wondering about punishments...

[the clothes snoob]

ok, so my daughter did something i had told her not to do before, and she did it again anyways...totally something ramdom and dumb, but i was so mad at her for doing it the first time, i gave her an insane punishment threat for her the next time she did it. well, tonight she did it again.
the punishment was that she would not be able to play softball this season, lame, and insane, i know, but i honestly didn't think she would do it again, as i didn't think she would risk her softball.

now i am crushed, i don't want to lose softball. i love every aspect of it, i love going to her games, i love seeing her play, i love the fact that she is so darned good at it.
i HATE the fact that i used her softball against her as a punishment, and now i am wondering this... should i negotiate her punishment with her, say, if she comes to me and tries to negotiate it, should i?
say, take away the next 5 trips to the mall, or sleepovers... or do i HAVE to stick to my guns on this one?
I am madder at myself for using her softball as a punishment, than i am at her for doing the crime.

[sourpatch_babe]

I believe that once a threat of something escapes your lips you must stick to your guns no matter how much it may hurt you/the child (not physical hurt). Thing is that your daughter *knew* what was expected of her and she *knew* what the punishment for breaking those expectations were. If you back off now, she will take that inch and run a mile with it.

[jveprek]

I feel like it's imporant that you do give her a consequence. Now, maybe you can explain to her that you feel you were too harsh and come up with something else BUT obviousy she didn't learn the first time, so she might need a harder consequence. Maybe give her two choices, equally not fun, and let her choose one?

[Kaboom]

I think it depends... I'm usually a 'stick to your guns' gal myself, but how will taking away softball affect her? Will it make her act out and begin to act worse?? My mother once (when I was in school, obviously) threatened to take away cheerleading if I got anything below a B - and I got a C in a class and she DID take cheer away. All it made me do was get angry, resentful, and stop caring about grades all together because I felt there was no longer a reason to work for them (cheer was my only sport/hobby... basically the only thing I did HAHA).

If you think this won't happen, you should probably stick to your guns and just take softball away. If you may be worried soemthing like this would happen, I'd modify the punishment (NOT negotiate) and maybe add something else.

Explain that you think taking softball AWAY would be extreme, but that she'll be supervised for practice, games, etc... and maybe go as far as driving her to her games (not letting her take the bus with her friends), NO going out afterwards for won-game celebrations, etc... ALL she'll get to do is play. Period.

[catchthewind]

Personally I disagree. I think it's okay to say you were wrong, especially if the punishment is really overboard for whatever she did. In fact, I actually think it's beneficial for kids to see us admit to mistakes and see how we deal with those mistakes. Also, if the "crime" was really random and small compared to the punishment, I think you're more likely to build resentment in her for it than to actually be sorry for whatever it was she did, if that makes sense. She's more likely to be mad that you took away something you both enjoy for something small than to be sorry she did whatever she did. My parents used to have insane punishments for small things quite frequently and it didn't make any of us want to be "good", it just made us not want to get caught being "bad" and then be resentful if we were caught.

[wild fire child]

I believe wholeheartedly in a punishment to fit the crime. If she acted out by using a softball bat to hit something, I may take away softball, but if she acted out by sneaking and stealing I wouldn't, as it has nothing to do with softball. I do really believe in showing that you are really serious with consequences, but in this case it might be a good learning experience to sit her down for a serious talk and say that you feel that you were rash because you were so frustrated with her, and therefore you would like to change the punishment. Make sure it's not a lighter punishment, but try to come up with something that makes sense with the crime. Tell her that you want her to be able to continue with softball because she needs an outlet for her energy (NOT because she loves it), and that because (hypothetical crime, plus I don't know her age) she took your makeup she would not be allowed to wear makeup for the next month.
Alternatively, if you can't find a punishment to fit the crime, tell her that she has an opportunity to win back softball by volunteering for x number of hours at a senior center of habitat for humanity. If she wants softball, she may go the extra mile, if she doesn't feel the need then you can stick to that punishment.
All of this is assuming that your daughter is older lol

[PurpleRina]

Absolutely NO negotiating. But there is a HUGE difference between negotiating and admitting that you were wrong. IF you decide that "no softball" is not an appropriate consequence for the undesirable behavior, you need to be the one to initiate the conversation about a change of consequences. "Negotiating" implies that she can "talk you out" of a consequence. Admitting that you spoke out of frustration and that this was wrong will show her how one should behave when wrong. Negotiation shows indecisiveness.....admitting wrong doing displays strength and courage.

Let us know what you decide and how it goes!

[PurpleRina]

Originally Posted by wild fire child I believe wholeheartedly in a punishment to fit the crime. If she acted out by using a softball bat to hit something, I may take away softball, but if she acted out by sneaking and stealing I wouldn't, as it has nothing to do with softball. I do really believe in showing that you are really serious with consequences, but in this case it might be a good learning experience to sit her down for a serious talk and say that you feel that you were rash because you were so frustrated with her, and therefore you would like to change the punishment. Make sure it's not a lighter punishment, but try to come up with something that makes sense with the crime. Tell her that you want her to be able to continue with softball because she needs an outlet for her energy (NOT because she loves it), and that because (hypothetical crime, plus I don't know her age) she took your makeup she would not be allowed to wear makeup for the next month. Alternatively, if you can't find a punishment to fit the crime, tell her that she has an opportunity to win back softball by volunteering for x number of hours at a senior center of habitat for humanity. If she wants softball, she may go the extra mile, if she doesn't feel the need then you can stick to that punishment. All of this is assuming that your daughter is older lol

Oh and this was an EXCELLENT response!

[tonewinwy]

Sounds like your Daughter is a pretty good player and enjoys playing, sounds like you really enjoy watching her. Maybe talk with her and see if another Punishment can take place of taking away Softball.

[luckymum]

Stick to your beliefs.

I believe you would not be doing your daughter a favour by changing her punishment....unless you want to hear her bargain for a different punishment every time.

I remember I threatend my son with "you will spend the rest of the day in you room" He continued his behaviour and to his room he went. That was at 11:00am on a beautiful sunny day That kept me and my DD stuck in the house with him. I have never had to follow through with this punishment again so he must have gotten something out of it

GL mama