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Old 05-18-2010, 04:05 PM   #21
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

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My sister and i have always agreed that should something happen to us and our spouses, the other would raise our children. We decided this when we both only had our first daughters. Now between us, we have 7 children, but the same remains. There is no one else i'd rather raise my children if i could not myself or my husband could not. We don't parent exactly the same....but i respect her immensly and i know, without a doubt, that next to their mom and dad their aunty loves them more than anyone.
This is exactly how I feel! I would take any of my sister's children in a heartbeat, and I think she'd trust me to raise hers. And I'd trust her with mine.

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Old 05-18-2010, 04:25 PM   #22
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

DH and I have actually been arguing over this since I was pregnant with DS...he just turned 4 in February. We've managed to establish who we DON'T want to have the kids, but we just can't agree on who we would want to take them. We'd originally agreed on my best friend & her hubby at the time, but after they had their own child and we saw how irresponsible they were and how completely un-AP that they were, we nixed the idea. DH's parents are both older & have health issues, his brother is completely irresponsible, my mom couldn't even manage to stick around for her own kids much less her grandkids, my dad has a horribly abusive temper, my brother has been living in a weed-induced haze for the past four years

We're between my two sisters right now...one has a LO of her own and their parenting style is becoming more similar to ours as they notice how well it works but they are very irresponsible with their money, my other sister is awesome with money, has a great job, but has no kids & her current "parenting" style..her auntie style, anyways...its pretty far from what we do and the adjustment for the kiddos would be hard.

Both of our families enjoy their drama and no matter what our choice, somebody would be bound to make it a messy deal in the long run.
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Old 05-18-2010, 04:40 PM   #23
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

I would only ask one first but that is because I don't want hurt feelings. I hear you should have a back up incase for some odd reason the first can't. We don't have that. But my aunt who is I think 16 years older than me is who we picked. This stays even after the divorce. We asked her and said we understand you have to talk to uncle kevin and she said yes no question! Granted we only have one. She did tell me last month that it goes for any future children I have as long as their father agrees. She has 2 teen boys one in college and one graduating HS next year. So she is almost at the empty nest stage, but more than willing to go back to almost step one.
For me I would start with whoever the kids know the best right now and if they say no then decide.
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Old 05-18-2010, 04:40 PM   #24
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

It IS a hard decision to make...in our case it is even harder because there is no "obvious" choice. My parents are too elderly and I would never allow my dad to raise my kids....my step mom would be fantastic but as long as my dad is alive then no way. My DH's parents are divorced and neither is a good candidate. I am estranged from one sister and not close to my other brother. Neither of DH's siblings are a possibility SO that leaves.....my eldest sister. She would be an amazing mom to my kids although my brother-in-law has panic attacks and does not do well with small children. Despite this, my sister has agreed to keep the kids together and raise them if the worst should happen. She would provide a good life for them.........poor brother in law (I love him like a brother but he would just have to make it work).
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Old 05-18-2010, 04:55 PM   #25
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

We don't have kids yet, but we've thought about it and while I have two brothers who are equally amazing, I would choose the middle brother probably.


Both are in long term healthy relationships, but middle brother and his wife both have long standing and very stable careers, they are about to have one child and they want MANY kids, they are a very fun loving couple, very sweet, they will be very relaxed and supportive parents. My siblings and parents all live in the same place, I have a huge extended family, and hubbys parents would be very involved too.

Now I know my oldest brother would be as well, but I also know he and his partner want one, maybe two kids, and both are going through some career changes right now anyway,etc.etc.

