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Old 12-14-2009, 08:45 AM   #11
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

DSD is grounded and sent to her room if she refers to her bio dad as anything other than his first name. She has to call her step dad, dad and her bio dad (my dh), Andy.
Here, it's different. DSD calls her dad, dad, and calls me mom. It's been that way forever. Now she's so pissed at her own bio mom that when she's here she refers to her bio mom by her first name. That poor kid is so messed up, it's not funny. We just tell her she can call whomever she wants what she wants while she's here without repercussion. She's nearly 10 though and they can't control what she calls us while she's with us in our own home, kwim?

The only thing I can tell you is that it usually gets easier with the step kids themselves when they get a bit older and start to really form their own voice. They are harder to control. They begin to see what's really going on and start to learn by example. Most kids in blended family situations will begin to really separate their lives. They live one life at one home and another at the other home. They act accordingly and follow the rules accordingly. That comes with age. Be patient.

On the clothing thing, we have our own clothes for DSD while we have her. She comes to us with the clothes on her back and while she's here I wash them and we send her back in the same thing. We've done that since she was 4.

Why are your step kids still doing the church thing at 'their' church? We established very early on that we do our thing on our time (when we still lived in the same state) and they do their thing on their time. Bio mom signed DSD up for soccer one year, which was fine, but one game fell on our weekend and DSD was supposed to be at the fields at 8am for her game. DH was working that Sat and DD2 was 2 weeks old. DD1 was 18 months old. Bio mom was pissed cause I didn't take DSD to her game, but whatever. I wasn't about to get two babies up and out of the house for a game that DSD didn't want to play anyway. It was like 40 degrees outside. We always fought some type of resistance with that, but bio mom had no recourse.

I understand keeping the peace, I really do, but you also need to lay down some ground rules for your family also. Your world doesn't revolve around her and what she wants you to do. The time your DH is with his kids is just that, HIS time.

Also, you have a child of you own to worry about. I'm not taking things away from your step kids, but you can't be expected for your world and your DD's world (that has nothing to do with the ex) to revolve around what the ex wants.

PM me if you would like about this, but it sounds like it's time to revise a parenting plan. I can help you with this without the use of a lawyer. We've done it ourselves before.

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Old 12-14-2009, 01:08 PM   #12
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by WillowBuns8 View Post
DSD is grounded and sent to her room if she refers to her bio dad as anything other than his first name. She has to call her step dad, dad and her bio dad (my dh), Andy.
Here, it's different. DSD calls her dad, dad, and calls me mom. It's been that way forever. Now she's so pissed at her own bio mom that when she's here she refers to her bio mom by her first name. That poor kid is so messed up, it's not funny. We just tell her she can call whomever she wants what she wants while she's here without repercussion. She's nearly 10 though and they can't control what she calls us while she's with us in our own home, kwim?

The only thing I can tell you is that it usually gets easier with the step kids themselves when they get a bit older and start to really form their own voice. They are harder to control. They begin to see what's really going on and start to learn by example. Most kids in blended family situations will begin to really separate their lives. They live one life at one home and another at the other home. They act accordingly and follow the rules accordingly. That comes with age. Be patient.

On the clothing thing, we have our own clothes for DSD while we have her. She comes to us with the clothes on her back and while she's here I wash them and we send her back in the same thing. We've done that since she was 4.

Why are your step kids still doing the church thing at 'their' church? We established very early on that we do our thing on our time (when we still lived in the same state) and they do their thing on their time. Bio mom signed DSD up for soccer one year, which was fine, but one game fell on our weekend and DSD was supposed to be at the fields at 8am for her game. DH was working that Sat and DD2 was 2 weeks old. DD1 was 18 months old. Bio mom was pissed cause I didn't take DSD to her game, but whatever. I wasn't about to get two babies up and out of the house for a game that DSD didn't want to play anyway. It was like 40 degrees outside. We always fought some type of resistance with that, but bio mom had no recourse.

I understand keeping the peace, I really do, but you also need to lay down some ground rules for your family also. Your world doesn't revolve around her and what she wants you to do. The time your DH is with his kids is just that, HIS time.

Also, you have a child of you own to worry about. I'm not taking things away from your step kids, but you can't be expected for your world and your DD's world (that has nothing to do with the ex) to revolve around what the ex wants.

PM me if you would like about this, but it sounds like it's time to revise a parenting plan. I can help you with this without the use of a lawyer. We've done it ourselves before.
THANK YOU!!!!! Thank you for this post. I totally agree. I am going to pm you... just no time now. (I shouldn't be on the computer at all!!)

I totally agree that we should have our our thing happening when it's our weekend. But DH says we live in the same town now so it would only hurt the kids to (like last night) not let them be in their sunday school program. Plus he let X run his life and didn't have the backbone to break up with her for 6 years - so why do I think he'd stand up to her now? Especially when he sees it as not having a good enough reason to not go.

Anyway, that is all disjointed and garbled - but I'm totally going to pm you. THANK YOU!!!


eta: I just have to add that I think it's awesome that we CAN do things (like the program) since we do live in the same town - it's just that there needs to be a boundary. We can't live our whole life by her whims, wishes and schedule - and that's what we seem to be doing now. In the name of "keeping the peace." there COULD be and IS a compromise - but we're not using it.
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Last edited by Sakari; 12-14-2009 at 01:26 PM.
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Old 12-14-2009, 02:29 PM   #13
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

I know of some nasty backwater bayous no one would ever fine her in. J/K. My step dad wanted me to call him Dad. I said no, he said yes, I yelled for Mom...I won. That being said, I have called some of my closest friend's moms that I have grown up with Mom. They always treated the little group of us as one of their own.

Point is, it was all what was comfortable to me. I'm so sorry she's being like this, mama.
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Old 12-14-2009, 03:28 PM   #14
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

I can relate....I am divorced and my DS just met his bio dad 2 years ago Christmas eve after he came out of prison (now you see why we divorced).

Anyway, my DS has always known my current husband as his "dad" so obviously no one was going to DARE tell my DS he couldn't call his step dad "dad" when that's the guy that supported him for 3 years prior to his bio dad coming into the picture.

However, yes I was rather annoyed when my xh was making my DS call his gf of the week "mom" because they got engaged within the first 2 weeks of dating. Course that was about 3 "fiances" ago this past summer.

The current gf had the nerve to tell my DS this weekend that his mohawk is stupid and that if I let him get an earring she will take it right out. Oh no she won't touch my son. She too has only been in the picture for 3 weeks now. Touch my baby, I'll reach out and touch you.

But if my xh ever finally grows up and finds a normal girl to marry at a reasonable time (not another 1 week, hey let's get hitched!) then I would have no problem if my DS wanted to call her mom. As long as she's carring and good to him, she's a "mom" to him in my eyes...but unfortunately I don't see that happening with his psychotic choice of women. Don't get me wrong, I get along fine with my xh...it's the gfs.
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Old 12-14-2009, 04:13 PM   #15
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Re: Stop Trying to CONTROL us!!!!!!!!!

Wow that must be so frustrating!
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