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Old 02-01-2010, 05:28 PM   #1
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WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

OK, here is the situation. DD was about seven months when she spent the night with my ILs. I wasn't ready to have it happen, but DH and I both had Swine Flu and we did NOT want her to catch it, for obvious reasons. Well, she was there for an entire week. Then, afterwards she would spend the night maybe once every two weeks. My MIL says she LOVES having her over, but she always leaves DD in care of FIL who has NO experience raising children...he was overseas until my DH was 2, so he has no clue how to care for a child her age. However, she leaves him to do diaper changes, feedings, baths, putting to bed...well, everything. If DD has a dirty diaper, she will literally stay in it until FIL gets home. She has had serious rash from this. Anyway, for a while she seemed to greatly enjoy her time over there, although (resonably, I think) she is more attatched to FIL. Lately, though, when she sees them, she will kind of smile, and then if she thinks she is leaving with them, she will start crying. I would call it normal seperation anxiety, but she doesn't do this with anyone else.

Also, whenever she stays over there, she wakes up 3-4 times during the night crying? I just can't understand it because she sleeps through the night at home and always has, since she was a few weeks old. DH thinks she does not enjoy being over and has suggested we only have her spend the night over there when it is an emergency.

The only thing is, I am pregnant, and sometimes I need a few hours to clean up, or rest, or whatever. MIL is the only one who will take her, but she won't unless she spends the night

We have broached the topic with her that we don't think we will be having her spend the night there as much, but she pretends she doesn't hear us and talks about the "next time" DD spends the night. She is like that, she has selective hearing.

There have been other things that have happened...I feel some people might say I am biased because she is my MIL, but I KNOW my DD, and she just doesn't seem to enjoy herself anymore. I hate that, because it is hard on me to think now I will have NO one to take her when I need a break. It was DH's idea but...what do you guys think? Is it in her best interests to stay home? Its not like she isn't used to be away...she is seperated from me and Dh twice a week while we're in school and three times a week for church, for a period of at least four hours at a time...I am just so unsure. Help please!!

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Old 02-01-2010, 05:37 PM   #2
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

I would probably beg her to take her for a few hours, but cut out the spending the night for the most part. I can't imagine she doesn't want to see her, so maybe if you cut out the spending the night and she knows it's for real, she'll accept it and just watch her some during the day for you.

I understand needing a break! I'm praying preschool is open tomorrow (ice storm here) because I NEED my kid to go. He needs to run off some energy!
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:50 PM   #3
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

I would just not let her spend the night over there. She is your dd, not your mil's.

If this is that important to you, then you will need to decide if you are going to bend to her demand of letting your dd spend the night when she cares for her. She is doing you a favor, and may just decide that she's not going to help out if you say that your dd isn't spending the night.
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Old 02-01-2010, 05:53 PM   #4
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

Do you have any other mama friends from preschool or church or neighbors? You can make playdates for them where you switch off a few hours here & there? Every mama needs a break!
The care she is getting doesn't sound that great, being left is dirty diapers & not being happy. I know it's free but still. I might cut it down to a few hours only, definately not overnight. Maybe DD just doesn't want to be there that long anymore.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:11 PM   #5
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

I would keep her home. We had a similar issue with my in laws. They live 40 minutes away and would only take her if sometimes if she could spend the night. She would rarely nap there, nights were long and it was just a disaster. I put a stop to it even though my DH really wanted her to go there and have that time to bonding. I know how exhausting it is to have a toddler and be pregnant but I would just do whatever I could and keep her home if she is honestly not happy. You will have to be taking care of two soon and you will figure out how to make it all work.
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Old 02-01-2010, 06:40 PM   #6
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

Thanks, Mamas, I really needed the advice...and you're all probably right!
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Old 02-01-2010, 09:01 PM   #7
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

I wouldn't leave her to spend the night if she's not comfortable with it. As for needing a break, I would recommend seeing if there are any homeschooled teenagers that you could get to know, who could come over and be a mother's helper. They would stay there at the house with you, but they would keep your LO occupied while you go things done or just relaxed or whatever.
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Old 02-01-2010, 09:18 PM   #8
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

I wouldn't send her overnight. I would also develop my own "selective hearing" in response to MIL's behavior. My own mother acts the same way (she is "unstable" shall we say) & always asked to "have Z" and "when can she spend the night?" I just changed the subject or told her that Z doesn't spend the night anywhere but home.

It stinks because you are kinda stuck, but I would be concerned about the change in dd's behavior in response to the overnights...
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Old 02-01-2010, 09:26 PM   #9
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Re: WWYD? Would you stop your child from spending the night with ILs?

It sounds like your gut is telling you to not let her spend the night. I always believe in following your first instinct. If MIL wants to have her, maybe she can come to your house to watch her??
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