him during that time frame. By change I mean decide that his family is the most important thing in the world to him and that he can't live without ya'll.

If it was me, I'd def. make a plan, like some of these other mommas have said. Go open an account in your name only at a different bank, and start stashing some money in it. Set a date in your May 1st to leave. Tell him you are thinking about leaving and want to work it out, but it's gonna take both of you. Maybe he is just so immature that having the responsibility of a child is terrifying him so much that it's making him revert back to one himself. That is no excuse, but could explain the partying and being so selfish. Since you are a one income family, you should qualify for legal aid (lawyer if you decide to file). Also, being a SAHM, more than likely YOU would get the car and house... oh yeah and child and spousal support.

And to Martypants.... let me give you a little advise that my grandmother used to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything". Not such a great start to being a member here. We are here to support each other... if we wanted to be bashed we'd talk to the men in our lives!!!!! This momma didn't ask you to psychoanalize her relationship (of which you know NOTHING), she needs a shoulder and an ear and if you can't provide either in cases like these, don't post!!!!! I'm sure that most mommas would agree!
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