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Old 05-13-2010, 02:31 PM   #1
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Red face Am I being too nice??

My 16 yr.old was caught shoplifting around the end of April. I took her phone away, she was banned from friends, myspace and facebook and of course going anywhere besides school.
To me she has learned her lesson cuz she knows I won't stand for this type of behavior. To her stepfather she screwed up majorly but then again he only ever notices her when she screws up as in getting mouthy, arguing with her sister, brother type thing. He even had the nerve to say that in other countries they cut thieves hands off and that he does't think she should drive and that I should drug test her and also go thru all her items in her bedroom, yada yada yada. Also I would like to add that his dd was caught stealing from us when she would come on visits and he did absolutely nothing about it but this time around because its this particular child he went off the deep end. And so thats my issue-him and trying to avoid an arguement about me being to lenient on her.
I gave her phone back yesterday and now she's wants to go to an amusement pk. this Sat. with her good friend and her family. I want to say yes but at the same time want to say no because I know once my dh finds out he's gonna throw it in my face and we'll argue and I'm just drained from arguing with this man.
So I need some outside the box advice. Am I being too lenient on her. TIA

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Old 05-13-2010, 02:41 PM   #2
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Re: Am I being too nice??

I don't know if your daughter is a good kid otherwise who just had a lapse in judgement or what, but that's something you know. If that's the case, a solution could be to allow her to go if you trust that this friend and family are a good influence for her, but have a serious sit down with her beforehand about why she shoplifted, why it was wrong, and to set specific consequences for what will happen if it ever happens again. Since it's only been a few weeks since the incident, I would hesitate to just go back completely to normal; did the store press an any charges and were there any legal ramifications for her? Perhaps a parent-mandated sentence of community service is in order as well.
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Old 05-13-2010, 02:42 PM   #3
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Re: Am I being too nice??

No, I don't think so, if you feel she learned her lesson there is no reason to ground her for more than a week or so in my opinion. I think you should probably have a talk with your husband alone about him supporting your parenting decisions, whatever they may be. Hopefully you guys will be happily married a lot longer than you will be dealing with teenagers and their (completely normal) screw ups.
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Old 05-13-2010, 03:18 PM   #4
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Re: Am I being too nice??

Quote:
Originally Posted by amphibology29 View Post
I don't know if your daughter is a good kid otherwise who just had a lapse in judgement or what, but that's something you know. If that's the case, a solution could be to allow her to go if you trust that this friend and family are a good influence for her, but have a serious sit down with her beforehand about why she shoplifted, why it was wrong, and to set specific consequences for what will happen if it ever happens again. Since it's only been a few weeks since the incident, I would hesitate to just go back completely to normal; did the store press an any charges and were there any legal ramifications for her? Perhaps a parent-mandated sentence of community service is in order as well.
Since she's a minor the store didn't pess charges. Most the cop said was she'd maybe have community svc. since its her first offense.

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Originally Posted by angelarose View Post
No, I don't think so, if you feel she learned her lesson there is no reason to ground her for more than a week or so in my opinion. I think you should probably have a talk with your husband alone about him supporting your parenting decisions, whatever they may be. Hopefully you guys will be happily married a lot longer than you will be dealing with teenagers and their (completely normal) screw ups.
I wish we could have a human being to human being talk but when it comes to my kids his way is harsh and we only end up not speaking for days. It also doesn't help that he's a C.O. he likes to think he needs to treat them like inmates and I'm constantly calling him out on it which makes me the bad person in his eyes, and in my eyes you better believe it!!!
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Old 05-13-2010, 03:23 PM   #5
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Re: Am I being too nice??

Did u put a time limit on her punishment? U gave back the phone did she get ll her rights back? If so u can't keep punishing her forever...if not then it's up to u
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Old 05-13-2010, 03:37 PM   #6
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Re: Am I being too nice??

If she has "served her time" so to speak, then I think you should allow her to go. Maybe ask that she check in several times during the day and possibly speak to the parent at that time? But like PP said, she can't be punished forever
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Old 05-13-2010, 03:54 PM   #7
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Re: Am I being too nice??

Children and teens can be impulsive and rash and they make mistakes but she shouldn't be blacklisted by your DH for life due to something that a lot of kids will do at one point in their life. As long as you feel that she's learned her lesson and she's been disciplined then I'd say go with your intuition, she is YOUR daughter, it's your choice.
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:04 PM   #8
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Re: Am I being too nice??

I think your being fair,
even really good kids make really big mistakes.
I know I was a "good" kid but boy did I make some really stupid mistakes...
including shoplifting, never got caught but boy do I feel bad about it now!
Make sure she understands stealing from a store is as bad as stealing from a person...
I would never take a thing from a person or family owned store but it didn't seem that bad to steal from a huge company.
Also if she was with a friend, don't forbid that friendship unless you know forsure that the other girl reealllyyy is a bad influence.
As long as you talk with her about it, make sure she actually learned her lesson, knows what she did is wrong, knows how dissappointed you are etc.
I'd say let it go, she probably feels terrible as is. Let her go to the amusement park.
Goodluck Mama!
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Old 05-13-2010, 04:15 PM   #9
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Re: Am I being too nice??

If you set a time limit on the grounding and that limit is not up yet, then I wouldn't let her go... the point of grounding is you miss out on stuff, and learn that when you behave you will be trusted and given more rights
If there was no specific time limit, then I guess it would be up to you to know if the grounding thus far has had the impact it needs to; do you think she's learned her lesson, has she bahaved while grounded, etc.
I think in general it sounds like you have responded well, and she has had to deal with the consequences of her actions... she has to be given a chance again at some point, to show that she learned. If you think now is the time to give her that chance, then go for it and be confident in your decision I don't have teenagers so I'm only offering advice based on how my rents dealt with me and how I plan to deal with things like this when the need arises!
I don't know if you did this already or not, but I would think a good consequesnce for stealing is to pay back the store in some way. I stole cigarettes when I was like 5... I know, crazy stupid, but I had older friends and we thought we were cool. I had to pay for the cigs and apologize to the store manager... highly embrarrsing, very effective, and it "matched the crime" as people say.
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Old 05-13-2010, 06:46 PM   #10
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Re: Am I being too nice??

So she's been grounded for like what..2 weeks? I don't think that is long enough for stealing..hello she STOLE something!!! It's not like she just stayed out past curfew or broke a household rule. IMO that's a major offense and needs more punishment than 2 weeks. I definitely concur that if you said she was grounded for a month and you are already giving in then you haven't taught her anything. I don't think it's just a "when they learn there lesson they can be off the hook" thing. She just know's that next time she does something bad she'll be grounded for a couple weeks and then be back to normal. I am not into harsh punishment but I think stealing deserves harsher than grounding for 2 weeks.
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