What do you do w/a preschool bully?

[Emma]

Ivy has been at her daycare for working on 2 yrs. Ever since she started there, if Ivy has been hit, had her hair pulled, been scratched, had something taken away/broken....it almost always been one little girl. I was really happy when Ivy moved up from the toddler room to the 3's room b/c she got away from this girl. Of course, when she turned 3 as well, she moved and the hitting, etc...started up again. For the most part it's been sporadic, but recently, it seems to have picked up. It doesn't help that their cubbies are next to each other. I guess I've hit my last straw with this. Last week, Ivy brought a flower in for show and share (a carnation I got at work for Valentine's). When I picked her up, there was tape on it. I asked her what happened, she said X broke it. I asked if it was on accident; no it was on purpose. B/c parent/teacher conferences are next week, I figured I would bring up the frequent picking on of my child. Well, today I picked Ivy up and she had two scratches on her check. Both had drawn blood, and one had a small gouge at the end. Guess who? I made the comment to the teacher that pretty much every time Ivy has something happen to her, it has been caused by X. The teacher's response was that X went into a long time out.

So now I'm wondering if I shouldn't wait for the conference next week, and go in early to talk to the teacher. I am sick of my child being picked on (she's not the only one that X picks on). This has been going on for working on 2 yrs and this little girl's behavior hasn't changed. I'm assuming they've talked to the parents, but it hasn't done any good. I want my child to defend herself, but I don't want to encourage her to hit back. I also can't tell Ivy how I really feel about this girl b/c it's not appropriate for me to tell my child one of her classmates is a little sh!t. As far as I'm concerned this child is a bully. Her treatment of Ivy has affected her at home. Ivy carries on conversations w/herself, and recently the conversations center around chastising X for hitting other kids in her classroom. To me, that is not good.

What do I do? I've sent DH an email asking his opinion, but he might not get back to me for a day or so.

[jac1976]

I would talk to the school now and let them know you mean business. The least they can do is move your daughter's cubby. I understand that kids can be mean at times and lash out, but the fact that it is happening over and over again is inexcusable. Clearly time outs are not working for this child, and they need to find another appropriate solution.

[bonnie231]

IMO that child probably needs to be removed from the school. Does the school have an official policy on hitting, biting, etc.? Some will expel a child after the 2nd or third offense. Has anyone talked to her parents about this behavior?

[mom2kaydncolt]

Yes at the daycare I worked at we removed children for excessive violent behavior be it biting or whatever. We also had to fill out and send home an incident report for each time - to both children's parents. A copy of the reports stayed in the children's files. So when a parent complained about too much we could see that they had 10 or whatever reports in their file etc. I would def talk to the director - not the teacher. I was a teacher and we had little to no authority on this type of thing. This is a matter for the director.

[Emma]

I'm going to leave work early to talk to the teacher about this. If it persists, I will go to the director. I know I'm not the only parent who's upset about this b/c coincidentally, one of my supervisor's granddaughter goes to the same daycare and is in the same room as Ivy. He said her father has complained about X's behavior.

As far as incident reports, I haven't seen any in a long time. There wasn't one last night w/the bloody scratches. I know about the incidents either b/c Ivy says, "X did (blank) to me", or b/c the teacher mentions it. She's coming home at least once a week saying X has done something to her.

I have no clue if anyone has talked to the parents. My assumption is that they have b/c this has been going on for so long. It is one of the questions I plan on asking today.

DH has seen X's parents a lot more than I have (when he's home, he's the one who takes Ivy in and picks her up). He thinks a lot of the reason she picks on other kids is b/c she doesn't get a lot of attention at home. He has other choice words regarding her parents, but they're not entirely appropriate. I feel bad about disliking this little girl when I know her behavior is symptomatic of her homelife.

I guess we'll see how this goes. I don't really condone violence, but I'm about ready to tell Ivy that if X does something to her, she need to haul off and hit her.

[doodah]

Definitely talk to the director. There is only so much the other kids and parents should have to bear in an effort to get this child through the hitting, etc. stage. If it has been going on for so long then it is clearly not something she will be growing out of. It's a shame that she is in this situation but you have to look out for your own child first.

[ceslade]

Personally I'd start looking for a new preschool. What is the deal with these people? It is one thing that they apparently have no control over that little monster child...it is something else that they don't even bother to bring it up to you. The whole scratched up cheek thing is out of line! RIDICULOUS! I'd start looking for someplace else to put my daughter and I'd tell them exactly why. They do not deserve your business or the right to have your daughter. As for dealing with bullies that is a rough one. I had this friend whose son would just not leave my kid alone. I remember one day we actually made darling son cry because DH and I were play acting with each other an example of how to shove that kid off should he put his hands on him again. Yes I have a super sensitive kid! You could try giving daughter some tools to work with. Why not teach her to yell out really loud, "GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME NOW!" or "GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY STUFF NOW!" whenever this child comes near her. Of course what do I know...I finally just stopped hanging out with that friend because she was in total denial of the fact that her kid was a butt. Had I seen her say something to him just once I maybe wouldn't have...but no nothing. The day he bit son so hard he drew blood and left I huge mouth bruise (he was four at the time) I said ENOUGH and cut off the friendship!

[Emma]

I'm going to head over to her daycare around 1:30. The kids will be down for their naps, so there shouldn't be any distractions.

[doodah]

I'd love to hear an update....

[MCR]

Originally Posted by doodah I'd love to hear an update....

Me too.
After going on so long, I think I would teach my child to defend herself from this girl, role pay with her and teach her it's not OK for anyone to put their hands on her and hurt her. Maybe when your Dd turns and defends herself the school will get serious.
Ds had a child in K that was a constant problem, not just to him but to all the kids, Ds would avoid the child, but eventually it got too much, he bit Ds hand and drew blood, I was furious, the child ended up with a behavior plan or something and was eventually moved to a special school of some sort. But Ds did smack him back a couple of times and when the teacher said what happened, I said, well who can blame him, I wouldn't stand there and be a punching bag either. Serves the other child right. Ds was never punished for it, even though there is a zero tolerance in effect.