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Old 05-24-2010, 03:04 PM   #21
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

Our family is a pretty go with the flow family as far as sleeping arrangements go. Ds 1 co- slept with us (he always started the night in his crib and then slept with us after the 1st or 2nd feeding) and still finds his way into our bed some nights. Ds2 also co-sleeps with us on the same partial-night schedual. Sometimes all 4 of us end up in our bed, sometimes ds1 does not come into our room, sometimes DH falls asleep on the couch and ds goes back to sleep with him when he wakes, sometimes DH falls asleep w/ ds1 while he is reading/doing bedtime. Dh and I both find the time to bond and cuddle with our boys precious. Before ds1 was born dh said never to co-sleeping but after he was born he changed his mind. Now when we talk about it dh says our boys will only be small and want to snuggle for so long and we will miss it when this stage passes
If at some point it were to not be benificial for any member of the family we would have to look at other arrangements but for now we are all happy and bedtime is peaceful.

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Old 05-24-2010, 03:07 PM   #22
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

Dh and I prefer to sleep seperate. We slept in the same bed until ds#1 came along, but he snores very loudly and I never got great sleep. I toss and turn in my sleep which bugs him. Needless to say, one of us would wind up on the couch before we had kids. Now we have 3 that are 3 and under and sleep is sacred around here. Dh gets up at 5am and needs his sleep. I am w/2 toddlers and a nb all day so I also need my sleep. I don't feel it has negatively affected our relationship one bit. We still cuddle/are affectionate. We still have s*x regularly. It is just boils down to both of us needing our rest.
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Old 05-24-2010, 03:10 PM   #23
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

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We co-sleep and I will admit some nights it's a struggle - DD has her own bed, which at the moment is my laundry folding station, and we move her once she's asleep if we want alone time. We try and make cuddle time a must but some nights you don't care where you sleep as long as you sleep kwim? We do sleep in the same bed though, and I don't think we would ever not sleep in the same bed. We are planning on moving DD fully into her own bed sooner rather then later, but she will probably still stay in the room - which I guess is still technically considered co-sleeping.

I don't understand how the child/parent sleeping should be focused on the mother/child relationship. A father is a vital part of the family and should be treated as such, that includes co-sleeping becuase his presence can be as powerful as mothers. Of course there are those who have differing circumstances - my DH and I hardly slept in the same bed for the first little bit of marriage, neither of us could get comfortable and I prefered the couch over the bed - he liked it warm I liked it cool..and so on and so forth. There are lots of reasons - but child over spouse shouldn't be one of them.
I very much agree with this, when I was pg with ds2 dh really hit his stride as a father and now ds1 and him are very attatched. Dh usually does bedtime for him and ds gravitates toward him when he wakes at night. If dh fell asleep on the couch then they end up squashed together there
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Old 05-24-2010, 03:18 PM   #24
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

We co-sleep, but slept in different rooms for the 1st year of the babies lives..

Reason DH gets up at 3am every morning for work.. Thus he can NOT be woken up through the night with a crying baby, that needs to be nursed... Sooo for that reason he slept in another room so he can get his rest that he needs in order to drive 45 mins to work every morning.

Yes it sucked.. But now that the kids are almost 4 and almost 2, he sleeps in our bed, and the kids sleep in there with us... Its cramped, and totally not comfortable anymore... Its a king size bed to.. LOL... We both just love having room to spread, and don't have it. I have actually been pushed off the bed by the kids.. SO I sometimes do leave and go sleep in their room..

I think everyone has their reasons and sleep is probably the most important... Most men don't want to deal with the being woken up all night.. I know mine did not.. I would not expect him to wake up either, since he works so much.
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Old 05-24-2010, 03:22 PM   #25
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

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We co-sleep and I will admit some nights it's a struggle - DD has her own bed, which at the moment is my laundry folding station, and we move her once she's asleep if we want alone time. We try and make cuddle time a must but some nights you don't care where you sleep as long as you sleep kwim? We do sleep in the same bed though, and I don't think we would ever not sleep in the same bed. We are planning on moving DD fully into her own bed sooner rather then later, but she will probably still stay in the room - which I guess is still technically considered co-sleeping.

