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Old 05-14-2010, 02:30 PM   #1
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Family unsupportive of vbac?

Actually, only my mom. Originally, I had planned on having a repeat c-section. It was never what I wanted to do, it was what was easier for everyone else, especially my mom. With a scheduled c-section, she'd be able to come up and take care of dd (she's in NC, I'm in MD.) Well, needless to say, dh and I did a lot of talking between the two of us and with doctors and decided that we'd go for a VBAC. We want more than 2 kids and I just really don't want to have another c-section. I know the possibility is still there with an attempted VBAC, but at least I can say I tried!

The issue is that I made this decision over a month and a half ago and my mom is STILL making little comments here and there. It's really starting to piss me off and it hurts my feelings that she isn't more supportive. I'm already scared of delivering vaginally, as I've never done it before, and I could use all the support I can get. But no, she has to make snide little remarks. Things like "Well, he'd be here already if you scheduled his delivery" (um, no, he wouldn't. He wouldn't be here for at least another 2 weeks.) She always has to mention how a teacher at her school has scheduled a repeat c-section and doesn't have the horribly negative attitude that I have towards the surgery. . And how her family gets to be there because it's scheduled and they know when to be there. Or how I'm not going to end up with a c-section anyways because my kids have big heads (DD is in the 97th+ percentile for head size and DS's head measured a month larger than the rest of his body at his ultrasound a few months ago.)

It's really frustrating. I want to be able to talk to her about my pregnancy without these comments. I can't complain about ANYTHING pregnancy related because somehow it gets turned back to a c-section. Seriously, somehow me having a scheduled c-section in 3 weeks would make me feel more comfortable right now? Yeah...okay.

Keep in mind, she had 3 vaginal deliveries. So for her to lecture me on my attitude towards something she's never even experienced really upsets me She's always very critical of family members who are too outspoken about things that are none of their business, yet here we are....

Anyone else have family problems like this?

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Old 05-14-2010, 02:43 PM   #2
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

We had a similar problem when we decided to do a homebirth with our second. We were induced in the hospital with our first. My mom was completely unsupportive and made snarky comments until she met my midwife and she gave her all of the research why it's safe. Then I went over with her again why we personally wanted to do it above and beyond the research and basically told her that if she was not going to get on board I didn't want her there. I think that's what got her to join the team in the end.

There are a ton of reasons to go for a Vbac not only for you but for your baby's health as well. This is a great website-- www.vbac.com --would sharing something like this help?

In the end though you and your family have made a decision that is based on what is right for you and your baby--maybe ask her what is more important the health of you/your baby or making it convenient for her?

Good luck! You can do it!
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Old 05-14-2010, 03:06 PM   #3
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

My MIL was like that when I told her I was planning to VBA2C. I finally quoted her ALL the statistics and how the rupture rate isn't what they would have you thinking.

Her response?

"Oh, well, I'm glad you've done your homework. Because your other two girls need their mom."

How nice to say to a pregnant woman. Really.
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Old 05-14-2010, 04:45 PM   #4
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

My mom (4 all natural deliveries) is coming around but she is high strung so I worry about her flipping out at the last minute and stressing me. She has been and L&D nurse the past several years during the anti-VBAC years.
I'm also in your boat with the big head on my first baby. He was 8.11 (which I don't think is particularly huge) but >90% head. That said, his head was tipped so that even if it was small it would have cause trouble. And, he was a failed induction--another thing to blame to poor presentation on.

It does help that my mom has a lot of respect for my doctor. My doctor say she doesn't feel that VBAC is particularly risky and that she has only ever seen 2 catastrophic ruptures in her many years of practice and one of those was a woman with an unscarred uterus.

I have wondered how I would deal with a repeat c-section after obsessing on VBACs for the past year.
Good luck to you.
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Old 05-14-2010, 09:14 PM   #5
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

well she needs to realize its not her body, not her pregnancy, and needs to back off. Im sorry you are going through this. a mom should be supportive of her child pretty much no matter what
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Old 05-14-2010, 11:36 PM   #6
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

I didn't even tell my mom I was planning an HBAC last time until close to the end because I was afraid of her doing exactly what you're describing. Strangely, she just said, "Oh, you don't have to have another c-section?" But I can definitely imagine what you're going through because it's exactly what I figured I'd be living with, too. I'm so sorry, that sounds just awful. Can you bring her to meet your care provider or give her some literature on why VBAC is safer/better for everyone involved? Maybe check with ICAN? It actually makes me mad when people who have had c-sections act like it was no big deal. Great, I'm happy for you--you're either lying, or something was totally different for you than me. It's MAJOR SURGERY. It's not a walk in the park, people! No one would expect someone with an appendectomy or other abdominal surgery to recover/get over it the way people expect women to get over c-sections and it makes me sick, truly.

I don't suppose you can tell her how much she's hurting you? I know that wouldn't work with my mom, but... Good luck, you are doing the right thing!
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Old 05-15-2010, 11:38 AM   #7
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

Unfortunately, talking to her probably won't help. She'll just take offense to the fact that I'm finding what she's saying hurtful and it'll go downhill from there. And sending her information would probably be useless as well. My 2.5 year old is still rear facing and I get little comments about that as well. I've sent her numerous links and videos (including Joel's Journey) but she just doesn't care I guess. It's sad that I fear having an unsuccessful VBAC mainly because all I'd hear is "I told you so" from her

NebraskaGirl, I've gotten a comment similar to that too. Something about why am I risking my life and the baby's life and how my daughter can't grow up without a mom. I mean, really, what is going through your head when you tell someone that??
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Old 05-15-2010, 12:00 PM   #8
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

I worry about hearing "I told you so" too. MIL had 3 c/s and SIL had 3 as well. SIL is supportive of me though.

Can you just tell her the discussion is closed? My mom bugged and bugged me about still BF (at 5 mos, gasp!) until I said something like that and then she didn't say one more word.
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Old 05-15-2010, 12:44 PM   #9
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

I completely agree with one of the posters that mentioned telling her to be on board with your plan or get off the ship. It's your journey. You and your husband are the captain. She needs to respect that.

I am praying that her negative comments will not affect you mentally or emotionally any longer. Her toxic attitude is not helpful and should not be tolerated. You should not allow her to consume any more of your mental real estate. You should have plenty of time to fold baby clothes, pack your hospital bag, eat cake and look at cute, fluffy cloth diapers.

I will also pray that your fear of her negative comments will NOT affect your wonderful VBAC in any way. You are going to do great. I'm very excited to hear your success story.
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Old 05-15-2010, 03:10 PM   #10
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Re: Family unsupportive of vbac?

My mom was critical at first mention of a VBAC and at the first sign of my baby being big, she said "oh no, this means you have to have a c/s right?" Ummm,...NOPE! But what I later found out with my mom (who ended up being my AWESOME doula) was that she was just scared; she was scared she may lose her daughter and her grandchild. And that fear translated into a somewhat unsupportive and critical attitude at first. ONce she met with my mw and learned the real risks, she opened up. She also has had 5 natural childbirths.
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