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Old 05-27-2010, 06:48 PM   #1
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When would not consider someone AP'ing?

Just curious here

Having had some recent conversations IRL lately and reading some here, I was just curious when you would consider someone not an AP'er even if they say they are.

For example a conversation I had with an friend who said she was an AP'er went something like this.

She said, I babywear, nurse, spank on occasion, CIO on occasion and don't co-sleep. But she thought of herself as a pretty big AP'er.
I've had other conversations where people say they are AP and only babywear.

So it just got me thinking.

For me personally I would think to myself "well I wouldn't personally consider you AP if you spank, CIO or don't co-sleep in some form." I would say this outloud to them of course!

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Last edited by Terra; 05-27-2010 at 06:49 PM. Reason: Added a thought.
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:22 PM   #2
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I'd say that AP is more about listening and responding to your child's needs. So CIO would be the only big no-no in my book. It's the only thing that ignores what your child needs instead of responding to it. Really, I think it's the mindset more than a checklist.

Cosleeping is pretty normal in AP as most children love it; but that being said, some kids NEED and thrive in their own space. Same goes with baby-wearing. If your child responds positively to it, great. But some kids hate it. See what I mean?
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:29 PM   #3
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I do! Thanks for posting. I was just curious really to see what others think or feel personally. CIO is the biggest one for me really as well.

I've also [on the opposite end] have talked with parents who say they do x,y,z and feel very mainstream and I think, gosh, you sound very AP
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:33 PM   #4
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I don't pass judgement, I guess. Their word is good enough for me.

Most (if not all) the CDers I know in real life (it's a small crowd) use CDs part time; some very infrequently at all. But to hear one of them say "I use cloth diapers", I never would think to disagree. I suppose 1 cloth diaper a year qualifies you to use the statement "I cloth diaper". Same with attachment parenting, which I am not a particular fan of the label in the first place.
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:37 PM   #5
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

If I hear someone say they are "AP" I'm going to at least assume that they don't CIO. Anything else is pretty up in the air. Now, if I learn that they do CIO but do lots of other AP things, I'm not going to tell them that they aren't AP. I would just be surprised by the CIO part.
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Old 05-27-2010, 07:48 PM   #6
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I think it is different things to different people. We do this type of parenting not because we read up on how you are supposed to do it and then did it, but because this is what we were doing by instinct and it was working for us, and then we read about it and realized that was what we were doing. We don't follow it to the letter and I don't think you should try to fit your family into a mold anyway.

To me attachment parenting is responsive or instinctual parenting. I respond to my child's needs and listen to my instincts.

So everyone is different and I don't see what it hurts for someone to say they practice attachment parenting but their definition of it is different from mine.
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Old 05-27-2010, 08:16 PM   #7
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I don't think I could consider someone AP if they CIO or spank. I very very occasionally spank my first grader, so although I do not do CIO, I would not consider myself AP since spanking and AP are contradictory in my way of thinking. I also associate cosleeping with AP, but could see if someone's kids just didn't want that, they could still be AP without cosleeping. I don't generally cosleep, although my kids would love it, which again, would disqual me from AP status quite squarely, in my opinion anyhow.

I think AP families will definitely have at least tried cosleeping and continued if it worked, breastfeed, babywear, never CIO, never spank, and use mostly positive discipline. I know some really major AP families, and that's what they do. More power to them.
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Old 05-27-2010, 09:15 PM   #8
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I agree that I wouldn't think you are AP if you CIO, the two just can't go together.

Spanking, on the other hand, kind of depends on your method. If you hit out of anger/frustration, that is not AP. If you use spanking in a controlled manner that includes explaining what was done wrong, why it was wrong, etc., it can definitely be part of AP if it works for your family.
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Old 05-27-2010, 09:25 PM   #9
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

I don't know, I've given up trying to define parenting styles anymore.

I just refreshed my knowledge of the 7 Bs of attached parenting (per Dr.Sears) and I do all of them - well bedding near baby is a stretch, we don't co-sleep but he is in our room - but I don't consider myself an AP parent personally.

Among my friends I seem to be pretty middle of the road. And it seems that it is only online where the labels really matter?
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Old 05-27-2010, 09:36 PM   #10
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Re: When would not consider someone AP'ing?

The definition can vary so wildly depending on who you are talking to that the term itself doesn't mean a whole lot to me, to be perfectly honest. It's just a label, people throw it around just like the whole "ecofriendly" thing. People can go to Walmart and pick up a bottle of Clorox GreenWorks dish soap and call themselves ecofriendly. If I use the AP term at all, I do so very loosely...because even though I cosleep, babywear, don't spank, don't do CIO, there are some things I do (leave my kids with the inlaws or a sitter, do not EBF) that probably raises eyebrows.
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