I don't understand how the child/parent sleeping should be focused on the mother/child relationship. A father is a vital part of the family and should be treated as such, that includes co-sleeping becuase his presence can be as powerful as mothers. Of course there are those who have differing circumstances - my DH and I hardly slept in the same bed for the first little bit of marriage, neither of us could get comfortable and I prefered the couch over the bed - he liked it warm I liked it cool..and so on and so forth. There are lots of reasons - but child over spouse shouldn't be one of them.
I totally agree with this...could you come to my house and explain it to DH?? ...no really I have tried to explain this to him many times. It is quite sad, but DH has never given DS a bath, has changed maybe 5 dipes in 9mths, fed him maybe 5 times since he went on a bottle at 2wks, put him to bed ONCE...anyways my point is not everyone has a DH who is so involved and when it lies all on your shoulders and you have to work full time 5 days a week priority does change. I am currently trying to "fix" DS's sleep patterns as I said in an earlier post, but sometimes my priority is to get as much sleep as possible before work the next day and I could really care less where DH or I sleep.
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Old 05-24-2010, 03:30 PM   #26
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

OP, I totally agree! I hate the mentality that DH doesn't matter and the mother's opinion or instinct should override anything else. I would never let my desire to be "attatched" to my LOs mess with my marriage.
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Old 05-24-2010, 03:54 PM   #27
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

I guess I don't see laying next to each other while sleeping a vital part of marriage. I know many people who don't even have kids that don't sleep together and they are happy and have been married for 40+ years! What works for you doesn't work for everyone. What is important to you isn't important to everyone (ie. cuddling). Just because a Father (or Mother) decides to not sleep in the family bed doesn't mean they were kicked out or that Mom/Dad is deciding that being attached to their child is more important than marriage.

That said we sleep in the same bed with DS2. We have only slept apart while DH was deployed and the few nights DH falls asleep on the couch. I also do not cuddle! No way, no how. I can only stand to have my babies touch me while I am sleeping. We are happy even though we don't cuddle at night. We prefer to whisper to each other with our baby or kids between us or around us.

My Father slept in another room for years while my siblings and I slept with our Mom. To him sleep was more important. He tried sleeping with us but my Mom waking up at night to change diapers/feed kids/tend to sick kids interrupted his sleep. He ended up sleeping in another room, happily, and my Mom ended up moving us into her bed so she could get a few hours sleep taking care of 6 kids.

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I know childless couples that have slept separately due to snoring and other issues. I know couple where one partner works nights so they never really sleep together. I have read on here about couples that rarely if ever have sex, couples where the husbands works in other states for weeks at a time and other stuff that would NEVER work in my relationship. Honestly, I feel like if a couple chooses to sleep separately and both parties are happy with the situation more power to them.

I know what works for us doesn't work for everyone. I acknowledge that others may have valid reasons for their sleep arrangement. It may not be about putting dad out. Dad may choose to let his wife sleep with the kids to support their goals as parents and to allow her to get extra rest. He may be a super light sleeper and her getting up to tend to a babe a night would be just as disturbing as a baby in the bed and as a result decide to couch it to get more rest.
Great post!
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:01 PM   #28
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

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I guess I don't see laying next to each other while sleeping a vital part of marriage. I know many people who don't even have kids that don't sleep together and they are happy and have been married for 40+ years!
Yes. But, she's talking about when the father has to sleep elsewhere because the kids always come first, and they override the relationship.

It should work for the whole family, not just mom and the kids.

I know several families that don't sleep in the same room because the kids don't want Daddy there, or daddy doesn't have enough room, so he has to sleep on the couch, or in the kid's room alone. Even though he wants to sleep in HIS bed in HIS room.

Not that Daddy should be a tyrant or anything. But, he shouldn't be forced to sleep in a twin bed with sponge bob sheets unless he wants it that way.
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:19 PM   #29
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Re: Priorities seem mixed up. (I realize I'll probably get flamed....)

Well, we have been married for 13 years now...there have been times when DH didnt sleep in our bed, be it because of small people or because of work circumstances etc. We have a very healthy relationship with our children and each other. I have bad back issues (cysts in my spinal column) and some nights its just easier if he sleep somewhere else. Right now we are bedsharing with our 6 month old. My nursing infants needs come before my husbands needs....there will be PLENTY of time for that when we are done raising our children. He is currently sleeping in our bed with us, but if he decides he gets more sleep in another room/bed, then thats fine too, or if I need more room.

That said, we find time for each other at other times/places. We have an active sex life...6-7 nights a week WITH 6 children. There is nothing lacking in our relationship no matter where we sleep....it is JUST sleep after all and IMO if you get better sleep with NO kids in bed, NO DH in bed or with a bed full of babies and furry animals then it works for your family.
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:21 PM   #30
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I totally agree. I never understand people that more or less let their marriages go when they have kids. Your spouse should still rate #1. (unless putting the kids in danger, of COURSE)
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