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Old 12-28-2009, 12:10 PM   #1
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I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

You know what? I admit it. I finally admit it. My husband does not deserve the way I treat him. I can't even say how long this has been going on and it feels like I have no control over it. I've thought it could be a hormonal imbalance or something else chemically wrong with me. Heavy metal toxicity? I am so irritable when speaking with my husband almost ALL THE TIME. Then when I've been a creep for a week or so, it's so hard to get back to treating him normally. Like I'm thinking of things that he does that irritate me so I can keep the flames fueled. If my husband tells me he hates the way I talk to him I just feel like there's something evil or fundamentally wrong with me and that makes me even nastier.

Sure, he's irritating. He's a slob. Loses things, breaks things, is super disorganized and never completes any projects around the house. But nothing deserving of my hard, cold verbal ABUSE. He doesn't ever "let" me get away with it. He yells back. He says I have no right to talk to him like that. He asks me what the hell I'm doing still married to him. He says his life consists of trying not to make me mad---and that's NOT OK with me. I feel miserable, too. I get mad that he's not romantic or sweet. But why the heck would he be sweet to a witch like me? I am such a sweet soul (at least I feel that way deep inside) and the only person in the world that I treat badly is my husband. Why? I don't understand it. I admit it to him a hundred...a thousand times...I apologize...and I say I don't know why...that it runs out of me almost uncontrollably. Help me.

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Old 12-28-2009, 12:16 PM   #2
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

Your life might be too stressful to you. I often feel resentful and hold it against DH because he doesn't help out as much. I also work FT but I also have to cook/clean/etc. It drives me batty that he has more free time than I do.

I admit it too. I have a smart mouth with DH sometimes. People say counseling is the best way to handle it, and we are currently speaking with a professional for other reasons. It has helped a lot. Most of my anger issues come from things in the past, which I never connected. We are doing a lot better now.

I have also heard that the 5 love languages book might also help in deciphering your emotions and controlling your anger a bit.
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:21 PM   #3
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

I hope someone can give some good answers. I feel this same way a lot. Your not alone!
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:25 PM   #4
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

I would say maybe you can tell him how you feel about this and apologize and go from there.
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:29 PM   #5
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

Mama,
I am glad that you acknowledge it while you have a chance to change your behavior. I say this because my first marriage was to a wonderful man that I treated like dirt. I never meant to do it but in a way I felt like he would always love me and that I could "do whatever I wanted" and he would still always be there for me. He was a sweet, quiet man who was not perfect but as a husband was pretty darn close. I guess I felt like being mean and verbally aggressive at the time was my way to keep the upper hand so I wouldn't get hurt. Well...it backfired, one day he told me that he was "not happy" and wanted out. I begged and pleaded and offered to change and he told me it was too late. One month later when I was at work, I came home and everything of his was gone. There was nothing that I could do to convince him that I was willing to change and according to the therapist he went to (and asked me to attend while we were getting a divorce), I had devastated him. It turns out that I was never truly in love with him and fortunately we never had children together. One year later, I met my match and the rest is history. I continue to pray that Luis (my ex) has found a sweet, mild mannered wonderful woman just like him and that they go off into the sunset together. I am sharing this with you because I hope that you really do try to find the root of why you are treating him this way and address the issue immediately so that either you,he or both of you together get the help you need. All the best....
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:31 PM   #6
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

If you are a Christian, I highly recommend the book Love and Respect. I finally broke down and bought my own copy so that I can refer to it now and again
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:39 PM   #7
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem. I agree that you should go see a therapist, both alone and together to try and figure out the root of it all. I hope you find the answers you need
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Old 12-28-2009, 12:51 PM   #8
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

I'm not Christian anymore, but that doesn't mean I do not want to have a Christ-like (or Buddha-like, for that matter) attitude and demeanor when dealing with my husband. I have understanding and patience, long suffering and kindness a plenty. Why is it only with my husband I am this way? Something deeper is the issue, I agree with what you guys have said about that. I don't know why I am so turned off by the idea of counseling. Ugh. It reminds me of my parents, I guess. It didn't work for them...nothing worked for them. Not even the fact that my mother was a devout Christian. Maybe my parents tumultuous marriage has had a deeper affect on me than I realized.

Maybe we're not really in love. What if that was the case? I don't want a broken family. Is it worth it to try and find out the deep roots of the problem, if it just makes me realize I'll never feel truly content in this marriage? I don't want to find out that we really don't love each other. Sigh.
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:00 PM   #9
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Old 12-28-2009, 01:22 PM   #10
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Re: I treat my husband like crap...and I want to change! Help!

I would say the only thing is counselling. You cant change it by yourself and you know this. if you do not get help, most likely he will leave and I don't blame him. Coming from a previous relationship where I was verbally/mentally abused to the extreme this sickens me to even read. I know you are remorseful but that it not enough, if you do truly care then you need to get help now. First for yourself and then when your therapist feels ready, both you and your husband.
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