I wouldn't want either of our parents doing it simply because I want our parents to be GRANDparents not parents. They are finally at an age in their 50's where they have a little money and time to start enjoying themselves.
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:46 PM   #26
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

DH and I have decided that we want a friend of DH's to take DS if something were to happen to us. The girls would go with their dad. I'm not certain that DH has talked to his friend, but I know he's take LJ in a heartbeat. He's Uncle P" to him already and Uncle P loves him like crazy.
It's hard to think about things like this, but I learned early on that you just never know what will happen day to day and you have to be prepared.
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Old 05-18-2010, 08:51 PM   #27
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

i dont think its morbid at all! my dh and i have this talk at least 3-4 times a year mostly reassuring ourself of the decision we made for our children before he leaves the house for a period to go do army stuff. its a great conversation to keep fresh and on the mind cause while we decided on people that we know will never change (unless of course they die before us) sometimes you might have a change of heart on a certain couple related or not and i think its important to keep the topic open! best of luck its a hard decision to make!
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Old 05-18-2010, 09:16 PM   #28
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

Quote:
Originally Posted by simplykat View Post
My sister and i have always agreed that should something happen to us and our spouses, the other would raise our children. We decided this when we both only had our first daughters. Now between us, we have 7 children, but the same remains. There is no one else i'd rather raise my children if i could not myself or my husband could not. We don't parent exactly the same....but i respect her immensly and i know, without a doubt, that next to their mom and dad their aunty loves them more than anyone.

If you have several ppl you are considering, i would pick your first choice and ask them....if they say no, move down the list.....
I always figured my twin sister and I would do this for each other. I mean, we look alike (comforting for the kids? or creepy if I'm gone?), parent the SAME, have identical values, etc.
BUT... she's pg w/ her 4th as well. They're good w/ money and manage very well w/ their modest income. Their house is on the small side, though. But my MAIN issue is that they are on their 4th kid, too. EIGHT kids in a household? I don't think it's for her.
And I'm not sure my husband was too sold on the idea, either. Not sure why. Maybe b/c it's always a given that I go to my twin sister for things (advice, shoulder to cry on, help when I need it, etc.)?
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Old 05-18-2010, 10:03 PM   #29
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

My boyfriend and I have talked about this. All we know is that we wouldn't want our child to go to anyone in his family, because they are Jehovah's Witnesses. It's not *just* because we're atheists that we feel this way, but also because Witnesses oppose blood transfusions and some other medical procedures, and we don't want our baby to die because of their beliefs.

That would pretty much leave my parents, or my sister. My sister is in her early thirties right now, has a good job, and has been engaged forever (10 years, I think!) to a really great guy. The only thing is that she doesn't really like kids. She doesn't want any of her own (she has ferrets instead, haha), so I don't know how she'd feel about taking Nico in.

All of my other family is in Maryland (I'm in Maine) and my friends are all 19 and 20, and my boyfriend hasn't talked to his friends for a long time, so it would have to be between my parents and my sister, but beyond that, I have no idea!
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Old 05-18-2010, 10:40 PM   #30
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Re: HOW does one decide?!

If something happened to dh and I my parents would raise the boys. They are not perfect but they have the best relationship with the kids and they have learned a great deal from their mistakes raising my brother and I. Plus my grandmother is gone now so I don't have to worry about that (she lived with us growing up and she wasn't a good person). My IL's are too conservative and religious and I do not want my kids forced into attending the same school dh and his sibs had to. Plus they are older (dh is the youngest of 4 kids) and have health problems. My parents are reasonably young and healthy at this point. We unfortunately do not have a back up. I love my brother but he can't handle weekend parenting his own son, I don't think he could be primary care for my boys. Dh's oldest brother is single and living in China, and he hates me. His middle brother has three kids but he is incredibly selfish and immature, as is his wife. I don't like my kids around them at all, we see them once a year, maybe twice. Dh's sister was our original second choice but I have some concerns about her. I guess if the worst were to happen I know at least she would love my boys and her girls are great with them. Her oldest is like a little mommy to Kearnan and her youngest is the same with Tharen. It works out well. Originally my best friend was supposed to be Kearnan's godfather, and he was in name anyway, but we both knew that he would not be around that long. It was just something he said to keep me going through my pregnancy, and something that brought him some joy towards the end, getting to see my son born and getting to be the "godfather".

When I was little my parents left my grandmother who lived with us as the assumed guardian. She had certain guardianship powers to deal with the school or take my brother and I to the Dr since she was the one home with us while my parents worked. However my mother's youngest brother and his wife were listed as a back up just in case something happened to my grandmother or the state felt she was too old to care for us. The down side was my Uncle lived in PA with most of mom's family.
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