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Old 04-13-2010, 05:06 PM   #11
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Ami in Deutschland
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Re: You know all those things that "baby trainers" acuse babies of...

This seems to be unruly 3 year-old night. Or maybe I'm just reading all the posts that are relevant to me. The scene you describe at the breakfast table is soooo familiar. I've been feeling like you do, that DS just wants to make me "dance." But I realize that he can't make me dance. I have given him that power and I can take it away by trying to meet the need behind the constant stream of requests instead of fulfilling demand after demand.

I've decided to go back to my copy of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and really DO each section, one week at a time. This week it's helping your child deal with feelings.

At the same time, I'm going to apply the idea from Barbara Colorosso(?) not to repeat a request more than once. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. I tried it this morning- no nagging DS to get dressed. Just asked him once and reminded him each time he wanted to go downstairs that he wasn't ready yet. This kid NEVER gets ready on his own when you ask him, so I was really impressed with how effective it was to stop nagging. He put on his shirt by himself and had his pants on but unzipped when he called me for help.
Sometimes I think his constant stream of demands is really just a reflection of my constant stream of demands on him. So stop the nagging and maybe the crying over toast will end too.


Little Bear almost 3 years old and Baby Bear 15 Months
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:45 PM   #12
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Re: You know all those things that "baby trainers" acuse babies of...

Aw, stringbean, it sounds like normal separation anxiety at his age.

OP - when children learn the power of communication, they learn that specific requests get them specific things. They also can't describe complex things well. They might say they want a grilled cheese, but not be able to tell you they're thinking of a grilled cheese like the one they had last week cut into triangles with a certain bread. So they become emotionally overwhelmed pretty easily.

Three is a notoriously tough age. It's ok to let your child know that tantrums, but also use this time as an opportunity to teach her how to get what she wants and needs by being polite and nice. Maybe she could help you in some way with the oatmeal, or whatever she is asking for? Then she won't be distracted or forget that she asked for oatmeal.
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Old 04-13-2010, 09:05 PM   #13
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Re: You know all those things that "baby trainers" acuse babies of...

Throwing tantrums is part of a 3 year olds job. It is their job to try to get you to do whatever they want. That's how their brains are wired, to be selfish. I'm sure it reassures them when mommy or daddy jump up 15 times to get 15 different snacks. If you are consistent she will learn that her world is not ending just because mommy didn't do exactly what she wants. The choices thing is great. What worked for me was seeing the actual tantrum as something I couldn't stop, just my son. So i would put him in a safe space, tell him I would talk when he was done, and leave. He only got those few words from me, no I'm sorrys, nothing to reinforce the tantrum. Tears I would talk through but not tantrums. We really had very few tantrums (relatively) maybe 1 a week for awhile, he still has about 1 a month (he's 5) when he's tired, but they are short lived.
Suzi, working mama to my ODS(2004) , YDS(2006), DSD(2004) and married to the love of my life
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Old 04-13-2010, 11:00 PM   #14
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Re: You know all those things that "baby trainers" acuse babies of...

Originally Posted by Michelle_M View Post
I thought "terrible twos, what where they talking about? My toddler is so sweet and well behaved for 2." Then he turned three, and wow!

We worked through it. He is usually a really good boy, but still likes to test limits, antagonize his little brother and just act like a 5 year old.

And my 2 1/2 year old has some serious attitude issues. And he is VERY passionate about his emotions. Whatever emotion he is feeling.. .wheather it be affection, anger, feelings hurt, compassion.. whatever emotion.. he feels it VERY strongly and passionately. Makes for some real terrible temper tantrums.. oh yeah, and he holds a grudge! LOL If he gets scolded, he won't talk to me or come near me for like an hour (or his dad if dad is the one who scolded him). It's kina funny.

And you're right.. babies cannot manipulate, they just want to feel secure. But toddlers, they are feeling out the world around them and trying to see just what they can get by with, and they feel their emotions so purely and strongly. More so than we do, I think, because we can rationalize things on a higher level.

I don't really have any advice, but to say stick it out, do the best you can do, and you'll get through it!
Totally this.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:22 AM   #15
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Re: You know all those things that "baby trainers" acuse babies of...

wow this is my 3 yr old DS and was my 3 yr old DD..I have come to the conclusion that I HATE 3s they are FAR worse than 2 Hang in there it does get better. I went through the breakfast thing this morning with DS. He asked for cereal I made cereal..NO then he wants a banana I give banana NO then he want a bagal it is an EVERYDAY thing here with him.
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Old 04-14-2010, 10:41 AM   #16
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Re: You know all those things that "baby trainers" acuse babies of...

3 is one of my least favorite stages.

You're not letting her cry it out. You're not giving in to a tantrum. Toddlers do manipulate, because they're learning how to relate to people and get what they want. Its your job to stay consistent.
Mom to Alex (c-section, 4/05), Linds (VBAC, 5/07) and PJ (2VBAC, 1/09)
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