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Old 12-13-2009, 08:29 AM   #1
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Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

DH's x is sooooo infuriating!!!

First she sends clothes along for them to wear to church, then I find out they need to be washed still. Then DSD states very clearly at breakfast - "I didn't call you Mommy".

We went thru this with DSS, so I knew where it was coming from so I just said - That's fine. You don't have to. But NO ONE else gets to tell you what you should call me. YOU decide.

The bio grandma tells them they're not allowed to call me mom - yet they force the kids to call their stepdad Daddy. PICK a SIDE OF THE FENCE AND STAY ON IT!!!!!!!

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Old 12-13-2009, 08:33 AM   #2
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! blending families is a struggle. FWIW, when they are with you, you can dress them in whatever you want, right? That's just silly that she sends dirty clothes to be worn.

Just keep loving them.
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Old 12-13-2009, 08:46 AM   #3
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

Wow.
My ex husband's ex wife's family got SOOOO MAD when my oldest stepdaughter would call her mother "margey" because she couldn't say "grandma". "She's calling my mom monkey, and I don't like it!"
Uhhh, WTH? Seriously? Yet, she was okay with them calling me mommy, because they knew who their real mommy is? Okay, whatevs.
I agree, it should be your stepdaughter's choice. If she's comfortable calling you mom, by all means. She knows which mommy had her in her tummy.
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:04 PM   #4
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

how
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:18 PM   #5
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

We have a big blended family so I can relate to ex struggles. I would suggest that your DH & his ex have a specific conversation to decide once & for all who calls who what. Those are the 2 people who should be discussing & deciding this.

All our kids call their bio-parent "mom" or "dad" & their step-parent by their first name. That's what we prefer & what works for all of us. But it needs to be the same across the board, having the kids call their step-dad "daddy" but complaining about them calling step-mom "mommy" won't work & will just be confusing for them.
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Old 12-13-2009, 07:20 PM   #6
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Old 12-13-2009, 08:48 PM   #7
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

I can only imagine how frustrating that is
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Old 12-13-2009, 09:22 PM   #8
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by eljube112 View Post
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this! blending families is a struggle. FWIW, when they are with you, you can dress them in whatever you want, right? That's just silly that she sends dirty clothes to be worn.

Just keep loving them.
Oh, yes. and then to top it all off, the pants were so stained we couldn't get them clean anyway. We put him in different clothes - he was not going to church in stained dirty clothes! Sorry! grrrr.

I guess the bio grandma had bought (and apparently does every year?) all her grandkids matching outfits, so that's what they were supposed to wear. I still think she needs to back off, but whatever. It's only Dec 13. it's not Christmas, and x has the kids for Christmas - couldn't they have been all matching then?!?! GA!

Oh well. It's just clothing. ........ and I know that. Truly I do. I think DH thinks I over-react sometimes - but it's not just this one time thing - the clothes thing is a perfect symbol of the whole setup! They (x and her mom) are so controlling in every aspect that they even want to control what the kids wear when they're with us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by metalchick1000 View Post
Wow.
My ex husband's ex wife's family got SOOOO MAD when my oldest stepdaughter would call her mother "margey" because she couldn't say "grandma". "She's calling my mom monkey, and I don't like it!"
Uhhh, WTH? Seriously? Yet, she was okay with them calling me mommy, because they knew who their real mommy is? Okay, whatevs.
I agree, it should be your stepdaughter's choice. If she's comfortable calling you mom, by all means. She knows which mommy had her in her tummy.
Oh geez.

Exactly! Why the insecurity??! Why are they so insecure that they have the need to try to force the Daddy-bond with the stepdad - and so insecure that they won't "allow" the kids to call me whatever they choose?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ssand23 View Post
We have a big blended family so I can relate to ex struggles. I would suggest that your DH & his ex have a specific conversation to decide once & for all who calls who what. Those are the 2 people who should be discussing & deciding this.

All our kids call their bio-parent "mom" or "dad" & their step-parent by their first name. That's what we prefer & what works for all of us. But it needs to be the same across the board, having the kids call their step-dad "daddy" but complaining about them calling step-mom "mommy" won't work & will just be confusing for them.
It IS confusing! Poor DSS has had quite a time of it recently.

and to the bolded -
Oh how I wish that they could. Actually, in settling custody issues, they tried this. DH was convinced they could be peaceable and grown up about it all and not throw loads of money at lawyers. They would agree on something together and then together go and have it "legalized".

They met several times, and seemed to agree for the most part. DH let a few things slide and she got her way - he felt it wasn't that big a deal and he was still getting mostly what he thought was fair, etc.

Well, (mistake #2) he sent her to "legalize" it alone. Turns out - long story short - that he gets tricked into a final legal agreement that is NOTHING AT ALL like what they talked about and the lawyer won't speak to him because "he represents X. Go get your own lawyer." AND X got DH to pay half the lawyer fee! That wasn't even representing him, nor legalizing anything he wanted!!!

SO, all that to say, that they could talk about it - but chances of anything they talk about actually being followed thru are slim to none. Especially when the bio grandma gets involved. It's sad actually.


Thanks to everyone for the and good thoughts! It doesn't seem like much, but it totally helps.
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Old 12-13-2009, 09:30 PM   #9
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

That must be irritating!
My ex isn't around, and my girls hardly know him. They've been calling DH by his name, but since our DS was born, they've been slowly testing out "dad"....it's different for them and for me too!
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Old 12-13-2009, 09:32 PM   #10
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

So sorry you're having to go through this mama. At the moment we're not having to deal with DH's x or her family but that is exactly what they're like. DH's mom even seems ruffled that DSD calls me mommy AND SHE HATES HIS X! I'm still trying to convice DH to have her parental rights pulled so that there's no chance she'll try to show up again when she's "clean" since I know that won't last for long!!!
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