sibling rivalry

[titania]

Originally Posted by Ami in Deutschland Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish is an awesome book if you are worried about your daughters developing an unhealthy relationship. Your older sister sounds like someone to avoid.

this book is really eye-opening. there is a chapter (or maybe more, i can't remember) about adult siblings. you might benefit from reading it. check your local library.

[BrookeN]

Ugh, well I certainly hope that not all older sibs feel this way!

[n3w2cl0th]

IMHO sibling rivalry is more about parenting than anything....my younger brother is 9 yrs younger than me...I hated him almots on sight. He and his dad (at the time my moms boyfriend, now OUR dad) took my mother away from me...I went from being an only child, who was doted upon and spoiled and loved and the only thing my single parent mother cared about...to being HER. I was just there...my brother got all of my mothers love, and I was in trouble every time he cried, whined, sniffled, ANYTHING<>....my mother was short of temper to begin with (which I was used to) but after he came, it got worse...but what made it worse for me was seeing her ignore things he did bad, when I got slapped, or spanked for the same thing...bottom line; she treated us differently.

I believe resentment starts when siblings feel like their are being treated differently..as an adult I recognize it was not my brothers fault and we have a better relationship...but as a child...and even into my early 20s talking to him could bring on fits of rage...because he was so superior acting...because our mother had treated him better...she had given him preferential treatment (him and our younger brother) and HE KNOWS IT....he admitted to me that he took advantage of that, and even deliberately got me in trouble for things I didnt do, simply because mom believed him and not me.

Now, Im not saying all sibling rivalrys go this way...but this is my experience...now, I never wanted to stab my brother or wanted to geniunely hurt him...but I have said things like I wanted to hit him with a rock...not that I would do it, just sick humor...I think maybe your sister is using dark humor to cope...and it may not be anything YOU did, or any bad feelings she harbours for you...just bad feelings and memories because of situations...kwim?

[magooken]

i will definitely keep an eye on them. but for now, i think things are a-okay. my 3 year-old is not the type to say things just to make you happy (not sure what age kids start doing that?). she's brutally honest, so when she says she likes her sister, i believe her. she has also NEVER done anything to try and injure the baby. we'll just keep going as we are and let my sister's comments pass. i agree with setting a good example, though, with me and my sister's relationship. i'll look into those books. i think the library has the older edition of Siblings without Rivalry. thanks so much for everyone's input!

[Amaggiepie]

I didnt read all the responses...

I am the oldest of 8 - and while my closest in age sister and I (4 years apart) didnt get along until we were older, it wasn't because I was jealous of the attention she got or anything. I was always very much a loner and was studious, etc. I loved to read and do things alone and got really good grades. My sister is very melodramatic and always has to be the center of attention. So I would tease her to get her riled up because I thought it was funny, and she would get on my nerves by insisting on being around me, playing with me, and touching my stuff when all I wanted was to be alone. We really grew up pretty much hating each other but I dont think it was ever a jealous/attention issue. Although I do know for a fact that in her melodrama my sister often complained that I got to do "everything" and that I was "perfect" and that mom loved me more, etc. etc. just because I had more privlegdes as I was older and always did good in school and behaved myself. But she really did know none of it was true, she just liked to throw a fit to get what she wanted and knew this would hurt/annoy my mom. We do get along now though, FYI. We laugh about how mean we used to be to each other now.

It doesn;t necessarily mean that my children will be like this with each other, or yours OP. Kids are all individuals and I think that there are a lot of factors that play into sibling rivlarly based on personalities rather than the actual amount of attention or lack thereof that each child receives.

[cms330]

Originally Posted by magooken i don't really want to do that. in the past year she's gone through divorce and infertility, so she's having a rough time.

That stabbing comment was a creepy thing to say, but this explains a lot. Any feelings of rivalry she might have felt toward you as a child are probably magnified now that you have children and she can't, kwim?